Manifesto

Oddly, my resolve is strengthened.
Ironically, I don't know if that will push you away.

I don't know if you are in the frame of mind right now that ANYTHING I do/say will push you away.
Because maybe you've already decided our fate and this prolonging it is against your will.

If so, then just let me know.
It will hurt, but I don't want to hurt you too.
And I don't want to hold you back if you want to be free.

And maybe, after all, I don't need you to have all the answers.
I just want to be sure you're not doing this out of emotions alone
Because if you do,
We'll both be hurt bad
And we'll both find it really hard to trust anybody again.
(In fact, I'm not sure I can after this.)

But, please...
Don't hurt me just because you don't want to face your demons.
God is with you, and
I never shied away from facing them with you.

3-second answer

"Please keep my hand from the blade."

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I sought the Lord, He heard me and delivered me from my fears.
If I can't take one day at a time,
One hour at a time,
Surely I can take one minute at a time.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Job honoured God, you can too.
Breathe in, breathe out.

God is good, all the time
Even when I don't feel that way.

Dying inside

And how do I stop these tears
And how do I keep from panicking
And how do I break this chain of always
Wanting to self-destruct?

I'm not ok
But I can't tell you that because
That would be adding pressure to you
And you're already not ok.

But these words, they hurt
And echo
And echo
And echo
And echo
And echo and they won't shut off.

And it drives me crazy
But I can't tell you that either
And I can't tell you how it hurt
Over weeks.

Weeks.
How stupid.
How can 3 weeks make me so weak
I'm supposed to lean on Him,
Supposed to be strong
But I have had to struggle to be strong for too long

I'm breaking down.

God, help me.
Please keep my hand from the blade.

What does it feel like?

Like I've just committed harikiri.*

Now, more than ever, I want to go home.

*I won't.

Precious Lord, Take My Hand

Yesterday, the ball dropped.
We picked it up and hung it back on the hook.
Now to see if God will let it drop again.

Either way, rebuilding will be needed.
Either way, healing will be needed.
Either way, I need to learn to sleep again.

Maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
~Corrinne May, Everything in its time

I need Thee every hour, O precious Lord

What origin, this intense jealousy?

Be still, my heart.  

(Like a foolish child, I learn 
Of how impulse can burn.)

In Christ Alone

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand

Dear Lord, what a lot has changed since I last wrote. I read these posts full of woe, full of insecurity, so full of my own pain but forgetting to look at my Healer. Though I am not yet fully healed, yet I know You have placed me on the road to Your eternal healing.

Grant that all those who stumble on this humble post may find their way to You, O Lord. :)

Though I Try To Hide It, It's Clear

She's alot better than me.

Alot, alot, ALOT better.

Maybe it's time to make a graceful exit.

Try to say goodbye and I choke

It Hurts :'(

How could you?

When I've been asking and hinting so many times...

How could you?

Am I simply not good enough? If so, why couldn't you just tell me?

I need to stop being selfish
I need to get out of this pit of self-pity
I need to start praying regularly for you.

I need God's help to stop thinking the unthinkable.

I need to go cry myself to sleep now.

These past few days...

...there has been no other way to describe this feeling than "heartsick".

Logically, I know I'm making too much of it. It will pass, for one or other of various reasons.

Yet somehow, I am peaceless.

I must remember to cling to God.

Wondering

Sometimes I wonder if you really know - if you really, really know - how much I treasure each minute spent with you.

Sometimes, I wonder...

Struggling to Accept

The loneliness is back, and it's not going away.

How much longer can I pretend that everything is okay?

Still fighting the fear that after all this, I will still lose you.

I keep having to remind myself that you love me - and you really do, but I still have to remind myself of it.

You said you don't want a break-up, and it doesn't look like a break-up, but it feels like a break-up and it hurts like a break-up.

I want to just surrender and be dead to pain... Or go into a deep sleep and wake up just in time for us to reconnect, or get back together, or whatever the opposite of "break" is.

I'm no longer your angel; angels don't have broken hearts.

I want to cry and sleep and sleep and cry and cry and sleep and sleep and cry...

Reminder to Self:

This is a time for you to spend more time with God, to put your life in order, to go back to exploring your talents and interests.

This is NOT a time for you to lose yourself in Facebook and junk food.

Jesus hold me close in Your embrace

Confused

How can I feel so lonely when you're right here beside me?

Am I being ungrateful, asking for the moon?

Maybe it's time I stopped having unrealistic expectations.

But what is a realistic expectation?

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong to long for romance?
Is it wrong to want to dance?
Is it wrong to feel the magic?
Is it wrong to cry at something tragic?

Is it wrong to feel the tone
Of everyday, and ask for more
A little spice would be quite nice
A little hope, a little lore

A little spark to cheer the day
A little something for to hold
Deep in one's heart, and light a fire
That would keep away the cold...

Is it wrong to ask that you
Would love me just a little more
Or, if you love me lots already,
Show me like you did before?

Missing You Major

(But it's no use telling you.)

More Lyrics

Don't cry out loud
Just keep it inside
And learn how to hide your feelings

Lyric From Somewhere

When I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough

Upcoming:

The most painful period of my life so far.

But valuable things are worth suffering for, and I know we can come through this if we continue to seek God faithfully.

All those years of training my heart must have prepared it well, right?

It's gonna take awhile.

Fortunately, I have a God who never sleeps.

He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
When we are weak, He becomes stronger
So rest in His love, and cast all of your cares
On Him

Maybe...

Maybe...
Maybe it's true, there really is a generation gap in our tastes, and I'm just too old-fashioned.

Maybe...
Maybe I've been too hard on them, expected them to grow up too fast, and not given them the room to grow, explore, have fun.

Maybe...
Maybe I was not close enough to God, and therefore was completely wrong in everything that I felt, said or did.

This is the first time I have ever felt such a wide rift between us... This is the first time I have ever felt like it could all end because of our differences.

This is not the first time I have felt that I am not contributing to anybody's growth.

Maybe...
Maybe the nay-sayers were right after all.

Father, please give all the parties involved a good rest tonight, and a peace in their hearts as they worship You tomorrow... Grant that we speak not from ourselves but from Your heart and Your words, Father. May we love each other as deeply as You love us. In Jesus' most precious and holy name, we pray, Amen.