... and scared my family to death. particularly my bro since he was arguing wif me over some small thing a few moments b4 that. but it wasn't him, really it wasn't, it was just my feelings taking over me again. must be PMS.
then again i don't think it's all that unjustified. i was so happy tonight, u know? we'd had reunion dinner wif my mum's family and the company was good and the food was plentiful and boy, you shoulda seen the scallops -- BIG. yeah, i was happy. then we came home and i had a nice time wif my parents; doing the yearly "bao hong bao" before the first day of visiting... and arranging sweets and all that. all cheery and full of fun, logged on to check mail and wish pple happy lunar new year (after sending countless sms that is) and *boom* i get hit again.
why does this happen? i thought i had enough to deal with already. i mean yeah, first time i get the msg, u know? i'll work on it, just leave me some time to try... i mean maybe you wanna remind me but really some things cld be said nicely u know? i just felt totally struck down and silenced once more... i couldn't say anything last time and it really isn't going to help if you do this again you know.
i mean i know i shouldn't take this so personally, there's truth in it and besides i suppose you're doing it for the edification of the whole group but there's just sth niggling there that doesn't sit right with me and it's messing up my whole emotional balance and i struggle to sleep each night. do you know that? do you mean to cause that? i like to think you don't, but sometimes bare words can seem more cutting than they actually are. this is getting me so down, and sometimes i wonder if i should just step back, step away, but i can't because God put me there and who am i to question if He's right? i just have to keep working at it i guess. just do my job even though i've lost that blush of enthusiasm for it. it's a responsibility; i guess it doesn't have to be a pleasure as well. but oh, how i wish things were different!
then again, it must be as that speaker at FT said: "The first mark of being a Christian is love. The second is suffering." yeah i guess if i look at it that way i can grit my teeth and bear it somehow. it won't be easy but i've told myself from the beginning that i'm such a small, insignificant person, with such small ability for this role, that i have to trust God in everything and let HIM shine through... let HIM lead. and now i just have to believe that. i've always had problems with the fear of God -- because i always viewed Him as a friendly entity, and it never occurred to me that He IS God, and He is great, and it is only out of the goodness of His heart that He treats us like children, like His friends... i need to learn that awe of Him all over again. and i guess this could be one of the ways that i'm learning it.
but this is a really hard lesson, and i just wish i could sleep at night. you're not alone Dawn when you say you wish you could sleep. it's escapist to say i don't want to think about it, but i can't do much even if i DO think about it... i mean there's nothing that i have to say to the group right now, at least nothing that is impt and can be condensed. i'm not even confirmed yet; not yet a full member of the church. sometimes i really feel like the most inferior, the most immature in the whole group, and i'm taking on this huge role??? and i want to ask God why but it's so disrespectful to. i'm just so messed up and confused here. God... please give me strength!
i don't even dare to reply anymore. i don't even dare to talk on forums anymore. i'm drawing into myself, and i don't like it, i really don't. am i doing the right thing? is there something else i should be doing? should i react in one way or another? i don't know, God! i'm just so lost and hurt and confused. and i shouldn't be, but that doesn't change the fact that i am. i just don't know how to deal with this; i wish i did dear God...
i'm crying now, and it's horrible. i don't look very palatable even at the best of times, and this is not one of them. how can i be happy tmr? i hope i can be happy tmr. it's not very nice to show "a black face" as my mum wld say, at other pple's houses. i want to be polite and friendly and caring, but how do i do that when i'm not even sure what kind of a person i am, i'm not even sure if everybody hates me for talking too much when there is absolutely no need for doing so???
there, i've said it. yes, i talk too much. i've always wielded the fact like a shield when anybody showed the slightest sign of irritation, and i suppose it's "all coming back to me now" and i find my shield has cracked and can't protect me anymore. i do talk too much, i do, i do. and i SHOULD cut down, yes i should i should. but dear me, it feels like i'm pulling off an arm and a leg and it HURTS... it really does like deep chest pain hurt not just the "oh i'm so hurt that i'm not a perfect person" kindof hurt. i just don't like being plain and uninteresting. i don't know if that's me. maybe that kindof thing SUITS me. you know, no frills, just direct and straight to the point. i mean, i'll be ever so much more efficient and get much more things done. but i wouldn't enjoy it as much. but was my enjoyment ever supposed to be accounted for in the first place?
times like this i realise how much i really live for myself and not for God. if my life were truly God-centred i don't think i'll be having all these vacillations. human flesh and pride; worldly thoughts and ideals. but i always thought becoming like Christ was a long lifetime process, and some pple go faster and some go slower and those that go slower do so coz they can't handle so much at one time. and i thought i was one of those pple. but am i? maybe i'm just lazy. maybe this is prodding me, telling me to hurry it up. is it? dear God, i don't know...
i guess end of the day there's just one thing i can stick to, and it's this: "Whatever you do, do it as to the Lord, and not as to Man" (i'm sure i've misquoted this verse but i really have no clue as to where in the Bible it might be; new testament maybe?) basically the idea that Man can say what they want but ultimately it is God who will judge what is right. and although some men may speak the words of God and provide needed admonishment, there are times when all you can do is ask God to show you the right thing and then do it and never mind what they say. i guess i have to learn to do that this time. i just pray that God will help me to succeed.
and just to cheer everybody up a bit: Happy Lunar New Year to all out there (if there's any) :)
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