The most painful period of my life so far.
But valuable things are worth suffering for, and I know we can come through this if we continue to seek God faithfully.
All those years of training my heart must have prepared it well, right?
It's gonna take awhile.
Fortunately, I have a God who never sleeps.
He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
When we are weak, He becomes stronger
So rest in His love, and cast all of your cares
On Him
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Maybe...
Maybe...
Maybe it's true, there really is a generation gap in our tastes, and I'm just too old-fashioned.
Maybe...
Maybe I've been too hard on them, expected them to grow up too fast, and not given them the room to grow, explore, have fun.
Maybe...
Maybe I was not close enough to God, and therefore was completely wrong in everything that I felt, said or did.
This is the first time I have ever felt such a wide rift between us... This is the first time I have ever felt like it could all end because of our differences.
This is not the first time I have felt that I am not contributing to anybody's growth.
Maybe...
Maybe the nay-sayers were right after all.
Father, please give all the parties involved a good rest tonight, and a peace in their hearts as they worship You tomorrow... Grant that we speak not from ourselves but from Your heart and Your words, Father. May we love each other as deeply as You love us. In Jesus' most precious and holy name, we pray, Amen.
Maybe it's true, there really is a generation gap in our tastes, and I'm just too old-fashioned.
Maybe...
Maybe I've been too hard on them, expected them to grow up too fast, and not given them the room to grow, explore, have fun.
Maybe...
Maybe I was not close enough to God, and therefore was completely wrong in everything that I felt, said or did.
This is the first time I have ever felt such a wide rift between us... This is the first time I have ever felt like it could all end because of our differences.
This is not the first time I have felt that I am not contributing to anybody's growth.
Maybe...
Maybe the nay-sayers were right after all.
Father, please give all the parties involved a good rest tonight, and a peace in their hearts as they worship You tomorrow... Grant that we speak not from ourselves but from Your heart and Your words, Father. May we love each other as deeply as You love us. In Jesus' most precious and holy name, we pray, Amen.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
1st Nov 2007
Thank you for the beautiful flowers :)
Thank you for a lovely day :)
Most of all, thank you for a year of laughter, sorrow, joy and tears :):):)
Thank You, Father, for someone to love. :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Sweet
Right outside my front door
Was a [blue] rose and anote crane that said
"Somebody loves you"
(adapted from Corrinne May's "Angel In Disguise")
So sweet. :')
I love you, dearest. :)
Was a [blue] rose and a
"Somebody loves you"
(adapted from Corrinne May's "Angel In Disguise")
So sweet. :')
I love you, dearest. :)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
POWwow!
ok i know this is supposed to be in complete sentences but i'm a mite excited and not much time to edit so just bear with the ungrammaticalness for a bit please? :P will edit another time.
i have officially graduated!!! :D *wears square hat and refuses to throw it into the air*
and now the plug: please please PLEASE come to my Reel Revolution Powwow! or if you're not interested help me ask your friends! please?? *pleading eyes*
details!
Reel Revolution – Powwow and Immersion
14 July 2007 at 72-13 Mohamed Sultan Rd
2pm – Powwow and Prize Presentation
6pm – The Immersion Party
Free admission to Powwow and Party – shoot us an email at movingimages@substation.org!
Info at revolution.youth.sg, tel: 6337 7800
(in case i didn't explain what Reel Revolution is all about, it's basically a mentorship and competition programme that encourages youth to make films about social issues. fun and meaningful at the same time! :) http://revolution.youth.sg for more info)
cool video mini-trailers! (guess who made them! :P)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeCy1OBwDE0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8c5GW6tYT9E
andand... it's FREE! all you have to do is email me (movingimages@substation.org) and you can come yayy!
so come! spam your friends! let's all go! it's really exciting! :D *really excited*
no, seriously. i'd really love to see you guys there and get the word out so more people can see these films :) they really are interesting and thought-provoking, i kid you not. but if you can't come no worries, i'd understand :)
i have officially graduated!!! :D *wears square hat and refuses to throw it into the air*
and now the plug: please please PLEASE come to my Reel Revolution Powwow! or if you're not interested help me ask your friends! please?? *pleading eyes*
details!
Reel Revolution – Powwow and Immersion
14 July 2007 at 72-13 Mohamed Sultan Rd
2pm – Powwow and Prize Presentation
6pm – The Immersion Party
Free admission to Powwow and Party – shoot us an email at movingimages@substation.org!
Info at revolution.youth.sg, tel: 6337 7800
(in case i didn't explain what Reel Revolution is all about, it's basically a mentorship and competition programme that encourages youth to make films about social issues. fun and meaningful at the same time! :) http://revolution.youth.sg for more info)
cool video mini-trailers! (guess who made them! :P)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeCy1OBwDE0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8c5GW6tYT9E
andand... it's FREE! all you have to do is email me (movingimages@substation.org) and you can come yayy!
so come! spam your friends! let's all go! it's really exciting! :D *really excited*
no, seriously. i'd really love to see you guys there and get the word out so more people can see these films :) they really are interesting and thought-provoking, i kid you not. but if you can't come no worries, i'd understand :)
Sunday, June 10, 2007
The Case For "Free" Art! :P
Reading my title just makes me feel like yelling "Merdeka!" and "Unlock the gates, let Art go!" Okay okay, bad joke :P
The inspiration for this post came when Eugene (whom I was tremendously surprised to meet as part of the organising team for Reel Revolutions [http://revolution.youth.sg -- sorry, couldn't resist a little advertising :P]) and I were talking (arguing? :P) about the Price of Art. Our initial stand, much simplified, was:
Me -- Art should be free!
Eugene -- Art should be priced at its actual value!
Interrupted, we agreed to Take This Battle To The Blogs. :P Therefore, my task in this post is to lay out my argument clearly (and, we hope, succinctly -- which I was never that good at) so that Eugene can then reply on his blog and we can have a good ol' vigorous online discussion. Doesn't that warm the cockles of your YouTubed heart! :D (I wonder why cockles. I mean it just makes the heart sound like a muddy bay somewhere with fishermen digging up shellfish...)
Note: I am attempting this at close to 1am. Besides being possibly unfinished due to my Internet curfew, I may also be rather incoherent and insufficiently cognitive. I will probably make several changes to my stand before this discussion is done. :P
To begin with: I argue that Art should be free for audiences, so that it may permeate into the population with greater efficacy. Art is not generally considered a necessity, so the majority of the population will not willingly spend money on it. My argument is that if art were free and sufficiently distributed, more people would be interested to view it and participate in it, and subsequently art would have a greater impact on people's lives.
In addition, I ask that Art be free for the Artists, at least resource-wise. (I know, to loads of practical people out there I am asking for the sky/the impossible/the moon to fall on its face.) This is to encourage more people to take up the PRODUCING of art, and in the process unearth more artists where they might otherwise have been missed. How many stories have we heard of artists who nearly didn't get into a career in art but for a chance opportunity to experience art that they would otherwise not have? More art producers also means more people will see the relevance and value of art to everyday life. Of course, this is not to say that Art does not have a price. It demands the artist's time, attention, effort, patience, talent. Should it be allowed to demand a disproportionate amount of his or her resources as well?
Leaving the obvious argument of "where the resources would come from" for another time, I here concede that Art cannot be free all the time, because it would then have no value and artists would not be able to make a living from their work. Some art has to be priced, displayed, sold, possessed, in order that the value of GOOD art may be retained and given a social premium, in order that aspiring artists will aim for higher standards rather than putting a dot on a piece of paper and then being complacent about it.
This, however, leads to my counterargument, which is that Art which is sold is usually dead. Take a painting: a painter conceives an idea, he or she works it onto a piece of material using other shapeable materials, it is put up for auction, sold. If it is sold to a museum it is displayed for the public (entry for a fee), circulated, maybe resold. However it is in public display only for a few years -- museums have hundreds of art works and they cannot display them all at a given time. Sooner or later the piece is taken down, forgotten. Sooner or later it works its way to a private collection somewhere, where it adorns someone's private lounge, available to only a few select friends. A painting thus dead is unable to spark off an idea to a new creator, a new artist, unless he or she happens to see it during those few years in the public museums or the select few with access to the private collection.
Free art, however, moves much quicker amongst large groups of people, particularly in today's Internet-connected world. Say the painter decided to put a high-resolution photograph of the painting up for free display on a website. In the first place, millions more can access the painting than if it was displayed at a museum (even a museum that had free entry), even possibly across borders of space and barriers of language. Secondly, anyone who wishes to recommend the painting to a friend can do so easily, without having to encounter the gatekeepers of expense and space (by sending them the link). Think about all those mp3s that spread like wildfire on the Internet while CD sales and concert tickets could barely compete. Thirdly, although the painting may remain in the public imagination for a very limited period of time still (possibly shorter than if it were in a museum), it is still available on the Internet somewhere. Say 30 years down the road, a young student artist is looking for inspiration, and it so happens that stumbling upon this particular painting will spark off an idea that will lead him to create a masterpiece unsurpassed by anyone before him. In the museum and in the private collection, this meeting of inspiration and creator would be much less likely. In the realm of Free Art and the Internet, it could happen. When art is free, ideas circulate much faster, spawning new ideas at unbelievable rates and generating a much more active thinking community. (This also forms part of my argument that over-restrictive copyright laws strangle creativity rather than nurture it, but that's another argument for another day :P)
Oh bah, I didn't make my 1am deadline :S Reposting this at a more convenient time! :)
The inspiration for this post came when Eugene (whom I was tremendously surprised to meet as part of the organising team for Reel Revolutions [http://revolution.youth.sg -- sorry, couldn't resist a little advertising :P]) and I were talking (arguing? :P) about the Price of Art. Our initial stand, much simplified, was:
Me -- Art should be free!
Eugene -- Art should be priced at its actual value!
Interrupted, we agreed to Take This Battle To The Blogs. :P Therefore, my task in this post is to lay out my argument clearly (and, we hope, succinctly -- which I was never that good at) so that Eugene can then reply on his blog and we can have a good ol' vigorous online discussion. Doesn't that warm the cockles of your YouTubed heart! :D (I wonder why cockles. I mean it just makes the heart sound like a muddy bay somewhere with fishermen digging up shellfish...)
Note: I am attempting this at close to 1am. Besides being possibly unfinished due to my Internet curfew, I may also be rather incoherent and insufficiently cognitive. I will probably make several changes to my stand before this discussion is done. :P
To begin with: I argue that Art should be free for audiences, so that it may permeate into the population with greater efficacy. Art is not generally considered a necessity, so the majority of the population will not willingly spend money on it. My argument is that if art were free and sufficiently distributed, more people would be interested to view it and participate in it, and subsequently art would have a greater impact on people's lives.
In addition, I ask that Art be free for the Artists, at least resource-wise. (I know, to loads of practical people out there I am asking for the sky/the impossible/the moon to fall on its face.) This is to encourage more people to take up the PRODUCING of art, and in the process unearth more artists where they might otherwise have been missed. How many stories have we heard of artists who nearly didn't get into a career in art but for a chance opportunity to experience art that they would otherwise not have? More art producers also means more people will see the relevance and value of art to everyday life. Of course, this is not to say that Art does not have a price. It demands the artist's time, attention, effort, patience, talent. Should it be allowed to demand a disproportionate amount of his or her resources as well?
Leaving the obvious argument of "where the resources would come from" for another time, I here concede that Art cannot be free all the time, because it would then have no value and artists would not be able to make a living from their work. Some art has to be priced, displayed, sold, possessed, in order that the value of GOOD art may be retained and given a social premium, in order that aspiring artists will aim for higher standards rather than putting a dot on a piece of paper and then being complacent about it.
This, however, leads to my counterargument, which is that Art which is sold is usually dead. Take a painting: a painter conceives an idea, he or she works it onto a piece of material using other shapeable materials, it is put up for auction, sold. If it is sold to a museum it is displayed for the public (entry for a fee), circulated, maybe resold. However it is in public display only for a few years -- museums have hundreds of art works and they cannot display them all at a given time. Sooner or later the piece is taken down, forgotten. Sooner or later it works its way to a private collection somewhere, where it adorns someone's private lounge, available to only a few select friends. A painting thus dead is unable to spark off an idea to a new creator, a new artist, unless he or she happens to see it during those few years in the public museums or the select few with access to the private collection.
Free art, however, moves much quicker amongst large groups of people, particularly in today's Internet-connected world. Say the painter decided to put a high-resolution photograph of the painting up for free display on a website. In the first place, millions more can access the painting than if it was displayed at a museum (even a museum that had free entry), even possibly across borders of space and barriers of language. Secondly, anyone who wishes to recommend the painting to a friend can do so easily, without having to encounter the gatekeepers of expense and space (by sending them the link). Think about all those mp3s that spread like wildfire on the Internet while CD sales and concert tickets could barely compete. Thirdly, although the painting may remain in the public imagination for a very limited period of time still (possibly shorter than if it were in a museum), it is still available on the Internet somewhere. Say 30 years down the road, a young student artist is looking for inspiration, and it so happens that stumbling upon this particular painting will spark off an idea that will lead him to create a masterpiece unsurpassed by anyone before him. In the museum and in the private collection, this meeting of inspiration and creator would be much less likely. In the realm of Free Art and the Internet, it could happen. When art is free, ideas circulate much faster, spawning new ideas at unbelievable rates and generating a much more active thinking community. (This also forms part of my argument that over-restrictive copyright laws strangle creativity rather than nurture it, but that's another argument for another day :P)
Oh bah, I didn't make my 1am deadline :S Reposting this at a more convenient time! :)
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Brief
Goodness, it HAS been long since I last updated this blog :P To answer the question posed by my previous post: NO, the dreams have NOT stopped when my exams did, but at least they're less frequent, less disturbing and less convoluted now. :)
*Distracted by hair, which currently feels like hay -- or how I imagine hay to feel like*
I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? (Surprisingly, this thought was sparked off by an Archie comic! :P Okay, so they're not exactly the epitome of deep thought, but it's not as if they're entirely devoid of social relevance eh? :)
*Distracted by hair, which currently feels like hay -- or how I imagine hay to feel like*
I wonder what it would be like to live on my own? (Surprisingly, this thought was sparked off by an Archie comic! :P Okay, so they're not exactly the epitome of deep thought, but it's not as if they're entirely devoid of social relevance eh? :)
Friday, May 04, 2007
Tiring Dreams
I wonder if this ordeal will end today, with my last exam.
Was doubly compounded because I got my period late last night, which meant I couldn't sleep at all due to cramps and tummy rumblings and such. I probably fell asleep for a couple of hours until my alarm rang at 9am... I woke up and decided to sleep for another hour... and in that one hour, as usual, I had to have a dream. Sigh.
The first part was some performance of some sort... I really can't remember what it was now (I think I was dancing) but I only remember us rehearsing the "finale" bit, where all the performers and crew walk out on stage to take our bows etc. So for some reason we're just standing around, and the scene appears to change...
Can't remember what event it was, but there was some event held at my condominium, and there were a lot of kids running around... There were a couple of boys that riled me a bit because they did something quite cruel to fish or something like that. They had something like a stone bowl in which they were mishandling a couple of miserable-looking fish. After the boys ran off, one of the kids I was with tried to scoop a fish up too and I quickly reprimanded her. There was a goldfish flapping on the floor so I picked it up and put it back in the stone bowl that had a few other fish swimming in it too.
Then I had the impression I was talking to the parents of the two boys, particularly the mother, and sortof telling them about their boys' mistreatment of the fish or some sort of wrong they had done me... when suddenly the boys' mother asked me aggressively, "Where are our shoes?" I was taken aback of course, and said I had no idea. She said "Usually people steal the shoes of the people who stole their fish right?", indicating that she suspected me of stealing their shoes. I was quite indignant, but tried to suppress my anger and merely told her that I did not steal her shoes and asked her to be reasonable. I mean in the first place her statement admitted they had stolen our fish or something right? Somehow things degenerated into a shouting argument (I remember thinking: Perhaps I'm just letting off steam through this) and I remember yelling that such things wouldn't happen to us because we weren't so stupid as to leave our fish outside and let our children ill-treat them.
Then the woman came out of her house again with a clipboard with a form and a pencil, and made to start writing something. I figure she might be writing an account of the argument or something to make a complaint against me, but I'm conscious of not having done or said anything wrong so I'm not at all afraid, only standing there with a confident look waiting for her to write what she wanted. My mum walks by and asks me what happened, and I said I've been having an argument, and she said "Very loud?" The lady comes back and recognises my mum, and my mum looks at the form and asks, "Making a complaint ah?" and the lady says yes. Then she asks me how I know my mum and I say "She's my mother" and my mum smiles at the lady and says "So you're going to tell me next time we meet...?" The lady seems a bit flustered and says "No lah", but she continues writing anyway and I tell my mum I'm just waiting for her to finish her complaint and then I'll make mine. Then my mum tells me "Good, I also want to complain."
And at that point I wake up. Heh. It does feel good to be supported against unreasonable people :) But I'm very tired of conflict dreams. How oh how am I going to handle that exam later?
Was doubly compounded because I got my period late last night, which meant I couldn't sleep at all due to cramps and tummy rumblings and such. I probably fell asleep for a couple of hours until my alarm rang at 9am... I woke up and decided to sleep for another hour... and in that one hour, as usual, I had to have a dream. Sigh.
The first part was some performance of some sort... I really can't remember what it was now (I think I was dancing) but I only remember us rehearsing the "finale" bit, where all the performers and crew walk out on stage to take our bows etc. So for some reason we're just standing around, and the scene appears to change...
Can't remember what event it was, but there was some event held at my condominium, and there were a lot of kids running around... There were a couple of boys that riled me a bit because they did something quite cruel to fish or something like that. They had something like a stone bowl in which they were mishandling a couple of miserable-looking fish. After the boys ran off, one of the kids I was with tried to scoop a fish up too and I quickly reprimanded her. There was a goldfish flapping on the floor so I picked it up and put it back in the stone bowl that had a few other fish swimming in it too.
Then I had the impression I was talking to the parents of the two boys, particularly the mother, and sortof telling them about their boys' mistreatment of the fish or some sort of wrong they had done me... when suddenly the boys' mother asked me aggressively, "Where are our shoes?" I was taken aback of course, and said I had no idea. She said "Usually people steal the shoes of the people who stole their fish right?", indicating that she suspected me of stealing their shoes. I was quite indignant, but tried to suppress my anger and merely told her that I did not steal her shoes and asked her to be reasonable. I mean in the first place her statement admitted they had stolen our fish or something right? Somehow things degenerated into a shouting argument (I remember thinking: Perhaps I'm just letting off steam through this) and I remember yelling that such things wouldn't happen to us because we weren't so stupid as to leave our fish outside and let our children ill-treat them.
Then the woman came out of her house again with a clipboard with a form and a pencil, and made to start writing something. I figure she might be writing an account of the argument or something to make a complaint against me, but I'm conscious of not having done or said anything wrong so I'm not at all afraid, only standing there with a confident look waiting for her to write what she wanted. My mum walks by and asks me what happened, and I said I've been having an argument, and she said "Very loud?" The lady comes back and recognises my mum, and my mum looks at the form and asks, "Making a complaint ah?" and the lady says yes. Then she asks me how I know my mum and I say "She's my mother" and my mum smiles at the lady and says "So you're going to tell me next time we meet...?" The lady seems a bit flustered and says "No lah", but she continues writing anyway and I tell my mum I'm just waiting for her to finish her complaint and then I'll make mine. Then my mum tells me "Good, I also want to complain."
And at that point I wake up. Heh. It does feel good to be supported against unreasonable people :) But I'm very tired of conflict dreams. How oh how am I going to handle that exam later?
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Adventure Dreams :S
Yes they're back again. These dreams are slightly different from my usual talky, slightly-weird dreams, though... I feel like I've just been through an episode of Spy Kids, heh! Be warned, folks, this is long (have you ever tried to DESCRIBE an action movie in complete sentences??), but the most tense dream I've ever had, I think.
I think there were three parts to my dream, although I only remember two... the first part I think took place in a HDB flat, because I remember the facade of my old flat at Bukit Batok and I could see lots of people through the door, including my Dad's sister's family, but for some random reason I was going nearby with Mum and an unidentified younger relative to go and get something from a nearby shop, so Mum was telling me to wear my other slippers because she was wearing mine.
I just remembered there was a brief episode of going with a couple of relatives (definitely my brother was there) to buy a newspaper, I don't know for what reason. Somehow the smaller papers like The New Paper was our specific goal (when we generally don't read the smaller papers). We were in a car and I was the one who got out to buy the paper, with a $5 note in my hand. Surprisingly, one of our cousins on our mother's side is running the stall, and I ask her for The New Paper but my eyes are drawn to the pile of Archie comic books while waiting :P She hands me one of them instead of the newspaper and I quickly clarify that I want the newspaper instead... but on a sudden impulse I told her I'll take the Archie comic as well :P The total comes up to more than $5 so I tell her I'll get more money from the car, but she marches up to the car by herself and holds out The New Paper and the comic book. I'm a little embarrassed because I know my brother will chide me for buying the comic, but at any rate I try to ask for more money to pay for it... and actually after that I don't remember what happens :P I do have the impression though that we're looking for something to happen and be reported in the news, so I was actually asking my cousin for the Today paper or something like that, but she didn't seem to have it. Hmm.
I don't know how that progressed to the next part, but we were all in some bungalow house, and for some reason everybody had to leave to get something or other, and I was left alone in it. I think I must have been watching the news on TV, and then the doorbell rang, and just as I was going to open the door I had the sudden thought, "What if it's a robber who's trying to force his way in?" So before opening the door I peep through the peephole, and it's three of my family/relatives so I feel reassured and open the door, although I notice that they seem to be staring to the side. (Isn't it strange how you can never really see very much through these peep-hole things -- it's so easy to hide from their range of vision!) Sure enough, they come in through the door, but behind them comes this stocky man rather beyond middle age, threatening them with something which I couldn't see at the moment. I comtemplated slamming the door on him, but he moved too fast and was in before I could accomplish that and I figured it wouldn't be too smart to get him angry. And then I realised he was pointing TOOTHPICKS at us 0_o At first I was wondering "Toothpicks? Are they really capable of hurting us?" but those toothpicks did look rather sharp and my relative who just came in through the door handed me a few toothpicks whose points had been dented.
So I figured with a big house and a few of us around, we should be able to call the police, right? The problem is the guy wouldn't sit still and kept wandering around the house staring at everybody in turn (and holding his toothpicks), so it would be impossible to make a call because he would definitely hear it. I kept trying to think of ways to let the police know, and wishing they had an SMS crisis hotline! :S Finally he ordered me (as the youngest person there) to put on the radio, and for some reason I don't really know how to turn it on so I go fiddling all around it. While I'm doing that, I'm thinking all the time of how the radio sound might cover the sound of the police call. One of my relatives comes to help me and the man orders her to step back because he can't see what we're doing. While waiting for the radio, he gets one of us to turn on the TV or he turns it on himself, and there's quite a bit of noise when the radio finally goes on as well. I don't know why I ask him whether he wants the TV off (there should have been a LOT of noise to cover the call now) but there's a bit of confusion when I couldn't tell if he was referring to wanting the radio or the TV to be off, but in any case he eventually clarified the TV should be switched off, and then amazingly the radio, too.
Increasingly more family/relatives return, and we try to warn them through signs but they walk in too quickly... One of my aunts (whom I actually don't recognise 0_o) tries a bit too obviously and I'm afraid the guy has noticed, but he doesn't seem to have. An uncle tries some subtle handsigns while facing the open door, and I quickly cover for him by blocking him from the guy's line of sight by standing in front of him while apparently reading some document. In this position I can see out the door and there's a stranger there, some sort of delivery man, and he seems to be getting the signs. My uncle moves towards the door to make it clearer and I move with him, still covering him, and somebody hands me a dry-cleaned suit which I quickly grab and hold to help cover a bit more. For some reason my brother asks me why I am showing the toothpick guy the suit, and I quickly whisper to him that I'm using it to help cover my uncle's actions.
I don't know how we progress to the garden, but eventually we're there, and the toothpick guy appears to have left his toothpicks in the house. Some stuff happens but I'm not sure what; I only remember thinking that now he's out here someone can call the police from inside the house. At any rate he keeps his eye on me (*shudder*), and when a car comes by he's suddenly frightened and asks if it's the police. I say I don't know, but it turns out that it really is a police car, and he makes me lean back in my chair to cover him from the policemen's sight. The police car stops, though, and the policeman starts heading towards us, apparently to comment that our whole extended family is out in the yard but the house is completely dark (I had the impression there that toothpick guy made us turn off the lights). At that point I look back, and the toothpick guy is just crouching in his chair with no toothpicks in his hand, and I think: "Now or never!" and just launch myself at him, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back. Now I've heard that there's such a way of twisting someone's arm that will incapacitate them from running away, but of course I can't remember how to do it, so I just try my best and sit on his back as an added measure. I think one of the adult men come over to help me, but surprisingly there doesn't seem to be a big rush of them. Heh. At any rate I don't think much happens after that, although I have the strange impression that i'm still practising arm-twist holds on a much smaller person who keeps trying to wriggle away and keeps succeeding in getting her arms free.
That could be linked to the third and last part, where I'm apparently leading a few kids on some rescue mission in a toy factory or school and we're supposed to rescue some pony-like creature. I have a feeling we've done this before, because the place and the way the pony-like creature escapes detection is the same, and we tell each other "Same as last time" as we run through an empty dinner ballroom and reach the storeroom. (I think I might have dreamt of something similar, previously.) The difference is that when we reach the storeroom we can't find the pony-like creature. Instead, we uncover some kitty-like creatures disguised as lambs, and for some reason that appears to be the creatures we're supposed to rescue instead 0_o (I still think it's fascinating how goals can change so quickly and randomly in dreams :P) Also, the creatures are gently moving, but I have the impression that they're actually robotic, even though sentient in some way, which is why we're rescuing them. Anyway I keep a watch to see if anyone's coming, and I spot the waiters coming back into the ballroom, presumably to check it one last time and close up, so I quickly signal the other two kids to hide behind this rack with lots of hangers that we hid behind the last time. Somehow, though, we seem unable to get completely behind it like last time, and I'm watching the feet of the people walking outside the storeroom and feeling rather worried. One of the kids starts to speak but I suddenly remember that our voices might be recorded and put my finger on my lips to prevent them from speaking, being recorded and being recognised at a later date. (Later in the dream, I seem to have forgotten this precaution :P)
Imperceptibly the area outside the storeroom has changed from a dinner ballroom to a Japanese boarding school type of thing, and we appear to be dressed in school uniforms 0_o There are lots of youths walking around in school uniform and calling to their friends in the upper or lower floors, and a few strict-looking prefects going around telling everybody where they should be. One of them glares at the three of us for a bit, but we act nonchalent like it's perfectly normal for us to be there and the prefect appears to consider that we must be VIKs (Very Important Kids) since we're in a VIP room (0_o since when), so leaves us alone. We lie there just a little out of sight, waiting for them as they pull shut some vertical metal shutters so we can move around without being scrutinised. Just as we think we've got away with it, this small child (NOT dressed in school uniform) comes up to us. I've got the impression she's the daughter of the tycoon who owns/runs the place, and is going to denounce us, so with sinking heart I hear her say "I'm not going to let you get--" Suddenly, she is interrupted by her slightly older sister (who is still rather young but they look quite alike), who comes up to us and starts talking to us exactly as if we were her friends! (And we are no longer dressed in school uniform. Hmm.) I have a vague impression we've met her before and really did talk to her then, but anyway I'm very thankful and relieved at not being revealed. The older girl has a young boy in tow, and she introduces him as her younger brother and the other young girl as her sister. In turn, I introduce the two kids with me, and I suddenly realise they're my cousin Si'En and my niece Queenie (from different families on different sides of my family, and they're about the same age). Then I turn around and introduce my brother too (where did HE come from??), and for some strange reason I decide to tell these kids what we're trying to do, so I head to the back of the storeroom and get one of those cat-lamb things, and bring it back to the table (it's a table now 0_o and looks like my old Sunday School tables with the blue top) and open the box (which is strangely cheesecake-shaped). There are TWO of those creatures in it and I don't know how, but they seem to change into monkey-like creatures when taken out of the box and the children are delighted by them.
Suddenly, an older girl (more like a young adult; seemingly older than my dream self, who was in my teens rather than currently; she appears to be some sort of children's pop star, like Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff) walks into the room through a glass door (??), and we quickly hide the creatures we are holding under the table. She starts off on a circuitous route of telling us she knows what we are up to by asking us various questions, and after awhile I tire of it and tell her that I know what she wants to say and I know they sent her. This takes her by surprise and she laughs. Just then, a guy about her age and also one of those child TV stars walks in and is about to open his mouth when I decide to pre-empt him too, saying "Look, let's cut to the chase. You're here to tell us we suck, get out of here, they know we're here, right?" He is totally taken by surprise and laughs, too. I ask "Did I get anything wrong?" and he raises his hands and shrugs, indicating I haven't. So I tell them they can go, and the guy walks away still smiling in disbelief, and the girl walks out but she lingers a bit more, shaking her head with disbelieving smiles and taking our her handphone to SMS something.
At this point I've had enough suspense, so I get up and say "Alright, they know we're here, let's get out of here" and everybody starts packing to leave. Strangely, some kids are taping everything with brown tape and they appear to have taped over the cat-lamb creatures in their boxes by mistake :S I grab them and bring them to the table, and kids start tearing the brown tape off and freeing the creatures. I go back to the back of the room to look for a big sheet of paper to wrap something in (strangely, I have no idea what I'm supposed to wrap 0_o), and encounter my church childhood friend Grace Ong in a white frilly dress 0_o I've got the impression that I must thank her for the neat state of the storeroom, and I do, but while I'm trying to find a big piece of paper, I see that Grace Ong is trying to do something to her white frilly dress and Li-En, another church childhood friend, is trying to help her, him being dressed in black. At any rate I find a good piece of paper and rush back to the table and am about to distribute the creatures for the few of us to carry out of the factory...
And then I reach reality i.e. wake up gently. :) Had an interesting time after that just lying in bed and trying to think about how the rest of the rescue would be effected. I had the impression just before I woke that I had received some news that my brother was hurt, but how was that possible if he was right there in the rescue mission with us? So I ruminated on how I would handle the possible infiltration of an imposter, what if that girl had activated the locking of the glass doors, whether there'd be any traps if we slid down the garbage chute, whether I should go first as leader to make decisions and warn the rest of any traps or go last to be able to handle any situations like adults rushing in, whether they would be watching to put traps like motion lasers but only after I've gone first to try something out and thus trapping the rest of the younger ones, whether it would be wise to rush back for them, how we might escape such a motion laser trap, how we might fool them by sneaking out a side door and then throwing an object back to trigger the motion lasers and then running like heck, how the children's TV stars we saw might have been convinced to help us escape and leave the factory too, and how that might be accomplished, or how they might free the rest of the robot creatures kept by the hundreds in a hidden storeroom somewhere by activating them to escape, and how the robot creatures themselves might assist the two of them in escaping by transporting them and covering them and changing their appearance in minutes and forming flying transport vehicles, and how the creatures in our backpacks that we were trying to save might be activated by this escape command too and we would release them from our backpacks and what if someone's backpack didn't seem to be activated...
And ALL THIS happened in the course of one hour in real-life time. Whew. Is it any wonder dreams tire me out? :S Unfortunately after that, I can't really sleep any more. But I feel like I've already gone through an entire day and an active one, at least in my head. :S Now my body feels like sandpaper. Gahhh.
At any rate, now I know I'm not a coward, at least subconsciously. And yesterday's QT material emphasised "Be strong and of good courage", too :P But I just want my beauty sleep... *waaaaaaaaaaaaails*
I think there were three parts to my dream, although I only remember two... the first part I think took place in a HDB flat, because I remember the facade of my old flat at Bukit Batok and I could see lots of people through the door, including my Dad's sister's family, but for some random reason I was going nearby with Mum and an unidentified younger relative to go and get something from a nearby shop, so Mum was telling me to wear my other slippers because she was wearing mine.
I just remembered there was a brief episode of going with a couple of relatives (definitely my brother was there) to buy a newspaper, I don't know for what reason. Somehow the smaller papers like The New Paper was our specific goal (when we generally don't read the smaller papers). We were in a car and I was the one who got out to buy the paper, with a $5 note in my hand. Surprisingly, one of our cousins on our mother's side is running the stall, and I ask her for The New Paper but my eyes are drawn to the pile of Archie comic books while waiting :P She hands me one of them instead of the newspaper and I quickly clarify that I want the newspaper instead... but on a sudden impulse I told her I'll take the Archie comic as well :P The total comes up to more than $5 so I tell her I'll get more money from the car, but she marches up to the car by herself and holds out The New Paper and the comic book. I'm a little embarrassed because I know my brother will chide me for buying the comic, but at any rate I try to ask for more money to pay for it... and actually after that I don't remember what happens :P I do have the impression though that we're looking for something to happen and be reported in the news, so I was actually asking my cousin for the Today paper or something like that, but she didn't seem to have it. Hmm.
I don't know how that progressed to the next part, but we were all in some bungalow house, and for some reason everybody had to leave to get something or other, and I was left alone in it. I think I must have been watching the news on TV, and then the doorbell rang, and just as I was going to open the door I had the sudden thought, "What if it's a robber who's trying to force his way in?" So before opening the door I peep through the peephole, and it's three of my family/relatives so I feel reassured and open the door, although I notice that they seem to be staring to the side. (Isn't it strange how you can never really see very much through these peep-hole things -- it's so easy to hide from their range of vision!) Sure enough, they come in through the door, but behind them comes this stocky man rather beyond middle age, threatening them with something which I couldn't see at the moment. I comtemplated slamming the door on him, but he moved too fast and was in before I could accomplish that and I figured it wouldn't be too smart to get him angry. And then I realised he was pointing TOOTHPICKS at us 0_o At first I was wondering "Toothpicks? Are they really capable of hurting us?" but those toothpicks did look rather sharp and my relative who just came in through the door handed me a few toothpicks whose points had been dented.
So I figured with a big house and a few of us around, we should be able to call the police, right? The problem is the guy wouldn't sit still and kept wandering around the house staring at everybody in turn (and holding his toothpicks), so it would be impossible to make a call because he would definitely hear it. I kept trying to think of ways to let the police know, and wishing they had an SMS crisis hotline! :S Finally he ordered me (as the youngest person there) to put on the radio, and for some reason I don't really know how to turn it on so I go fiddling all around it. While I'm doing that, I'm thinking all the time of how the radio sound might cover the sound of the police call. One of my relatives comes to help me and the man orders her to step back because he can't see what we're doing. While waiting for the radio, he gets one of us to turn on the TV or he turns it on himself, and there's quite a bit of noise when the radio finally goes on as well. I don't know why I ask him whether he wants the TV off (there should have been a LOT of noise to cover the call now) but there's a bit of confusion when I couldn't tell if he was referring to wanting the radio or the TV to be off, but in any case he eventually clarified the TV should be switched off, and then amazingly the radio, too.
Increasingly more family/relatives return, and we try to warn them through signs but they walk in too quickly... One of my aunts (whom I actually don't recognise 0_o) tries a bit too obviously and I'm afraid the guy has noticed, but he doesn't seem to have. An uncle tries some subtle handsigns while facing the open door, and I quickly cover for him by blocking him from the guy's line of sight by standing in front of him while apparently reading some document. In this position I can see out the door and there's a stranger there, some sort of delivery man, and he seems to be getting the signs. My uncle moves towards the door to make it clearer and I move with him, still covering him, and somebody hands me a dry-cleaned suit which I quickly grab and hold to help cover a bit more. For some reason my brother asks me why I am showing the toothpick guy the suit, and I quickly whisper to him that I'm using it to help cover my uncle's actions.
I don't know how we progress to the garden, but eventually we're there, and the toothpick guy appears to have left his toothpicks in the house. Some stuff happens but I'm not sure what; I only remember thinking that now he's out here someone can call the police from inside the house. At any rate he keeps his eye on me (*shudder*), and when a car comes by he's suddenly frightened and asks if it's the police. I say I don't know, but it turns out that it really is a police car, and he makes me lean back in my chair to cover him from the policemen's sight. The police car stops, though, and the policeman starts heading towards us, apparently to comment that our whole extended family is out in the yard but the house is completely dark (I had the impression there that toothpick guy made us turn off the lights). At that point I look back, and the toothpick guy is just crouching in his chair with no toothpicks in his hand, and I think: "Now or never!" and just launch myself at him, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back. Now I've heard that there's such a way of twisting someone's arm that will incapacitate them from running away, but of course I can't remember how to do it, so I just try my best and sit on his back as an added measure. I think one of the adult men come over to help me, but surprisingly there doesn't seem to be a big rush of them. Heh. At any rate I don't think much happens after that, although I have the strange impression that i'm still practising arm-twist holds on a much smaller person who keeps trying to wriggle away and keeps succeeding in getting her arms free.
That could be linked to the third and last part, where I'm apparently leading a few kids on some rescue mission in a toy factory or school and we're supposed to rescue some pony-like creature. I have a feeling we've done this before, because the place and the way the pony-like creature escapes detection is the same, and we tell each other "Same as last time" as we run through an empty dinner ballroom and reach the storeroom. (I think I might have dreamt of something similar, previously.) The difference is that when we reach the storeroom we can't find the pony-like creature. Instead, we uncover some kitty-like creatures disguised as lambs, and for some reason that appears to be the creatures we're supposed to rescue instead 0_o (I still think it's fascinating how goals can change so quickly and randomly in dreams :P) Also, the creatures are gently moving, but I have the impression that they're actually robotic, even though sentient in some way, which is why we're rescuing them. Anyway I keep a watch to see if anyone's coming, and I spot the waiters coming back into the ballroom, presumably to check it one last time and close up, so I quickly signal the other two kids to hide behind this rack with lots of hangers that we hid behind the last time. Somehow, though, we seem unable to get completely behind it like last time, and I'm watching the feet of the people walking outside the storeroom and feeling rather worried. One of the kids starts to speak but I suddenly remember that our voices might be recorded and put my finger on my lips to prevent them from speaking, being recorded and being recognised at a later date. (Later in the dream, I seem to have forgotten this precaution :P)
Imperceptibly the area outside the storeroom has changed from a dinner ballroom to a Japanese boarding school type of thing, and we appear to be dressed in school uniforms 0_o There are lots of youths walking around in school uniform and calling to their friends in the upper or lower floors, and a few strict-looking prefects going around telling everybody where they should be. One of them glares at the three of us for a bit, but we act nonchalent like it's perfectly normal for us to be there and the prefect appears to consider that we must be VIKs (Very Important Kids) since we're in a VIP room (0_o since when), so leaves us alone. We lie there just a little out of sight, waiting for them as they pull shut some vertical metal shutters so we can move around without being scrutinised. Just as we think we've got away with it, this small child (NOT dressed in school uniform) comes up to us. I've got the impression she's the daughter of the tycoon who owns/runs the place, and is going to denounce us, so with sinking heart I hear her say "I'm not going to let you get--" Suddenly, she is interrupted by her slightly older sister (who is still rather young but they look quite alike), who comes up to us and starts talking to us exactly as if we were her friends! (And we are no longer dressed in school uniform. Hmm.) I have a vague impression we've met her before and really did talk to her then, but anyway I'm very thankful and relieved at not being revealed. The older girl has a young boy in tow, and she introduces him as her younger brother and the other young girl as her sister. In turn, I introduce the two kids with me, and I suddenly realise they're my cousin Si'En and my niece Queenie (from different families on different sides of my family, and they're about the same age). Then I turn around and introduce my brother too (where did HE come from??), and for some strange reason I decide to tell these kids what we're trying to do, so I head to the back of the storeroom and get one of those cat-lamb things, and bring it back to the table (it's a table now 0_o and looks like my old Sunday School tables with the blue top) and open the box (which is strangely cheesecake-shaped). There are TWO of those creatures in it and I don't know how, but they seem to change into monkey-like creatures when taken out of the box and the children are delighted by them.
Suddenly, an older girl (more like a young adult; seemingly older than my dream self, who was in my teens rather than currently; she appears to be some sort of children's pop star, like Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff) walks into the room through a glass door (??), and we quickly hide the creatures we are holding under the table. She starts off on a circuitous route of telling us she knows what we are up to by asking us various questions, and after awhile I tire of it and tell her that I know what she wants to say and I know they sent her. This takes her by surprise and she laughs. Just then, a guy about her age and also one of those child TV stars walks in and is about to open his mouth when I decide to pre-empt him too, saying "Look, let's cut to the chase. You're here to tell us we suck, get out of here, they know we're here, right?" He is totally taken by surprise and laughs, too. I ask "Did I get anything wrong?" and he raises his hands and shrugs, indicating I haven't. So I tell them they can go, and the guy walks away still smiling in disbelief, and the girl walks out but she lingers a bit more, shaking her head with disbelieving smiles and taking our her handphone to SMS something.
At this point I've had enough suspense, so I get up and say "Alright, they know we're here, let's get out of here" and everybody starts packing to leave. Strangely, some kids are taping everything with brown tape and they appear to have taped over the cat-lamb creatures in their boxes by mistake :S I grab them and bring them to the table, and kids start tearing the brown tape off and freeing the creatures. I go back to the back of the room to look for a big sheet of paper to wrap something in (strangely, I have no idea what I'm supposed to wrap 0_o), and encounter my church childhood friend Grace Ong in a white frilly dress 0_o I've got the impression that I must thank her for the neat state of the storeroom, and I do, but while I'm trying to find a big piece of paper, I see that Grace Ong is trying to do something to her white frilly dress and Li-En, another church childhood friend, is trying to help her, him being dressed in black. At any rate I find a good piece of paper and rush back to the table and am about to distribute the creatures for the few of us to carry out of the factory...
And then I reach reality i.e. wake up gently. :) Had an interesting time after that just lying in bed and trying to think about how the rest of the rescue would be effected. I had the impression just before I woke that I had received some news that my brother was hurt, but how was that possible if he was right there in the rescue mission with us? So I ruminated on how I would handle the possible infiltration of an imposter, what if that girl had activated the locking of the glass doors, whether there'd be any traps if we slid down the garbage chute, whether I should go first as leader to make decisions and warn the rest of any traps or go last to be able to handle any situations like adults rushing in, whether they would be watching to put traps like motion lasers but only after I've gone first to try something out and thus trapping the rest of the younger ones, whether it would be wise to rush back for them, how we might escape such a motion laser trap, how we might fool them by sneaking out a side door and then throwing an object back to trigger the motion lasers and then running like heck, how the children's TV stars we saw might have been convinced to help us escape and leave the factory too, and how that might be accomplished, or how they might free the rest of the robot creatures kept by the hundreds in a hidden storeroom somewhere by activating them to escape, and how the robot creatures themselves might assist the two of them in escaping by transporting them and covering them and changing their appearance in minutes and forming flying transport vehicles, and how the creatures in our backpacks that we were trying to save might be activated by this escape command too and we would release them from our backpacks and what if someone's backpack didn't seem to be activated...
And ALL THIS happened in the course of one hour in real-life time. Whew. Is it any wonder dreams tire me out? :S Unfortunately after that, I can't really sleep any more. But I feel like I've already gone through an entire day and an active one, at least in my head. :S Now my body feels like sandpaper. Gahhh.
At any rate, now I know I'm not a coward, at least subconsciously. And yesterday's QT material emphasised "Be strong and of good courage", too :P But I just want my beauty sleep... *waaaaaaaaaaaaails*
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Dream Distress -- and then the Lord's Love.
God answered a prayer of mine most quickly (Thank You, Lord :D) but that means the Dreams are back. Gahh! I'm even having them during naps now, and it's rather tiring...
This afternoon's was somewhat distressing too. It started off well, because I had a vague impression of being with my crush and being very happy, and even bumping into one or two of my ACJC classmates with friendly greetings. Then in between (or was it?) there was a part about helping my parents with something or other... And then I went back to look for those ACJC classmates to tell them this great idea I had for a reunion party/meetup. Was very pleased to see even more classmates turn up and they organised an impromptu gathering right then and there, but I couldn't join them because my parents were waiting for me to go somewhere... So I tried to tell them so, and ask them if they would be open to my idea for the reunion party, but nobody was listening to me except one girl. She asked the rest and nobody seemed to reply me, with only one Christian girl smiling at me without saying anything... And on top of that I had the impression that a few of my classmates were deliberately ignoring me.
Now this is a very hurtful feeling, even in a dream, so I made to go... I wondered if I should tell them I was going but nobody really seemed to care and even people whom I used to be able to talk to in the class were making arrangements to meet up with each other and nobody really bothered about me. And then a sudden rush of memory intruded my dream and I remembered the (real-life) reunion party that I was conveniently forgotten from, and in my dream I walked away briskly to find my parents and could hardly hold back my tears. :'(
Then it became even more distressing as I realised I'd taken longer than I expected and my parents would be fuming by now, so I rushed to the carpark to look for them... and they weren't where they were waiting before. I started worriedly walking around the carpark to try and find them, and I met a church auntie who said my parents were waiting for me in the next row, but before I got to the next row I saw two people who looked exactly like my parents but they were not in our car, instead in a sortof hybrid mini-van vehicle. I walked up to them but they didn't seem to see or recognise me, and made to drive off.
At this point I woke up... But the pain and distress have not yet fully left me. I know in many ways I have had a blessed, sheltered, some would say pampered life, but the pain of being a social outcast is very, very, VERY real, and nobody should ever discount that. :(
But I can't say I haven't been blessed. I've come a long way from my "social outcast" status and last year someone described me as "the life of the party". I'm not blind enough to agree with that, but I will admit that by God's immense grace I've learnt to be socially pliable in certain ways, while still maintaining the principles that got me labelled as an outcast in the first place. I've been given the opportunity to interact with a wide range of people such that I don't have to restrict my choices of friendships, and have been able to gather a good group of people in various areas of my life that I can talk to freely and pleasurably. Most importantly, throughout the years of pain I had wonderful support from my family that always, ALWAYS reminded me I was loved and valued as a person (except for my pimples, but that's another story). And through it all, I thank God for being my Rock and my Redeemer, for wiping my tears when I could no longer hold them back, for leading me to people who matter immeasurably more than I could have ever thought.
Here's to You, God, for taking a loner and making her into an extrovert over a period of 4 years with Your unfailing love. :)
Here's to you, my family, for always being there, always valuing, always encouraging (even in my failed endeavours), always praying with me and for me. :')
Here's to you, Dawny, my loving, laughing, closest friend of 10 years. :)
Here's to you, my love... for finally completing the circle of love God has put in my heart. :')
However, this post doesn't end with me... Having, as I say, a completed circle of love, I must make it my goal ever more to share this overwhelming, overflowing love I've received with others. And with my upcoming graduation, it seems the perfect time to look for a job that would allow me to do that as part of my daily activities. Don't you agree? :)
May your circle of love be complete in God. :)
This afternoon's was somewhat distressing too. It started off well, because I had a vague impression of being with my crush and being very happy, and even bumping into one or two of my ACJC classmates with friendly greetings. Then in between (or was it?) there was a part about helping my parents with something or other... And then I went back to look for those ACJC classmates to tell them this great idea I had for a reunion party/meetup. Was very pleased to see even more classmates turn up and they organised an impromptu gathering right then and there, but I couldn't join them because my parents were waiting for me to go somewhere... So I tried to tell them so, and ask them if they would be open to my idea for the reunion party, but nobody was listening to me except one girl. She asked the rest and nobody seemed to reply me, with only one Christian girl smiling at me without saying anything... And on top of that I had the impression that a few of my classmates were deliberately ignoring me.
Now this is a very hurtful feeling, even in a dream, so I made to go... I wondered if I should tell them I was going but nobody really seemed to care and even people whom I used to be able to talk to in the class were making arrangements to meet up with each other and nobody really bothered about me. And then a sudden rush of memory intruded my dream and I remembered the (real-life) reunion party that I was conveniently forgotten from, and in my dream I walked away briskly to find my parents and could hardly hold back my tears. :'(
Then it became even more distressing as I realised I'd taken longer than I expected and my parents would be fuming by now, so I rushed to the carpark to look for them... and they weren't where they were waiting before. I started worriedly walking around the carpark to try and find them, and I met a church auntie who said my parents were waiting for me in the next row, but before I got to the next row I saw two people who looked exactly like my parents but they were not in our car, instead in a sortof hybrid mini-van vehicle. I walked up to them but they didn't seem to see or recognise me, and made to drive off.
At this point I woke up... But the pain and distress have not yet fully left me. I know in many ways I have had a blessed, sheltered, some would say pampered life, but the pain of being a social outcast is very, very, VERY real, and nobody should ever discount that. :(
But I can't say I haven't been blessed. I've come a long way from my "social outcast" status and last year someone described me as "the life of the party". I'm not blind enough to agree with that, but I will admit that by God's immense grace I've learnt to be socially pliable in certain ways, while still maintaining the principles that got me labelled as an outcast in the first place. I've been given the opportunity to interact with a wide range of people such that I don't have to restrict my choices of friendships, and have been able to gather a good group of people in various areas of my life that I can talk to freely and pleasurably. Most importantly, throughout the years of pain I had wonderful support from my family that always, ALWAYS reminded me I was loved and valued as a person (except for my pimples, but that's another story). And through it all, I thank God for being my Rock and my Redeemer, for wiping my tears when I could no longer hold them back, for leading me to people who matter immeasurably more than I could have ever thought.
Here's to You, God, for taking a loner and making her into an extrovert over a period of 4 years with Your unfailing love. :)
Here's to you, my family, for always being there, always valuing, always encouraging (even in my failed endeavours), always praying with me and for me. :')
Here's to you, Dawny, my loving, laughing, closest friend of 10 years. :)
Here's to you, my love... for finally completing the circle of love God has put in my heart. :')
However, this post doesn't end with me... Having, as I say, a completed circle of love, I must make it my goal ever more to share this overwhelming, overflowing love I've received with others. And with my upcoming graduation, it seems the perfect time to look for a job that would allow me to do that as part of my daily activities. Don't you agree? :)
May your circle of love be complete in God. :)
Monday, April 23, 2007
YET 'Nother Dream
This one was a confusing mix between girls I knew in ACJC, and girls I knew in MGS. I only remember the bit where we were sitting in a sortof class, near the top of a lecture theatre, and the lecture hadn't started yet... and for some reason one or two of the girls were gesturing as if they were mockingly mimicking sign language and I suddenly got angry and yelled out, "Stop making fun of their sign language!" They stopped, and looked at me in a shocked and slightly "Huh?" way... But I remember being so angry I didn't care. Then as the class started to dissipate to various other venues, I remember walking down the centre aisle and this girl came up to me and asked if I was okay, and said she totally agreed with me... I was rather surprised because I never expected it of this particular girl before, since my (real-life) experience with her seems to be that she disdains me more than anything else. Anyway, as I was walking along to somewhere else, still seething but somewhat ashamed of my outburst now, another girl came up to me and said she agreed with what I said too, and asked if I remembered what she told me about she and her sister... Somehow I appeared to remember that she'd told me before she and her sister were hearing-impaired / used sign language (even though in real life both she and the girl whom I thought in the dream was her sister had perfect hearing -- and in real life the girl wasn't even her sister but her best friend!) so I said yes... and she started telling me her point of view and suddenly I was awoken by my alarm clock.
Sigh. School and dreams. Perhaps unconsciously, I'm holding onto my memories of school. Yet consciously, I know that I can no longer exist peacefully in a state of unusefulness to society...
And now the question is, how can I be useful to society?
(Undoubtedly at this point a good few of my lecturers will pop up and ask "What do you mean by 'society'?" :P)
This imagination of mine. It must either be tamed or put to daily use, so that my nights are not plagued by it. >.<
Dear Lord, please grant that "the Lion sleeps tonight..."
Sigh. School and dreams. Perhaps unconsciously, I'm holding onto my memories of school. Yet consciously, I know that I can no longer exist peacefully in a state of unusefulness to society...
And now the question is, how can I be useful to society?
(Undoubtedly at this point a good few of my lecturers will pop up and ask "What do you mean by 'society'?" :P)
This imagination of mine. It must either be tamed or put to daily use, so that my nights are not plagued by it. >.<
Dear Lord, please grant that "the Lion sleeps tonight..."
Sunday, April 22, 2007
'Nother Dream
Man, even getting dreams during naps now. Persistent dreams :S
This one again involved VCF and church people... guess you know who I miss huh? :P Well it started out with VCF folk saying they were gonna sleep overnight at the library or something, and we were in this cramped glass-enclosed room and i remember looking around and thinking "Eh, not much place to sleep eh" especially since there were some weird contraptions taking up room. I sat down at the least-threatening contraption and realised my crush was there and we started chatting and were giggling away behind the cover of the contraption. (Oops *blush* :P) Then suddenly I got paranoid that we were giggling and chatting too loud and peeped over the top of the contraption and the room had become a chalet room with a church youth lying on the floor asleep. (Later I realised there was another girl behind us, the sister of the girl whom I saw lying on the floor, but I hadn't known she was there at that point in the scene and I wasn't sure whether she had heard us either.) I sortof found myself sitting next to her and then suddenly the room was filled with more church youths and I was asking them if they were staying and the whole scene got quite chaotic for awhile. And then I was sent on some errand and there were paths of red brick lined by green bushes and there were puddles on the road and I was walking barefooted and I HONESTLY don't remember what it was all about. :P
Dreams aside, I really don't seem to be getting anymore rested despite sleeping so much. And I end up not studying as much as I wanted to... Gahhh. I want my A's!!! >.<
Terrified of 1st exam tomorrow and Human Rights paper on Wednesday. Not that I'm terribly prepared for the rest but at least they're less anxiety-inducing. Am understandably stressed but also feel rather down. Sigh. Today's QT, though, reminded me that when we feel inadequate and overwhelmed, God is near. Thank You, God :')
Be near me, Lord Jesus
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there
This one again involved VCF and church people... guess you know who I miss huh? :P Well it started out with VCF folk saying they were gonna sleep overnight at the library or something, and we were in this cramped glass-enclosed room and i remember looking around and thinking "Eh, not much place to sleep eh" especially since there were some weird contraptions taking up room. I sat down at the least-threatening contraption and realised my crush was there and we started chatting and were giggling away behind the cover of the contraption. (Oops *blush* :P) Then suddenly I got paranoid that we were giggling and chatting too loud and peeped over the top of the contraption and the room had become a chalet room with a church youth lying on the floor asleep. (Later I realised there was another girl behind us, the sister of the girl whom I saw lying on the floor, but I hadn't known she was there at that point in the scene and I wasn't sure whether she had heard us either.) I sortof found myself sitting next to her and then suddenly the room was filled with more church youths and I was asking them if they were staying and the whole scene got quite chaotic for awhile. And then I was sent on some errand and there were paths of red brick lined by green bushes and there were puddles on the road and I was walking barefooted and I HONESTLY don't remember what it was all about. :P
Dreams aside, I really don't seem to be getting anymore rested despite sleeping so much. And I end up not studying as much as I wanted to... Gahhh. I want my A's!!! >.<
Terrified of 1st exam tomorrow and Human Rights paper on Wednesday. Not that I'm terribly prepared for the rest but at least they're less anxiety-inducing. Am understandably stressed but also feel rather down. Sigh. Today's QT, though, reminded me that when we feel inadequate and overwhelmed, God is near. Thank You, God :')
Be near me, Lord Jesus
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me, I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to Heaven
To live with Thee there
Friday, April 20, 2007
Sweet Dreams :)
What IS it with dreams and exam period?? :P
Well at least it wasn't a disturbing dream (or not really, at any rate)... I don't remember much of it because I was woken up by the phone rather than waking up slowly by myself, but I do remember that it was a dream, and it was a nice one :)
I don't even remember how it started, or what happened in it... but I do remember that the church people were there, and somehow the VCF people too... and for some reason, even thought my mum has diabetes, our refrigerator was chock-ful of chocolate desserts and brownies and apple pies and desserts. :P (Did you ever hear that the way to reverse "stressed" is to have "desserts"? :P) Oh, and my crush was there too... maybe that's why it was a nice dream :$P
Still, I don't like dreams. It may be a bit ungrateful but I'm going to pray against dreams this exam period... I really need my rest :S
Well at least it wasn't a disturbing dream (or not really, at any rate)... I don't remember much of it because I was woken up by the phone rather than waking up slowly by myself, but I do remember that it was a dream, and it was a nice one :)
I don't even remember how it started, or what happened in it... but I do remember that the church people were there, and somehow the VCF people too... and for some reason, even thought my mum has diabetes, our refrigerator was chock-ful of chocolate desserts and brownies and apple pies and desserts. :P (Did you ever hear that the way to reverse "stressed" is to have "desserts"? :P) Oh, and my crush was there too... maybe that's why it was a nice dream :$P
Still, I don't like dreams. It may be a bit ungrateful but I'm going to pray against dreams this exam period... I really need my rest :S
Sunday, March 04, 2007
We Love As Christ Loved Us
I love you more than words can say
I love you, be it night or day
I love you more than death can part
I love you right here in my heart.
I love you, be it night or day
I love you more than death can part
I love you right here in my heart.
Isn't this a pretty picture of my parents? :)
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The Little Girl And The Gem
The Father turned His loving face to the little girl, shining with warmth.
"My daughter," He said, "I've been waiting."
The little girl looked up at Him, her eyes filled with tears. Tears of fear, fear of the unknown, dread of what the future might bring. At the same time she was afraid the Father might scold her for taking the gem before He had given it to her, punish her by taking her Treasure away, the unknown Treasure everybody had been telling her about since she was born. But there were also tears of joy... tears of obedience, for she knew that this choosing to give the gem back would show her Father that she loved and respected Him and gave Him full authority in her life. She stood there, trembling, wondering what would happen next.
The Father reached out... and hugged His little girl.
Over the Father's shoulder, the little girl saw a glass cupboard that hadn't been in the room before. In it was a velvet pillow that looked like it was meant to hold... could it be...?
The little girl looked at the Father questioningly, and He nodded gently at her. Then He took her hand and slowly, step by step, they crossed the floor to the glass cupboard. He opened the little glass door and looked again at His little girl with eyes of love. The little girl knew what she had to do.
She reached out and placed the gem carefully upon the velvet pillow. Then she watched as the Father closed the little glass door. And then the Father reached down and picked the little girl up into His arms... and together they watched the gem shine in the brilliance of the Father's light.
In the following days, the little girl would come often to her Father's room to look at the gem on its velvet pillow in the glass cupboard. She came to see her Father, of course, but the gem was an added motivation that drew her daily down that corridor to her Father's presence. Sometimes she watched the Father as He gently chiselled the gem or polished it... sometimes the Father let her have a hand too. But the little girl knew how clumsy her little fingers were, not like the Father's deft and skilful ones, so more often she gave it back to the Father to shape as He saw fit. Most of the time, though, she just sat and stared at the gem... watching it sparkle in the Father's light and watching her Father through the glass cupboard as He went about His work. She thought there was nothing so beautiful as these quiet periods of watching.
There were moments of great joy for the little girl... times when the Father would allow her to open the little glass door and touch the gem on its velvet pillow. "You cannot hold it yet," said the Father, "but that is only because you are such a very little girl still. When you have grown up, you will be given more freedom with the gem. So be patient and learn well, my little girl." The Father always ended this speech with a smile... and the little girl always clung on to that smile and held its warmth in her heart for the times when she was not directly in the Father's presence.
The little glass door of the glass cupboard was not kept locked... but the little girl knew she would never be so disobedient as to take the gem without asking, even though she could easily have the opportunity to do so, because she knew that such disobedience would break her Father's heart, and she would never want to do that. She also tried to prevent herself from opening the glass door too many times, even though the Father allowed her to, in order to look at the gem or touch it... because she knew that if she did, she might be tempted to take it and run away. Sometimes she was glad for the people that the Father had set to watch over her, like the Tutor and the Guardian and the Nanny, because they knew her well and could prevent her from going too close to the gem in case she got tempted. Although she often got angry at these people, she was grateful for them afterwards because she knew that they were carrying out the Father's will and helping her to do the same.
And so life carried on for the little girl, but her days seemed more coloured now because she met up daily with her Father and the gem was always in the glass cupboard for her to peek at, even if she had no time to sit and look at it everyday. Her tasks were as arduous and tiring as before, but now she strove at them with the added motivation of growing more in the Father's eyes, in order to be worthy of the gem. She had her falls and discouragements (after all, she was only a little girl), but the Father was always watching over her... and the thought of the gem waiting for her in its little glass cupboard was always sufficient to spur her on. And so the little girl carried on with her life, passing her days with hope and prayer. :)
Don't know if you would consider this an ending yet? :) There isn't a "happily-ever-after" or anything. But I felt I had to finish the story in some way :) And not cruelly leave people hanging on the cliff-hanger :P
Next up: The Race! :P
"My daughter," He said, "I've been waiting."
The little girl looked up at Him, her eyes filled with tears. Tears of fear, fear of the unknown, dread of what the future might bring. At the same time she was afraid the Father might scold her for taking the gem before He had given it to her, punish her by taking her Treasure away, the unknown Treasure everybody had been telling her about since she was born. But there were also tears of joy... tears of obedience, for she knew that this choosing to give the gem back would show her Father that she loved and respected Him and gave Him full authority in her life. She stood there, trembling, wondering what would happen next.
The Father reached out... and hugged His little girl.
Over the Father's shoulder, the little girl saw a glass cupboard that hadn't been in the room before. In it was a velvet pillow that looked like it was meant to hold... could it be...?
The little girl looked at the Father questioningly, and He nodded gently at her. Then He took her hand and slowly, step by step, they crossed the floor to the glass cupboard. He opened the little glass door and looked again at His little girl with eyes of love. The little girl knew what she had to do.
She reached out and placed the gem carefully upon the velvet pillow. Then she watched as the Father closed the little glass door. And then the Father reached down and picked the little girl up into His arms... and together they watched the gem shine in the brilliance of the Father's light.
In the following days, the little girl would come often to her Father's room to look at the gem on its velvet pillow in the glass cupboard. She came to see her Father, of course, but the gem was an added motivation that drew her daily down that corridor to her Father's presence. Sometimes she watched the Father as He gently chiselled the gem or polished it... sometimes the Father let her have a hand too. But the little girl knew how clumsy her little fingers were, not like the Father's deft and skilful ones, so more often she gave it back to the Father to shape as He saw fit. Most of the time, though, she just sat and stared at the gem... watching it sparkle in the Father's light and watching her Father through the glass cupboard as He went about His work. She thought there was nothing so beautiful as these quiet periods of watching.
There were moments of great joy for the little girl... times when the Father would allow her to open the little glass door and touch the gem on its velvet pillow. "You cannot hold it yet," said the Father, "but that is only because you are such a very little girl still. When you have grown up, you will be given more freedom with the gem. So be patient and learn well, my little girl." The Father always ended this speech with a smile... and the little girl always clung on to that smile and held its warmth in her heart for the times when she was not directly in the Father's presence.
The little glass door of the glass cupboard was not kept locked... but the little girl knew she would never be so disobedient as to take the gem without asking, even though she could easily have the opportunity to do so, because she knew that such disobedience would break her Father's heart, and she would never want to do that. She also tried to prevent herself from opening the glass door too many times, even though the Father allowed her to, in order to look at the gem or touch it... because she knew that if she did, she might be tempted to take it and run away. Sometimes she was glad for the people that the Father had set to watch over her, like the Tutor and the Guardian and the Nanny, because they knew her well and could prevent her from going too close to the gem in case she got tempted. Although she often got angry at these people, she was grateful for them afterwards because she knew that they were carrying out the Father's will and helping her to do the same.
And so life carried on for the little girl, but her days seemed more coloured now because she met up daily with her Father and the gem was always in the glass cupboard for her to peek at, even if she had no time to sit and look at it everyday. Her tasks were as arduous and tiring as before, but now she strove at them with the added motivation of growing more in the Father's eyes, in order to be worthy of the gem. She had her falls and discouragements (after all, she was only a little girl), but the Father was always watching over her... and the thought of the gem waiting for her in its little glass cupboard was always sufficient to spur her on. And so the little girl carried on with her life, passing her days with hope and prayer. :)
Don't know if you would consider this an ending yet? :) There isn't a "happily-ever-after" or anything. But I felt I had to finish the story in some way :) And not cruelly leave people hanging on the cliff-hanger :P
Next up: The Race! :P