Peace Of My Mind :P

You know how in Christian literature, they often talk about having Shalom, that deep abiding peace from God that is present even in the most troubled times? The thing about it is that I've never really been sure whether I feel it. For sure, I don't feel calm and sure and stable all the time... There are times, even long periods of time, when I feel almost shaken to the core, almost beaten to the ground.

But as the song goes:

I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

And in that case, I do know that I experience peace in bad times, not because I go through them calmly and with equanamity, but because no matter how pained and abandoned and crushed I feel, I know that in the end God will take me through. Whether He lifts me out or carries me through or lets me walk through it but never leaves my side, He will be with me all the way. And that is what I think peace really describes, the security of that knowledge even if your heart trembles with fear and your soul cries deep rending tears. Even if you think "God, you seem so far away", you know that He is there and He cares for you. And that is much more precious than any fake stability that anything on earth can give you. :)

Yesterday I was happy, but it was that kind of tense, binding happiness where you can't believe you're happy, you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking that it can't last. But when God had sorted things out and there's stuff to look forward to and duties to fulfil in the meantime, I could finally relax and say I was content, and at peace. The closest I can describe it is: Imagine you've picked up a $1000 note that doesn't belong to anybody (and, in the pattern of primary school compositions, you've taken it to the police station and been told that you can keep it. :P) and of course you're ecstatic. You put it in your wallet and all day long you are walking around thinking of the $1000 note in your wallet, being happy but being so anxious that your wallet might get stolen, or the note might fall out when you take out your wallet to buy something, or the police station might find the owner and call you up to return it or something. You're happy, but tense. But then at the end of the day you go to the bank and you deposit the note into your bank account and then you start thinking, "What should I do with this unexpected windfall? How can I give back to God the blessings He has given me?" and then you start planning to set up a fund for poor children in your country, and you set up a timeframe and a plan of how to go about it... You have something to DO with that money now. And that's contentment and peace. :) (At least according to my story :P)

Yesterday's CG was good, we just had a time of worship, sharing and prayer. Couple of songs God seemed to be pointing in my direction that day, I'll just list their titles: "Times of Refreshing" and "Still". "Lead me to the cross" also seemed to call out to me, and when Kumuthan read out Psalm 91 I couldn't help remembering the Children's Ministry theme song of the same name. :)

I will dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High
I will stay in the shadow of Your wings
For Lord You are my refuge
My tower of strength
My hope is in You
Secure I stand

You will deliver me
Your truth will be my shield
Jesus You cover me
In Your love no fear prevails

No evil
No terror
No arrow
No plague
Shall ever come near me
For You are my safety
My hiding place
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in You.

During sharing, Adeline shared a part of Elizabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity". (I want to get that book sometime :P) She wrote that when she and Jim Elliot (that famous missionary who was killed by cannibals and whose widow later ministered to them and the whole tribe converted -- I think) first confessed their feelings for each other, Jim said he couldn't commit because God might call him away to missions. Sure enough, He did, and Elizabeth spent the time waiting, praying that God would take away her feelings for Jim because it hurt so much and she didn't even know if it would amount to anything in the end. (Don't forget in those days, mission work was very dangerous and one could get killed while on missions -- so the uncertainty was much more amplified too.) But God rewarded their faithfulness and after 5 years they were finally reunited, and eventually married. I thought that was such a beautiful story of two faithful people and one ever-faithful God :)

And of course it's always edifying to pray in a group... even if it's about something as strange as shoes ;P

One thing I love about songs is that their meaning (or at least, their personal application to your life) changes when the context that you sing them in changes. One of the reasons why I often advocate ambiguity :) I think ambiguity leaves room for God to work in.

Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You tell me who I am
I am Yours

What A Difference A Spot Of Sunshine Makes :)

Oh, I know there will be trials
And rocky roads to face
And times when all we can do
Is lean upon God's grace
We might have to face mountains
And many a choppy sea
But knowing that someone is there
Is quite enough for me. :)

It Takes Time

Dear God, what have I done... I cared for him too much to keep silent but I needn't have gone that extra mile, either. Once again, my desire to know has undone me.

Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mum and the outcome of it is, "It's not the right time." And you know what? I think I can accept that... if only I knew whether:

1) He really does reciprocate (unlike the many other times when it has been one-way, and I always feel like those are my fault. Is it wrong of me to be overly affectionate? Why do I always feel an implicit accusation that it's my fault I care so easily for people? I don't know, another question to be answered by God.)

2) This is really the right path for us at all.

And I guess to me that is really the most important question, the question I've been praying over and over again for the past couple of months. The only thing Mum could say when I asked her, "How do you know??" is "It takes time."

And I can appreciate it taking time. I don't even think it's wise to rush things considering how much farther there is to go. But is there even anything there for me to wait for? Or is God trying to tell me "You're just good friends"??

I did think this morning that I wanted to settle it today, because I said a little too much and now it's like i'm running away from it. But all the wise advice points to this big sign --> WAIT. Yes, I can see how it most probably isn't the right time. (Another example of my stubborness; nobody except God can convince me, I swear. Well, maybe he can. I don't know if he's ever tried.) But dear God, will there ever be a right time at all, for this particular person? Or should I really save us both the trouble and just stay away from him, hoping to starve whatever feeling I have for him?

I'm just avoiding the middle road, aren't I? Yes, the middle road of not saying a word, but just waiting for God to bring things to happen, either to let it fade away or to grow. Of not trying to do things by myself. Of Waiting On The Lord, For Heaven's Sake!! (So much for taking my own advice >.<)

I was going to post the lyrics of the hymn "Take My Life, And Let It Be" here as a reminder of what I should strive for, but re-reading my words made me laugh at an alternative version of a well-known song that I came up with some time ago. I know it's mildly disrespectful to the original writers, but I find it true too. :P

It takes time to wait upon the Lord
It takes time to listen to His voice
Unless the Lord builds the house
We labour in vain
'Coz it takes time to wait upon the Lord.

And You Know

It is for the best.

Stupid girl, why did you even start this in the first place? Looking back now, you know you chose to walk down a dodgy path even though you didn't know it would be quite so dodgy then. But on hindsight, you had a choice, no matter how small or inconsequential it seemed, you made that choice, and now you just have to face the consequences.

The least you can do now is pray.
The most you can do now is keep away.

AND STAY AWAY... from him.
Stupid. Little. Girl.
(There's a reason why I call myself a woolly-headed lamb.)

Lambs are always playing all day in books, but this lamb has work to do. (Maybe she will try to be PRAYing all day instead? :P) And she will depend on God for strength and discipline.

And she WILL stop doing dodgy debatable things. Gahhh.

Pride Comes Before A Fall

This is what pride can do.

So much for asking "Is he spiritually mature enough for me?" Now I find myself asking "Am I spiritually mature enough for him?" And increasingly I find the answer is "No"...

One year (or thereabouts) of talking to him, and I make myself into a simpering fool. That's not even as long as our difference in ages. How could I have thought that I had what it takes? What could I have been thinking??

How wise You are, O Lord... and how wise You have made him.

Help me to be obedient to Your will, Lord. And teach me what to do now so that I will not drag him down in his spiritual walk.

And most of all Lord, help me not to be jealous of his hunger for You, of Your closeness to him. Oh, I know I shouldn't even be jealous in the first place, but You know how this flesh of ours creeps up and assails us from behind when we're not looking... Dear God, I need You to put Your hand on my heart and help me refocus on You and You alone. :S

But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
This is what I am now.

I want to be this:
Oh God I'm so needy, needy
Oh God I'm in need of You

Lord, help me:
Fix my eyes on You Jesus
As I run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith

It's always a struggle, Lord, but I know I am not alone.

Joshua 1:5 "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."

[Later edit: It comes to mind that perhaps one of the reasons I admire him so much is because he is like my Mum in terms of being a faithful lover of God, ever so faithful a servant of Him. And as I have often bemoaned before, I am not enough like my Mum. Oh well.]

Once Again

Over and over again, I find peace in God's presence :)

Managed to put aside last night's frustrations and focus on worshipping God during DK Worship this morning, for which I am devoutly thankful to God Himself :P (Btw, I love how the kids are really taking to Hallelujah To The Lamb. It's generally considered one of the more complicated songs, but they picked it up so quickly and always sing the "hallelujah" part so enthusiastically, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes :') Indeed it is true that "out of the mouths of babes and infants, You have ordained praise"...) Later though when Randall, Abigail and Abigil (I keep wanting to stick an A into her name :P) had left and I was sitting by myself just under the keyboard (if you've never been in DK Worship, you wouldn't understand this :P), those ponderings came back and assailed me again. At that time, Amos (I keep wanting to call him Uncle Amos but he explained the last time how that made him feel old -- I get this alot from adults now that I'm supposedly one myself :P) was telling the story of the olive oil that filled up all the pots and pans in the house and he was doing a pretty good job of it too! I can tell all the kids enjoyed it and I wasn't sure the adults weren't having a ball of a time too :P I was only just able to keep my mind on the lesson, all the time pleading with God in my heart: "God, You know what's going on in my heart and what I am facing... What am I supposed to do that will be pleasing to You? What's in Your plan for me? And how will I know? Give me an answer... How am I supposed to live for You if I don't know what it means in this situation? Please give me an answer..." It helped that in my position I could see the huge cross in the chapel and be quite close to it, so I glanced up at it every now and then to reassure myself that God was listening to me, that He was THERE. That went on more or less until the story ended and Amos switched on the computer to show a slide that said...

"Psalm 34:10 ...those who seek the Lord will lack no good thing."

I don't know why, but it just seemed like God's answer to me somehow, even though at that time I hadn't fully thought out how it was His answer to me. But it just kept running on and on through my mind as Jennifer (almost Aunty Jennifer -- gahhh!) shared Wajiyah's story, and I kept staring at the cross (which was easier now because Jennifer was using the projector so it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention or anything) and I gradually became aware that the knots inside of me were slowly being unwound, not like physically but really in terms of emotions, I just felt myself begin to relax under God's warming influence... And somehow the story just served to impress the lesson further upon my heart.

Basically what she shared was how God took care of Wajiyah, this missionary lady from our church. Wajiyah first came to Singapore from Indonesia many years ago to work as a maid (the more politically-correct term is domestic helper. But in the local context, "maid" is more widely recognisable) and her employer happened to be Mrs Sonya (Sonia?) Cheong, mother of one of the DK teachers. Sonya treated her maid very well and even asked her what her ambitions were, and Wajiyah indicated that she would like to learn English. So Sonya taught her English, and as part of the lessons she taught her to read the Bible as well. As a result, Wajiyah became a Christian from believing what she read in the Bible.

After her contract expired, Wajiyah expressed a desire to serve God in Indonesia, but didn't know how to go about it. Sonya helped her contact a missionary in Indonesia named Dr Tan Kok Boon (I think) and asked what she should do. Dr Tan advised her to go to the Bible College in Lawang, which would give her 4 years of theological training. But Wajiyah wanted to know what would happen after that, where would she be able to serve God with her training? Dr Tan didn't know either, but he said he would pray about it.

As the 4 years went by, Dr Tan kept receiving phone calls from Indonesians who wanted to learn how to be missionaries -- but they didn't know English, and so they needed to be taught in Bahasa Indonesia. But he didn't know of any such school they could go to, so all he could do was take down their contacts and tell them he would pray about it. He had an idea that perhaps Batam would be a good place to set up something, but he had no concrete plans beyond that. Various other people prayed and prayed with him, but nobody seemed to have any idea what to do.

Finally the 4 years were drawing to a close, and Wajiyah called up Dr Tan, saying that she would be graduating soon and asking if he knew where she was going to go after her studies. She had not lost faith in God's providence all this time. Dr Tan could only tell her that he did not know as yet.

One day soon after that conversation, Dr Tan received a phone call from a woman who said she was going to donate a house. Dr Tan was delighted: "That's wonderful! Where is the house?" The reply came: Batam. It was God's answer to their prayers! :)

So Wajiyah finished her studies, and she and Dr Tan set up a Bible School in Batam with the (big, bungalow) house that the woman had donated, teaching all the Indonesians who wanted to be missionaries. Not only that, but when two other houseowners in that neighbourhood discovered what they were doing, they donated their houses too! So now the missionaries had THREE houses, and besides a Bible School they set up a kindergarten as well, and another centre whose purpose I've forgotten :P But that story was just amazing.

After that, Jennifer talked about how God loves to make jigsaw puzzles and bring all these separate pieces (Wajiyah, Mrs Sonya Cheong, Dr Tan, the Indonesians, the houseowners) together to form one beautiful picture (Wajiyah's ministry, providing the Indonesians with a Bible School). And as she did so, I was ruminating on the story by myself (still staring at the cross). The take-home point for the whole session was that God works miracles in our lives each and every day, and we only have to look out for them to recognise them. ("Take a look at the ordinary / don't need to look for paradise" :P) But through thinking about the verse and what it means to me, I came to this conclusion:

"With or without a partner, I will run this race. I'll walk Your path for me; I will seek Your face!"

As in marathons (or so I've heard; not much of an athlete myself :P), if you have a running partner you can actually be motivated to run faster and further because the both of you are providing each other company along the arduous, tedious route and spurring each other on to the end. But that doesn't mean that if you don't have a partner you will deflate and sink to the ground; you can still finish the race by simply continuing to give of your best, and striving on for the goal! And you will be no less rewarded by God :) (In fact, some theories have it that if you have a partner the journey becomes even more arduous instead. But I don't know anything about this so I shut up :P)

And I repeat again the verse that brought this home to me :)
Psalm 34:10 "...But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."
(Interestingly, God has been pointing me to Psalm 34 quite frequently in recent times. I think I will "test God" by waiting awhile to see if He points me back to another part of it again before I post it up in whole ;P)

And yes, that's one of the reasons why I didn't go for Contemporary Worship today. I felt more or less like I had attended a full service already, which is what Edmond always intended for the Children's Ministry anyway :) Besides which, I had an essay to rush that I'm still rushing :(

Totally unconnected song, but what the heck :D

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy, and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

*Deep Breath*

I must calm down.

I must not do rash things.

Dear God, I don't know if You were trying to speak through my brother. (Lord, You know how I feel about my brother speaking to me. :P Help me not be biased Lord...) I don't know if he was highlighting to me something that I ought to change, or rein back, or is natural and oughtn't to be interfered with because it comes from You.

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day...
No expectations, remember?

Dear God, I'm very bad at following my own advice :'( Please help me, Lord.

Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Maybe I should stop.

What's the name of the game
Does it mean anything to you

It's not a game, it's never a game, I've never treated it as a game, but it's a game all the same... (That Rhymes :D) It's a game because it doesn't mean anything to everybody else. It's a game because I must always keep it hidden, all the time. It's a game because I never know, never will know (although this is debatable), don't want to know but want to know all at the same time. I want to know because I don't want it to be a game. I don't want to know because I'm so afraid of the deep hurt it brings. So uncertainty, or heartbreak? The Devil and the deep blue sea. (Actually, I rather like blue... and the sea [or more specifically the beach]. But I meant that phrase metaphorically :P)

And they called it Puppy Love
Just because we're in our teens
Well, I'm not in my teens anymore, and frankly that only confuses me further. Since I'm not in my teens anymore, does that mean I won't experience Puppy Love, only the Real Thing? Or does it have more to do with the quality, the maturity of the relationship itself?

And in that case, what does it say about me if somebody thinks I am experiencing "Puppy Love"?

Sorry... I'm being too self-centred again. "Me me me" I can start singing Sound Of Music at this rate :P

It's just that it looks like it's shaping up to be another "me versus the family" issues. And my track record on those have not been good recently.

Dear Lord, please speak to me. Because I need guidance pretty badly, and I think I need it quite soon before I pass the point of very-difficult-to-return.

At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord...

God, You rock!!! You are greater than any issues or challenges I might face :)

There is no problem too big
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
He cannot move it
There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it

If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my sister that He will carry you

He said "Come unto Me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest"(X2)

Unexpectantly

It always bugs me to bits when people say "unexpectantly" when they really mean "unexpectedly"... So I decided to use it for my title :P (No, I don't make sense. Was that a surprise? :P) According to my own non-logic, my next title really ought to be "irregardless". Bah.

Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.

(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)

Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.

(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)

Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.

Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)

Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)

Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain

(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)

Morning Musings (okay afternoon really but who cares :D)

Okay I deleted THAT post too :P I'm fickle. Nah, anyway it was too much an angsty tantrum thrown by an ungrateful sleepy child.

Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!

And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.

Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.

The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?

[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]

That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:

Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.

"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D

God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine

What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!

Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.

Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.

A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"

So Complicated

*cries*

Father, hold me...

The Tempest

Heh. Blog or no blog, I STILL end up inundating my LJ friends with posts. :P

This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S

Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)

Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.

The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"

So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"

And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
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Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)

3 things caught me in the sharing:

"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."

The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')

Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river

Wishy-Washy Hint Hint Stuff :P

I broke my half my resolve again! :(

Oh well. Better this half than the other half.

Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...

How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.

Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.

And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.

Today, I found peace in QT again :) (read LJ for more)

Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)

What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)

You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical

Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it

There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore

Who's In Control?

I have only just realised my own controlling behaviour -- or at least, the desire to control things. I wonder if it stems from the frustration of being unable to control my own procrastinating behaviour and hence, I try to control other things in my environment? I do apologise if you're one of the people I have been taking it out on lately. Father, help me remember it is Your ministry and not my own...

Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.

Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)

The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!

What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.

Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)

Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)

Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:

At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord

Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord

Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.

So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)

This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)

Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!

And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...

jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)

Had a taste lately? ;)

To remind myself:

If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You

Virtually Dangerous

Is Computer Mediated Communication (CMC) really the root of all my emotional problems??

I hate to agree with Mum, but it looks like it's true... the past 3 "e-problems" have been strongly linked to the use of CMC -- things like online chat and blogging. Bah.

But a little voice inside me cries: "Don't shoot the (MSN)messenger!" It's not the channels of communication but rather my own tendency to jump to conclusions and imagine things that aren't there. In the oft-repeated words of Mum and Dad, I'm simply too "emotional" and must learn to be "rational and disciplined". No quarrels with that, only I don't know how to do that and still retain a heart.

Maybe, in the world of grown-ups, one doesn't NEED a heart -- only brains and pair of hardworking hands. Hearts are, perhaps, useless because of their tendency to make one vulnerable and weak. Personally, I don't buy that because God spoke first to my heart and then my brain, and I don't take that lightly at all. Without emotions, are human beings really human at all?

Without a brain, can human beings in today's world maintain their existence as human beings?

Even my brain is treacherous nowadays. Maybe another reason why I've never thought it possible to separate one's brain from one's heart is the fact that they are inseparably linked. He appeared in my dreams last night... something about doing homework with a whole bunch of other people but he was there. And if dreams are not from the brain, a lot of scientific research out there is wrong.

That's when I knew I'd really got it bad, like last time. And more and more I'm beginning to realise there's really nobody I can turn to for help, or even to cry my heart out to. Dangerous to approach guys (the same kind of danger that got me into this mess) and there are very few girls I feel comfortable enough confiding in; those that I'm comfortable with are too busy or in another country. (Darned globalisation effects.) And sometimes all you really want is a big, real, warm hug instead of a virtual *HuGz!!*

Mum says I'm just having PMS; well, perhaps I am. I need to pray that I will stop being so affected by it.

Last night I thought a scary thought: "I'm so tired of being human, of having to try." I didn't go beyond that but it's still scary because I've never thought to that point before. I pray that I will never go beyond that...

Father, draw me near
near to where You are
hold me in Your arms of love
for I long to be with You

take me deeper, draw me nearer
Spirit bring me to the arms of the Father
fill me with unending desire
each day I live to worship You

Lord, help me live like I mean that song...

If I Got What I Wanted

I would find it a very bitter fruit to swallow.

Better to not have than to foolishly do what I know to be wrong.

Dream again?- segueing into story idea

As the title indicates, I had yet another dream last night... I don't remember very much of it but what I do remember intrigues me and may become a story idea :)

In the dream, I'm a little girl sitting in a red sports car with the top open, next to my slim funky-looking short-haired mother who is driving the car. We're driving through what looks like wide open fields but on a proper tar road, and then suddenly we come to what seems to be the end of a plateau and from where we stop, the ground slopes down to a plain dotted with bungalow houses and beyond that, the deep blue sea. I am delighted with the sea breeze we feel (maybe an effect of me having turned the air-conditioner on last night :P), but my mother says nothing and continues down the road on that slope until we come to a pair of elaborate white metal gates, the kind with lots of curls and what i believe are called trellises (although I'm not sure). At that moment, I have a feeling of deja vu, as if I'd read about this scene before (perhaps, in my non-dream life, I have) or dreamt about it or something. And because of that, I knew I was supposed to go and open the gates even though my mother didn't say a word. So I jumped out of the car and did just that, and a grey-haired lady dressed in a genteel-looking dress of soft lilac/pink is standing at the side of the driveway. Just as my mother drives in and stops right before what seems to be a huge porch, I turn around and see that right behind us is a faded-looking car and some kids are climbing over each other calling out: "Grandma!" Strangely, I have the feeling that they are my cousins and that the lady is MY grandmother too. I turn and look at the grey-haired lady, who walks right past me ignoring me even though I am sure she has seen me and welcomes the other kids warmly instead. I turn to my mother for some sort of explanation, but she is deliberately not looking at me and is lugging our luggage out of the car instead. I head towards the house and am awestruck by its size and what appears to be the decor, which seems terribly elaborate and lacy and ENGLISH. I am intimidated, but at the same time feel as if I have come home.

At that point I wake up because my alarm rings. (That appears to be the way in which my dreams often end :P) Thinking about it while lying in bed just after the alarm rang and even throughout the day, I started defining my characters and fleshing out the storyline until it seems to be an entire saga all on itself. It's not that unique a plot really, it's just how me the timid but secretly bubbly grandchild and my mother the outcast and dark sheep of the family gradually melt my grandmother's stern and disdainful dislike towards us and we become a real family again. All the usual stock in trade make their appearance, such as the absence of a father who was the real reason why my mother was ostracised and why my grandma considered me a "bastard" and told the other kids so such that they jeered at me, being mistreated by my grandma like seeing my cousins given preferential treatment and constantly being ignored by my grandma, and even the household servants disdained me.

[continuation of story idea] The only household servant that took pity on me was a man of a different race who was had the lowest position among all the servants... I took a liking to him and he would make me laugh and give me toys he made himself and was my friend. One day in front of the servants he gave me one of the toys and I broke into a smile and a laugh that enchanted all the other servants. However, Grandma made a disparaging remark about how I was like my mother, only liking men from other races (she had a derogatory term for that, but I'm not all that well-verse in derogatory terms so never mind). On hearing her words I suddenly withdraw into timid sobriety and return the toy to him and run off. Gradually, because of this incident the servants warm to me but my grandma still rejected me even though I had very similar interests to hers (like baking, and needlework of some sort; I forget if it was crocheting or something like that) and kept trying to connect with her. Eventually I learn (at my precocious age) to bake a cake for grandma, and when she is told about it she expresses scorn that I could do any such thing and demands that I make a cake before her very eyes, without any help from anyone else. I manage most of the tasks to everyone's surprise, and am just carrying the batter to the cake tin when one of my cousins, who is watching as well, decides to sabotage me by tripping me up with his radio car. No one stops him but instead of tripping, I step on the car instead and break the toy, injuring my foot deeply. The cook rushes forward to help me but Grandma holds her back and insists that I deal with the situation on my own. So I hobble to the table, put my mixing bowl down, then hobble to get tissue and clean my wound and bind it up. I also clean up the blood on the floor and then wash my hands thoroughly and proceed with the cake. When the cake goes into the oven Grandma finally speaks, telling everyone that even after the cake is done, she will not eat it because it has been baked by a bastard, and that I will have to pay for the toy car that I broke. With that, she sweeps out of the kitchen and I am very downhearted. However, I decided to finish the job that I started, so I ice the cake prettily with pink and white icing and lots of curls, and then at tea-time when she and some other ladies (I'm not sure if they are relatives or friends) are sitting around the table, I carefully carry my creation out and slide it onto the table in front of her. "Please try it, Grandma" I say, looking up at her with pleading eyes, while the other ladies at the table look on. She stares down at the cake but refuses to pick up her fork or look at me. Something breaks inside me and I ask her with a tremble in my voice: "Grandma, why can't you love me?" Grandma replies with a kind of brittle hardness in her voice that she simply can't tolerate mistakes and I just have to live with it.

At that point in time my mother, whom I hadn't realised was at the table with all the other ladies, stands up, stares straight ahead (i.e. not at Grandma) and says she's sorry, but she has to leave... It was a mistake to come back and she should never have put her child through so much pain. She walks over and picks me up into her arms, and as she leaves the room without looking back, I look over her shoulder and softly cry: "Grandma..." Grandma still hasn't moved.

My mother and I go into our room and we start packing, and Mom starts telling me about her childhood and how she was a "mistake" that Grandma and Grandpa didn't intend to have. Initially they were upset at having an unplanned, extra mouth to feed, but gradually Grandma was won over by my mother's bubbly and creative nature which was unique among the family. Grandma thus doted on my mother but Grandpa was a strict bigot and was very unhappy when my mother started dating a man from another race. He threatened to lock her up and as a result Mom eloped with the man who would eventually become my father. Because of that, Grandma was very hurt and that was why she had given us a very cold reception when my father died and Mom and I came back to live with her. Mom said she had been prepared for the ostracism they practised towards her but not for the pain I would go through as I faced that similar ostracism, and Grandma's sentence about mistakes had brought back to her painful memories of being ostracised as a child, and she didn't want to subject me to that anymore. I wanted to tell her "but I feel at home here", yet I dared not because I didn't want to make Mom feel that I wasn't on her side and hurt her in the process.

At that moment, Grandma comes into the room and says that we don't have to leave. Mom still wants to leave but Grandma apologises and says she shouldn't have said that about mistakes and that Mom was the best mistake she ever made. They hug and then Grandma turns to me and says that she will eat my cake. True to her word, she goes into the kitchen and the cook cuts a slice for her and we all watch breathlessly as she hesitates... Then plunges her fork firmly into the cake and gulps down a bite. A smile spreads across her face and she says the cake was quite good, but could be better. I ask: "Grandma, can you please teach me how to make a better cake?" and she nods with a smile.

And everything turns out happily :) I do love happy endings. (This reminds me to go and look up that article about how women's fantasies picture things getting worse and worse until they suddenly perk up at the end, and men's fantasies picture things being better and better until disaster strikes and things go downhill -- Which could actually help to explain why women like Bollywood movies better than men do :P)

Sound Lessons :)

The Singapore Polytechnic musical, SuPerstar, exceeded my expectations! :) Admittedly, them expectations initially weren't very high... I was torn between being impressed by their slick marketing brochure, and not-so-impressed by the fact that it didn't seem to present itself as anything more than a celebration of reality TV talent shows. But I was proved wrong about that second part...

First up, kudos to the director-cum-musical director, as well as the scriptwriter. I think they took it beyond "Let's take the talent show and put it into theatre format -- look instant musical!" but in fact managed quite cleverly to bring out several issues about the whole phenomenon of reality TV shows, and reality TV talent shows in particular... For example, the very real possibility of friendships being affected when both friends are in the competition. Plot-wise, there were a couple of parts that I felt could use improvement (the "moment of threat" to the protagonist that might have prevented him from continuing in the competition was just a little too short to be very believable/significant/suspenseful, and the "recovery from the threat" itself was also a bit too hilarious to really be taken seriously), but mostly it ran quite smoothly and was an engaging enough structure to support the songs without falling limp in the intervening bits. As in, I think the non-sung dialogue was pretty good work :)

Speaking of which, the songs were rather well done too. One thing I LOVED about this production was they provided subtitles for the songs on the screen so you could tell what people were really singing!! :D Of course, it would be much better if the all the singers were good enough in articulation so you didn't need subtitles to hear what the song was about, but for a visual-oriented person like me it was very much appreciated indeed :P Not only that, but they printed all the lyrics in the programme booklet so people could keep a copy of it!!! I am very very pleased indeed :) Otherwise, I would have been reduced to frantically copying down lovely phrases in my notebook just so I wouldn't forget them and could blog about them afterwards :P (I decided not to do so here... Because there are just so many i'd clog up my own blog :P Also: copyright issues!) Honestly though, I really think they should take this musical to the public arena and tour it or something. A little cleaning up needs to be done, but I honestly think standard-wise it's at least on par with Godspeed the musical, and that it's the most honest portrayal of the issues of the reality TV talent show phenomenon that doesn't take itself too seriously to be fun. Think about it eh, SP? ;P

Talent-wise, I am very impressed indeed. Of course they were not professional singers, but after having been for Forbidden City recently, I feel that too often people make far too much fuss about a professional singer until they suffer from comparison with their reputation. Therefore I think one must judge each performance based on what you think was done well there and then right before your ears/eyes. There were a couple of really good singers (the actors playing Shelley and Jun Liang), one or two others that seemed to have a reasonable standard with a few moments of ooh-ness (and, sometimes, one or two moments of "ouch"-ness), and most of the others were just having fun :) There's nothing wrong with having fun, and in fact I rather like to watch this kind of fun, but what I'm saying is there was real talent in this musical and not just in terms of singing, either. This is probably the first time I've actually woken up to the fact that "Yah... The orchestra must be super-stressed because they are 'on' all the time, in a manner of speaking... The actors can go backstage and take a breath or two but the orchestra just keeps playing and preparing for the next song and playing!!" Well of course they have a break here and there too like during the dialogue or when a different section of the orchestra is playing or something, but still it seems quite nerve-wracking. Also, I quite liked some of the bits where sound was used as support for the dialogue -- especially the bit where someone played on an electric organ to imitate a ringtone sound :P There was very good use of multimedia -- very good use indeed! I was particularly inspired by the use of photographs of different places being used to indicate setting on a big screen behind... and also all the animation bits which included a spoof of the beginning sequence of the Idol shows :P Oh yes how could I forget the dancing :) I think the choreographer was pretty good, particularly in big-group sequences (of which there were quite a few) -- not spectacular, but the kind of stuff that I involuntarily go "nice!!" at, for example the crossing of two circles of people to become one circle inside the other. But I think the bit that really WOKE me up to the diversity of talents in SP was during one soloist's performance when instead of having background dancers, they had people on roller skates skim around the stage gracefully. Beautiful!!!

Oh yeah and I think President Nathan is a nice warm-hearted man :) He had done the usual VIP thing of going up on stage to take a picture with the whole cast and receive a token of appreciation... Then he actually held out his hand to a young man who was sitting on the floor during the taking of the picture, and pulled him to his feet. Wow! Not only that, he didn't just ceremoniously take the token and leave, but actually spoke to the cast and complimented them and even looked for the director and shook his hand. I was really amazed and I think he deserves great kudos for that :)

Going home in the car, I had an epiphany. You know the song with the chorus that ends:
"If love never
lasts forever, tell me
what's forever for"
And if you really listen to it carefully you'll see that the lyrics actually don't make much sense. I mean I think I know what the songwriter's aiming for, which is the notion that love lasts forever, else there is no use for the word "forever" because love is so integrated with forever, but if you break it down in a logical manner you'll see that it makes no sense because the theoretical concept of "forever" is quite separate from the theoretical concept of "love". Yet because of the tune, and the way the words just seem to fit the tune, and the way the words just sound right in that combination, many people love that song (and that phrase in the song). And if you were to sing it as part of the song you would be more likely to think "Ohh, what a beautiful sentiment/how true to experience/what a moving statement" instead of "This sentence doesn't make sense". So just like my blog title, we can be sharp and precise and be accurate about something, but if the expression doesn't move you, then in my opinion it has failed to be an effective part of communication. One might as well write "you can't understand unless you're in my position" which is probably the closest to absolute accuracy, in terms of describing experience, that you can get. Which is deeply dissatisfying. Sometimes, I feel, we as human beings get too technical about "what's factually right" and forget the emotional aspect of communication. And what, you ask, is the emotional aspect of communication?

Just a few minutes previously, there was this radio talk show on and the guest speaker was some sort of expert on helping children deal with stress -- i.e. talking to parents saying stuff like "You have to recognise your child's emotions; if they are angry at someone they will not be able to focus on their studies" etc etc. It sounded terribly theoretical and I wondered if the expert had really done her research because she sounded like she was presenting a very one-dimensional view of how children experience stress about studies and she kept repeating that point over and over again. (Doesn't this phrase sound like it uses redundant words??) I was just mulling it over with dad and we wondered whether such self-improvement talks were really useful in real life... and then I dug up a thought that seemed to be waiting just below the surface: "Sometimes, it's really more about giving people hope than actually changing their behaviour." And really it seems to make sense. I mean stuff like frivolous chatting -- how can it be of real empirical use to people?? But it is, because regardless of the nonsense content, what is being communicated is actually feelings... And it can be really affirming to receive vibes like "You are a fun person to talk to" or "There are people who care about you" or "You are really witty -- see I'm laughing!", stuff like that. And that actually translates to a better attitude to whatever events come after that chat, a better disposition towards the world and thus higher chance of creating cooperation leading to possibly better output, better emotional health and hence physical health as well (it is proven that mood actually does affect your physical state) and so on. I don't want to make it sound like the elixir of life but I hope you get my point.

To get back to hope: People can't change their behaviour overnight and they may not achieve it in the long-term either, but sometimes all they really need is that little push of hope to help them believe that things can get better and keep them going on in life. And maybe you say that I'm idealistic and that those talks give people false hope instead of real actual change -- but let me ask you, realistically, can anybody who is not you be 100% correct in telling you how to change your behaviour? No. Does that mean that such motivational speakers have no use then? Not at all! They may not be right in analysing the reasons for their experiencing a better life, but they ARE providing an example (and in many cases, quite a few other examples as well) of people who HAVE managed to better their lives and that gives people hope to continue trying to better their lives in various ways. Being realistic will only result in them saying "It's no use, such change only happened to that person and it won't happen to me -- so forget it." In effect, being "realistic" is simply going to depress people, which is why I feel that people in Singapore seem to age so fast, because they're so haggard with hopelessness. "Realistically," they say dolefully, "you are only deluding yourself if you say things will get better, so why hope? Just walk this journey and breathe a sigh of relief when it is over." I say to you, wake up your idea! Things HAVE gotten better, they may not be on an ever-ascending slope but they have gotten better and gotten worse and gotten better so what makes you think things only get worse and worse? Hope helps you believe that "there's something better further on", it helps you strive for the better so even if things aren't perfect they are better and life won't seem like an ardous journey anymore, but one that has at least some measure of enjoyment :) I think hope is a miracle pill.

Let me end by quoting a comment made by a member of the audience that I overheard as we were streaming out of the hall: "Eh, now I want to go and write a song!" I don't know what the director would have felt if he had heard that, but to me that is the one comment that would make it all worthwhile. To know that a work of art, no matter how tediously it came into being and how short-lived its life, had inspired someone else to want to create art themselves, is to me the very essence of being an artist. This is the standard that I strive to be judged by, and one day hope to achieve. I stand by my view that art is the passing on of hope! :)

Dreams again - this is getting tiring

I haven't much time so I should type quickly. But I was a little traumatised by the dream so it'll take some time to gather my scattered thoughts.

I don't know which part of the dream it is that I remember, but I remember sortof watching as a third person in what seemed to be a movie... Those sorts of movies that get a famous actress to act like a bumbling tomboy in the first half and then get transformed in the second, or some such thing. In this movie, the female character apparently is a bimbotic officer of some armed forces group... I have no idea if they are the police or some rebel group. I do have an impression of schools in the midst of tall lalang, and scurrying students, and what seems to be hiding the hall of the school, but I don't remember much about that part. Anyway, this bimbotic officer is apparently on some type of mission with a few other women officers, and for some reason they go to a road somewhere and are attempting to move some road... barriers? I don't know what they are called, those metal bars that stand upright to about your waist and are painted black and yellow and basically stand all in a line to prevent people from driving where they shouldn't drive. The ones they are trying to move seem to be at a pedestrian crossing, and just as they are about to move off, the bimbotic officer breaks a nail and stops... The other women officers berate her and they start off again, but just as they lift up the metal things to carry them off, an army-like vehicle appears in sight (was it an army jeep? I don't know enough about vehicles to tell) and I involuntarily let out a groan of dismay... I don't even know why. The women officers quickly let down the metal things and pretend they were always on the ground, and some male officers from the vehicle surround them and start to question them. I see one or two women officers grip the metal things tightly and I start to guess what's going to happen next...

And indeed, with a synchronised move, all 6 women grab the metal thing they were about to carry and swing it at the soldiers (or so I assume) talking to them... Each women seems to be facing about 3 soldiers and so with the first swing they hit one, then they swing in the opposite direction and hit another, and the momentum carries them around so they try to swing again to hit the third. Now somehow there is a woman officer from the vehicle left over... And while I don't remember any more about the men, she comes to challenge the 6 women officers (or so I think). This is the point in which I'm not sure if we have moved to being a theatre play, because when this new woman officer demonstrates her prowess in fighting and beating the 6 woman officers, the beaten women officers wipe red paint across their faces to indicate their injuries in a very symbolic way. Suffice it to say that it looks rather real and all of a sudden I realise they are in a grey prison cell (and strangely enough, I'm in there with them). Something happens (I can't remember now) that makes me aware that they have been (or, at least in the story, are supposed to have been) beaten up so badly that they've almost lost their mind... Because the fierce woman officer accuses someone of smuggling something and they laugh almost hysterically and own up. Anyway what this girl has "smuggled" is a purple towel... And for some strange reason there is the impression in my mind that something has been revealed which the regime that the fierce woman officer belongs to does not like. There is also a prejudice against the woman cleaner of the cell (where did SHE come into the picture??). So the fierce woman officer comes into the cell and takes the purple towel from a pile of towels on the bed, and asks the girl if this is what she received from the cleaning lady? The girl says yes, and then the officer takes a bigger, pastel green towel from the pile and says that the girl can have it if she will cooperate with them. The girl seems interested (in the very light-headed, almost insane way) so the woman officer asks her again about the cleaning lady, "you mean she told them what happened so she could get this towel?" and the girl affirms again. Then the officer tells the girl to go off with her.

At this point in time it seems very important to me that they do not fire the cleaning lady and that the "them" are made aware of what is going to happen so they can take steps against it or something. So I take my handphone from my pocket (!!! as if they would have let me keep it!) and type a message under the book I am reading (again, !!! would they have let me keep books? Then again, in the dream I had the impression I was a "favoured" prisoner of sorts because I wasn't beaten and bloodied like the rest.) without letting the guards see what I'm at, and am about to send the message to BK (I don't even know why BK -- he's the president of nu(studios), my NUS film club). That's when I awake, because my alarm was ringing.

Even after I've half-awoken, I kept wondering how I was going to hide the phone and whether they would keep track of all the handphone signals going out and whether I would be in danger and how I could keep the phone hidden and safe but able to access it again to read the reply...

It's scary. I do so hate war stories and movies and things about prisons, and to start my day with a memory of dreams like that is not very happy indeed. :S

dreeeeeam, dream dream dream

Oh dear I've been having too many dreams lately. :(

Two nights ago, my dream (or dreams? Since they appeared not to really be linked) was a very convoluted and slightly disturbing one. There is one part that I'm quite sure wasn't the beginning but for some reason doesn't seem to really fit anywhere in the chronology... It's something about Joel (recent acquaintance in USP) dropping his handphone or something important because he wouldn't tell me something and I kept bugging him about it, and the thing that was dropped was almost run over by a car, and in the end I found out what it was and said "Why did you refuse to tell me, it was such a trivial thing anyway?" and I don't remember his reply. Hmmm.

The other longer and more convoluted part goes like this: For some reason I am shopping in some neighbourhood with my mother and brother, and this neighbourhood looks somewhat like the Bukit Batok neighbourhood we used to live in, except the shops have all been renovated. My mother slips for some reason and falls with her face pressed into something which makes her face dirty. My brother says something like "Why are you so careless?" and I admonish him for being heartless and give my mother a tissue to wipe her face with. We walk towards this shop that we had thought quite intriguing and wanted to enter, but we realised that further inside this shop they sold stuff for temple offerings like incense and stuff like that. So we didn't enter it but we entered another shop which I have the vaguest impression of as selling things for hobbies like kites, possibly. Just then I hear someone call "Dionnie! Reinie!" which are the names of my twin nieces, and I turn around and they've just walked past the shop so I call out to them. Surprisingly, my mother appears not to be surprised at their presence at all (despite the fact that in reality they live in Ponggol and are not likely to be in our neighbourhood at all) and we chat with them for awhile.

Suddenly the scene shifts to a swimming pool (this might be because the twins love to swim :P) and it's like one of those holiday resorts, with a pavilion and all. An "ang-moh" boy is trying to retrieve a tennis ball from the gutter of some pavilion roof, and after he succeeds he falls into the pool with a big splash and rubs his thigh which apparently hurts, although he doesn't appear to be in danger. I was watching that incident from the pool itself but suddenly i'm standing on the second level of a pavilion that seems to be built reaching out over the pool, and there are some guys in the pool that I appear to be talking to. They point out a length of cloth hanging from the railing on the side of the second level which is opposite to mine, and none of us have any idea what it's doing there. Suddenly a girl who appears to be a pageant contestant of some sort (in a bikini, complete with sash and all) is standing just above the cloth, and one or two of the boys starts whistling and swimming towards the cloth while the girl beckons them to climb up it. All of a sudden I notice there are more lengths of cloth tied at regular intervals to the railings overlooking the pool, and girls who look like the other pageant contestants start to appear at the lengths of cloths and there looks like 1 girl for each guy in the pool. Then I realise there is a cloth hanging just below my feet and I tell the guy "Don't even think about it!" :P After that, I realise there are a couple more pageant contestants coming with sashes that match the grey cloth hanging below me so I grab my towels (one white and one dark green) and scuttle past to make room for them. I join my friends in what seems to be a lobby and we're sitting down on sofas... for some reason I have the impression they are my university schoolmates, possibly from USP. But Tabitha (from my Sociology honours class) is there too, so I'm not too sure. The other university schoolmates (two girls) are gossiping and expressing disgust about how the pageant girls (I get the impression they were referred to as foreigners) are taking away our local guys, and then suddenly one local guy appears in front of us and asks Tabitha for a dance. I comment "Nice!" because it appears that at least one local guy isn't too dazzled by the foreigners and likes local girls, and we egg her on, so she goes with the guy, but before he leaves he turns at the last minute and touches the hand of one of the other university schoolmates (who appears to be dark-skinned), whispering "I'll see you later..." And then both my university schoolmates burst out laughing because that guy has turned out to be a playboy after all.

After that I walk to the (very short flight of) stairs behind the sofa and meet a few girls who seem to be from MGS... But I meet Mariko there who was from my primary school (FMPS) so I'm not sure about that. Anyway Mariko is wearing this dress with green print that doesn't seem very nice, and for some reason I spitefully make a sarcastic comment about it, and she responds sarcastically too. Then she mentions that she is going to see her father and that hits me in the heart, because I remember something about her not being on very good terms with her father. So I apologise for being mean and say I truly hope she will have a happy meeting with her father, and she makes a reply and walks up the stairs. I'm about to follow after her (perhaps to apologise again) when I meet my friend Sue Mei from MGS. I put my arm around her and turn to continue up the stairs, but I see someone hanging like a burden from Mariko's back in a very weird position facing us, with her hair covering her face. I peer under her hair and see that it's Huiling (my MGS friend who committed suicide in 2001), and at that point I scream like I've never screamed before in my life, and Sue Mei screams as well and I wake up in a cold sweat.

I know dreams often don't mean anything but I am still a little disturbed by that. And my parents don't seem to have picked up on my distress when I talked to them about it; generally they don't seem to want to talk about Huiling at all when I do bring up the topic. And the day after the dream was when we learnt about my uncle's brother's suicide. But anyway... I think it was just the memory of MGS and petty social bickering that reminded me of our "loners' group" in MGS, and hence Sue Mei, and hence Huiling. So it doesn't mean anything... only I wish I could talk about it to somebody and have them understand.

Well, I'm talking it out to my blog, now :) So I feel much better.

Last night, I dreamt again... This time about being chased in a group of people through fields and over rivers, kinda like in a war scene except it didn't look so "Chinese". I remember dipping my feet into the clear cold water of the river and looking for children in the tall grass. All of a sudden I was hiding behind a tree while a big car/bus/vehicle of some sort drove up, but I couldn't hide well enough and was discovered by a lady in a pink hat/outfit. Suddenly I was in some sort of talent agency (?) and being selected for some grooming programme... they claimed I had the most "potential" even though I protested and said "How could I possibly be better than all those other girls?"

Then I left the talent agency to go somewhere else and waited for a shuttle bus outside (shades of visiting Dad at CGH) and sat on a nice wooden park bench while doing so with my bag next to my feet. I'm not sure at what point Weiyi (from my JC class) was sitting next to me (because I have a vague memory, not sure in this dream or the previous night's one, of her sitting next to me in some random bus and us being surprised and chatting) but there she was on the park bench next to me, commenting about SiJia whom we had just seen some way down the road. I was saying something about how I didn't know SiJia was a Christian until I read what her T-shirt said, and Weiyi was saying something like "Yes, she doesn't really flaunt it around, she's not the type that always wants to talk about it" and I felt a subtle criticism about my own tendency to talk about Christianity and Christianity-related stuff in front of my friends, whether they're Christian or non-Christian (although presumably it only matters more to non-Christian friends). But I can't help it, Christ is so much a part of my life that I honestly don't see how I can compartmentalise belief in Him into just one little box labelled "Religion" instead of acknowledging that His spirit infuses (and is SUPPOSED to infuse) all and every part of my life.

Oh well. At any rate I woke up soon after that, or so I think :P I don't remember anything after that, so I guess I must have.

How strange dreams are. :/