Don't give up on me
Please tell me... what am I supposed to do?
What are you feeling?
What are your concerns?
What do you think I should do?
Most importantly... what can I do to make you happy?
I want to see you all happy... I want peace in my family, I really do.
Am I only allowed one happiness in my life?
And if I am... which one do I choose?
Dear God, I was thinking about all this yesterday... and I wondered "What if Jesus comes tomorrow? So much for 7 years" and I laughed.
But if there isn't a huge announcement and a trumpet and a Loud Voice Saying something or other... what am I going to do?
Please don't be hurt. I'm probably overreacting. Let God handle it for me :) You just schmile, and lean on Him.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Do Not Grow Weary Of Doing Good >.<
Nnnngggggggghhhhhhhh!!!
Colours, Like Kites, Only Fly If You Put Enough Effort In Running. >.<
Thank You God for motivation.
Now Grace, Striveeeeeeeeeee!!!
If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darlin' wait and see
And between now and then, 'til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me
Colours, Like Kites, Only Fly If You Put Enough Effort In Running. >.<
Thank You God for motivation.
Now Grace, Striveeeeeeeeeee!!!
If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darlin' wait and see
And between now and then, 'til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Later :P
Ok yes I said I would elaborate about YAF... Well basically the point was that to be an "overcomer" for God, we have to surrender to Him everyday and even more than once a day, even. And what that means is to let the Holy Spirit come to the fore whenever we face anything doubtful like temptation, and let Jesus affirm His authority of having already overcome even the potential to sin with the forgiveness that He has already paid for with His blood. Or something like that... I know it sounds rather complicated :P
My main take-away point in YAF: God Sees Our Heart.
Today was a day that I was struck with many little thoughts. I list them down here (so as not to kill my LJ friends' pages, again :P).
In DK Worship, we sang this song and it's one of my favourites because it always, always echoes the cry of me heart and reminds me to let myself be drawn to Him...
Draw me nearer to You
Nearer to You
Fill my life with Your presence
The way You want to
'Til my soul is ablaze
Each and every day
Draw me nearer
Nearer to You
There was an announcement about the Dolous (did I spell that right?) ship coming to Singapore next two weekends and the kids seemed pretty excited about visiting. I myself am rather interested, but gahhh schedules. At any rate it's amazing, because this ship is a travelling Christian bookstore whose crew sometimes does inland missions as well. Dawny has been on Logos, the sister ship, before. But this one was apparently built two years before the Titanic and is still in running condition... Making it like the oldest surviving ship ever built, I believe. All the kids were asking how it could possibly last so long, and the adults were giggling about it being due to GPS -- God's Protection System :P I do love DK service.
We did the Holy Communion ritual before going down to the sanctuary, and there were a couple of phrases that caught my mind then -- and I was reminded of them again later when I took Holy Communion in Contemporary Service too. (Ever since young, I've been very aware of the possibility of confusing "Contemp" with "contempt", and so I never really like to say "Contemp Service"... :P)
"Free us for joyful obedience" reminds me alot of my friend Cheryl from New Creation, and how she quoted the verse about "there is now no condemnation" at just the right time I needed to hear it. Yes, we need to be reminded that we are sinners and need God's grace... but God also means for us to be "freed for joyful obedience", not grudging work. Joyful obedience! I'll have to try to apply that to my studies, Lord... :S
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord" reminds me of Shu May :) I'm sure it reminds me of a few other people as well, but she comes to mind most easily because she recently commented on my blog about how it's so much easier to connect with people when you know they are Christians as well. And I find it to be so true... "blessed are those who come in the name of the Lord".
Instead of class today, we had prayer... The cynical bit of me expected the usual "bless my parents" kinda prayers as usual, and was considering bringing a bigger mat next time to kneel on, but quite quickly that bit was overcome (See? It works! :P) by God showing me how He is working even in these young children, such that they can pray with sincerity even when you think they aren't approaching God with the right amount of solemnity. Two or three prayers particularly caught me:
"Please cure my grandma from diabetes."
"Please cure my brother from his asthma, and help it not to be long-term."
"Thank You for protecting my sister when she was in Japan because I know it's cold there now."
Dear Lord... Forgive me for looking down on these Your children. I know they are Primary Four and likely to be more aware of things going on around them, but like many other adults I have discounted their ability to trust in You, to have strong and fervent faith in You. And now You have proven me wrong. Lord, help me continue to treat them like partners in this marathon of faith, not as beings who need to be coddled and spoon-fed and treated like spiritual blank slates. They need guidance Lord, but so do I and in fact I think I might need more guidance than them... And there is so much I can learn from them. Forgive me for not seeing this before Lord (or at least seeing it, but not really absorbing it into my attitude towards them).
Sometimes I find it amazing how much deeper God touches me in DK Worship than in Contemporary Service :P Thank You God for using Edmond wisely in drawing us to You.
Robin (or was it? I think it was Robin) was the Prayer Leader today, and he asked us to turn to two passages. I found these verses particularly insightful:
Ephesians 4
v29: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
v30: And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
v31: Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Ephesians 5
v1: Therefore be followers of God as dear children.
v2: And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.
Actually the verses immediately after that were very good reminders too. But I decided to stop here because if I went on I would be listing all the verses in Ephesians :P
I quite like it when Reverend Kang preaches :) I pray that God will continue to give us good stewards of the Word like him.
The main point of the Bible passage (Matthew 18:21-35) was that we need mercy from God, and we need to show mercy to one another. I won't go into the details of the analogy used to signify the unpayable debt we owe, because that information is probably easily available :P But one point struck me: the fellow slaves saw that the slave who had been shown mercy did not show mercy to his fellow slave, and they were distressed and reported to their lord. This reminded me that if we see any similar injustice, it is probably also our duty to report to our Lord... He already knows it because He knows everything, but in praying and lifting up to Him injustices that "distress" us, we will be comforted that God is both just and merciful, all at once, and He will punish and save according to what He deems right.
Rev Kang's main point was that there are two faces of mercy we can use to ask if we are showing mercy: forgiveness and kindness. What struck me was when he said "Kindness in your judgement on others", because often when we think of kindness we think of acts of charity like giving money to poor people etc. But there are so many other ways to be kind, too. And judging others is most certainly one way that people are usually least kind. I must really be on the lookout for this myself.
(His story of the boy's tears was rather sad. I almost teared myself. Sounds like something one could write into a song... [Kinda like Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tree eh? :P])
Interesting story he shared about William Gladstone too. Not going to reproduce it here because I'm not sure of all the details, but it is a very inspiring example of how one can be warm and forgiving even in the midst of public embarrassment, which is something rather hard for me to imagine -- public embarrassment is one of my greatest fears. (I had a rather bad nightmare this morning about me going back to MGS and experiencing quite a bit of bad public embarrassment. Gahhh not to think about it.)
Two things Rev Kang said before Holy Communion also caught me:
"This is not a table for those who are righteous. If you think you don't deserve to come, then the table is for you." -->Highlighting, of course, how much we need God's mercy.
"Put God's gift of mercy into your mouth and in your life." -->I ALWAYS wondered what eating the bread and wine had to do with receiving God's forgiveness in the form of Jesus Christ. Now it makes much more sense to me. :)
So much, so much to think about. Hope that I will be able to be thinking about these insights God brings into my life as I go about my everyday activities... Perhaps this is what it means to "meditate on the word" at all times, after all. As in, not the words themselves, but the meaning and the lessons behind them.
How could You have given me
Such sweet and steadfast love?
More than what the world could see
Much more than I deserve.
My main take-away point in YAF: God Sees Our Heart.
Today was a day that I was struck with many little thoughts. I list them down here (so as not to kill my LJ friends' pages, again :P).
In DK Worship, we sang this song and it's one of my favourites because it always, always echoes the cry of me heart and reminds me to let myself be drawn to Him...
Draw me nearer to You
Nearer to You
Fill my life with Your presence
The way You want to
'Til my soul is ablaze
Each and every day
Draw me nearer
Nearer to You
There was an announcement about the Dolous (did I spell that right?) ship coming to Singapore next two weekends and the kids seemed pretty excited about visiting. I myself am rather interested, but gahhh schedules. At any rate it's amazing, because this ship is a travelling Christian bookstore whose crew sometimes does inland missions as well. Dawny has been on Logos, the sister ship, before. But this one was apparently built two years before the Titanic and is still in running condition... Making it like the oldest surviving ship ever built, I believe. All the kids were asking how it could possibly last so long, and the adults were giggling about it being due to GPS -- God's Protection System :P I do love DK service.
We did the Holy Communion ritual before going down to the sanctuary, and there were a couple of phrases that caught my mind then -- and I was reminded of them again later when I took Holy Communion in Contemporary Service too. (Ever since young, I've been very aware of the possibility of confusing "Contemp" with "contempt", and so I never really like to say "Contemp Service"... :P)
"Free us for joyful obedience" reminds me alot of my friend Cheryl from New Creation, and how she quoted the verse about "there is now no condemnation" at just the right time I needed to hear it. Yes, we need to be reminded that we are sinners and need God's grace... but God also means for us to be "freed for joyful obedience", not grudging work. Joyful obedience! I'll have to try to apply that to my studies, Lord... :S
"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord" reminds me of Shu May :) I'm sure it reminds me of a few other people as well, but she comes to mind most easily because she recently commented on my blog about how it's so much easier to connect with people when you know they are Christians as well. And I find it to be so true... "blessed are those who come in the name of the Lord".
Instead of class today, we had prayer... The cynical bit of me expected the usual "bless my parents" kinda prayers as usual, and was considering bringing a bigger mat next time to kneel on, but quite quickly that bit was overcome (See? It works! :P) by God showing me how He is working even in these young children, such that they can pray with sincerity even when you think they aren't approaching God with the right amount of solemnity. Two or three prayers particularly caught me:
"Please cure my grandma from diabetes."
"Please cure my brother from his asthma, and help it not to be long-term."
"Thank You for protecting my sister when she was in Japan because I know it's cold there now."
Dear Lord... Forgive me for looking down on these Your children. I know they are Primary Four and likely to be more aware of things going on around them, but like many other adults I have discounted their ability to trust in You, to have strong and fervent faith in You. And now You have proven me wrong. Lord, help me continue to treat them like partners in this marathon of faith, not as beings who need to be coddled and spoon-fed and treated like spiritual blank slates. They need guidance Lord, but so do I and in fact I think I might need more guidance than them... And there is so much I can learn from them. Forgive me for not seeing this before Lord (or at least seeing it, but not really absorbing it into my attitude towards them).
Sometimes I find it amazing how much deeper God touches me in DK Worship than in Contemporary Service :P Thank You God for using Edmond wisely in drawing us to You.
Robin (or was it? I think it was Robin) was the Prayer Leader today, and he asked us to turn to two passages. I found these verses particularly insightful:
Ephesians 4
v29: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
v30: And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
v31: Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
Ephesians 5
v1: Therefore be followers of God as dear children.
v2: And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.
Actually the verses immediately after that were very good reminders too. But I decided to stop here because if I went on I would be listing all the verses in Ephesians :P
I quite like it when Reverend Kang preaches :) I pray that God will continue to give us good stewards of the Word like him.
The main point of the Bible passage (Matthew 18:21-35) was that we need mercy from God, and we need to show mercy to one another. I won't go into the details of the analogy used to signify the unpayable debt we owe, because that information is probably easily available :P But one point struck me: the fellow slaves saw that the slave who had been shown mercy did not show mercy to his fellow slave, and they were distressed and reported to their lord. This reminded me that if we see any similar injustice, it is probably also our duty to report to our Lord... He already knows it because He knows everything, but in praying and lifting up to Him injustices that "distress" us, we will be comforted that God is both just and merciful, all at once, and He will punish and save according to what He deems right.
Rev Kang's main point was that there are two faces of mercy we can use to ask if we are showing mercy: forgiveness and kindness. What struck me was when he said "Kindness in your judgement on others", because often when we think of kindness we think of acts of charity like giving money to poor people etc. But there are so many other ways to be kind, too. And judging others is most certainly one way that people are usually least kind. I must really be on the lookout for this myself.
(His story of the boy's tears was rather sad. I almost teared myself. Sounds like something one could write into a song... [Kinda like Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tree eh? :P])
Interesting story he shared about William Gladstone too. Not going to reproduce it here because I'm not sure of all the details, but it is a very inspiring example of how one can be warm and forgiving even in the midst of public embarrassment, which is something rather hard for me to imagine -- public embarrassment is one of my greatest fears. (I had a rather bad nightmare this morning about me going back to MGS and experiencing quite a bit of bad public embarrassment. Gahhh not to think about it.)
Two things Rev Kang said before Holy Communion also caught me:
"This is not a table for those who are righteous. If you think you don't deserve to come, then the table is for you." -->Highlighting, of course, how much we need God's mercy.
"Put God's gift of mercy into your mouth and in your life." -->I ALWAYS wondered what eating the bread and wine had to do with receiving God's forgiveness in the form of Jesus Christ. Now it makes much more sense to me. :)
So much, so much to think about. Hope that I will be able to be thinking about these insights God brings into my life as I go about my everyday activities... Perhaps this is what it means to "meditate on the word" at all times, after all. As in, not the words themselves, but the meaning and the lessons behind them.
How could You have given me
Such sweet and steadfast love?
More than what the world could see
Much more than I deserve.
Still Waiting
Still praying for God to show me whether He's speaking to me through my mum... Or speaking to my mum through me. *Sigh*
Must not be obsessed. >.< Must pray for discipline!
As shared in YAF today (and will be elaborated later), must let God take over my every thought, my every battle of the thought.
FOCUS.
Must not be obsessed. >.< Must pray for discipline!
As shared in YAF today (and will be elaborated later), must let God take over my every thought, my every battle of the thought.
FOCUS.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Peace Of My Mind :P
You know how in Christian literature, they often talk about having Shalom, that deep abiding peace from God that is present even in the most troubled times? The thing about it is that I've never really been sure whether I feel it. For sure, I don't feel calm and sure and stable all the time... There are times, even long periods of time, when I feel almost shaken to the core, almost beaten to the ground.
But as the song goes:
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
And in that case, I do know that I experience peace in bad times, not because I go through them calmly and with equanamity, but because no matter how pained and abandoned and crushed I feel, I know that in the end God will take me through. Whether He lifts me out or carries me through or lets me walk through it but never leaves my side, He will be with me all the way. And that is what I think peace really describes, the security of that knowledge even if your heart trembles with fear and your soul cries deep rending tears. Even if you think "God, you seem so far away", you know that He is there and He cares for you. And that is much more precious than any fake stability that anything on earth can give you. :)
Yesterday I was happy, but it was that kind of tense, binding happiness where you can't believe you're happy, you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking that it can't last. But when God had sorted things out and there's stuff to look forward to and duties to fulfil in the meantime, I could finally relax and say I was content, and at peace. The closest I can describe it is: Imagine you've picked up a $1000 note that doesn't belong to anybody (and, in the pattern of primary school compositions, you've taken it to the police station and been told that you can keep it. :P) and of course you're ecstatic. You put it in your wallet and all day long you are walking around thinking of the $1000 note in your wallet, being happy but being so anxious that your wallet might get stolen, or the note might fall out when you take out your wallet to buy something, or the police station might find the owner and call you up to return it or something. You're happy, but tense. But then at the end of the day you go to the bank and you deposit the note into your bank account and then you start thinking, "What should I do with this unexpected windfall? How can I give back to God the blessings He has given me?" and then you start planning to set up a fund for poor children in your country, and you set up a timeframe and a plan of how to go about it... You have something to DO with that money now. And that's contentment and peace. :) (At least according to my story :P)
Yesterday's CG was good, we just had a time of worship, sharing and prayer. Couple of songs God seemed to be pointing in my direction that day, I'll just list their titles: "Times of Refreshing" and "Still". "Lead me to the cross" also seemed to call out to me, and when Kumuthan read out Psalm 91 I couldn't help remembering the Children's Ministry theme song of the same name. :)
I will dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High
I will stay in the shadow of Your wings
For Lord You are my refuge
My tower of strength
My hope is in You
Secure I stand
You will deliver me
Your truth will be my shield
Jesus You cover me
In Your love no fear prevails
No evil
No terror
No arrow
No plague
Shall ever come near me
For You are my safety
My hiding place
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in You.
During sharing, Adeline shared a part of Elizabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity". (I want to get that book sometime :P) She wrote that when she and Jim Elliot (that famous missionary who was killed by cannibals and whose widow later ministered to them and the whole tribe converted -- I think) first confessed their feelings for each other, Jim said he couldn't commit because God might call him away to missions. Sure enough, He did, and Elizabeth spent the time waiting, praying that God would take away her feelings for Jim because it hurt so much and she didn't even know if it would amount to anything in the end. (Don't forget in those days, mission work was very dangerous and one could get killed while on missions -- so the uncertainty was much more amplified too.) But God rewarded their faithfulness and after 5 years they were finally reunited, and eventually married. I thought that was such a beautiful story of two faithful people and one ever-faithful God :)
And of course it's always edifying to pray in a group... even if it's about something as strange as shoes ;P
One thing I love about songs is that their meaning (or at least, their personal application to your life) changes when the context that you sing them in changes. One of the reasons why I often advocate ambiguity :) I think ambiguity leaves room for God to work in.
Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You tell me who I am
I am Yours
But as the song goes:
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
And in that case, I do know that I experience peace in bad times, not because I go through them calmly and with equanamity, but because no matter how pained and abandoned and crushed I feel, I know that in the end God will take me through. Whether He lifts me out or carries me through or lets me walk through it but never leaves my side, He will be with me all the way. And that is what I think peace really describes, the security of that knowledge even if your heart trembles with fear and your soul cries deep rending tears. Even if you think "God, you seem so far away", you know that He is there and He cares for you. And that is much more precious than any fake stability that anything on earth can give you. :)
Yesterday I was happy, but it was that kind of tense, binding happiness where you can't believe you're happy, you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking that it can't last. But when God had sorted things out and there's stuff to look forward to and duties to fulfil in the meantime, I could finally relax and say I was content, and at peace. The closest I can describe it is: Imagine you've picked up a $1000 note that doesn't belong to anybody (and, in the pattern of primary school compositions, you've taken it to the police station and been told that you can keep it. :P) and of course you're ecstatic. You put it in your wallet and all day long you are walking around thinking of the $1000 note in your wallet, being happy but being so anxious that your wallet might get stolen, or the note might fall out when you take out your wallet to buy something, or the police station might find the owner and call you up to return it or something. You're happy, but tense. But then at the end of the day you go to the bank and you deposit the note into your bank account and then you start thinking, "What should I do with this unexpected windfall? How can I give back to God the blessings He has given me?" and then you start planning to set up a fund for poor children in your country, and you set up a timeframe and a plan of how to go about it... You have something to DO with that money now. And that's contentment and peace. :) (At least according to my story :P)
Yesterday's CG was good, we just had a time of worship, sharing and prayer. Couple of songs God seemed to be pointing in my direction that day, I'll just list their titles: "Times of Refreshing" and "Still". "Lead me to the cross" also seemed to call out to me, and when Kumuthan read out Psalm 91 I couldn't help remembering the Children's Ministry theme song of the same name. :)
I will dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High
I will stay in the shadow of Your wings
For Lord You are my refuge
My tower of strength
My hope is in You
Secure I stand
You will deliver me
Your truth will be my shield
Jesus You cover me
In Your love no fear prevails
No evil
No terror
No arrow
No plague
Shall ever come near me
For You are my safety
My hiding place
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in You.
During sharing, Adeline shared a part of Elizabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity". (I want to get that book sometime :P) She wrote that when she and Jim Elliot (that famous missionary who was killed by cannibals and whose widow later ministered to them and the whole tribe converted -- I think) first confessed their feelings for each other, Jim said he couldn't commit because God might call him away to missions. Sure enough, He did, and Elizabeth spent the time waiting, praying that God would take away her feelings for Jim because it hurt so much and she didn't even know if it would amount to anything in the end. (Don't forget in those days, mission work was very dangerous and one could get killed while on missions -- so the uncertainty was much more amplified too.) But God rewarded their faithfulness and after 5 years they were finally reunited, and eventually married. I thought that was such a beautiful story of two faithful people and one ever-faithful God :)
And of course it's always edifying to pray in a group... even if it's about something as strange as shoes ;P
One thing I love about songs is that their meaning (or at least, their personal application to your life) changes when the context that you sing them in changes. One of the reasons why I often advocate ambiguity :) I think ambiguity leaves room for God to work in.
Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You tell me who I am
I am Yours
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What A Difference A Spot Of Sunshine Makes :)
Oh, I know there will be trials
And rocky roads to face
And times when all we can do
Is lean upon God's grace
We might have to face mountains
And many a choppy sea
But knowing that someone is there
Is quite enough for me. :)
And rocky roads to face
And times when all we can do
Is lean upon God's grace
We might have to face mountains
And many a choppy sea
But knowing that someone is there
Is quite enough for me. :)
It Takes Time
Dear God, what have I done... I cared for him too much to keep silent but I needn't have gone that extra mile, either. Once again, my desire to know has undone me.
Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mum and the outcome of it is, "It's not the right time." And you know what? I think I can accept that... if only I knew whether:
1) He really does reciprocate (unlike the many other times when it has been one-way, and I always feel like those are my fault. Is it wrong of me to be overly affectionate? Why do I always feel an implicit accusation that it's my fault I care so easily for people? I don't know, another question to be answered by God.)
2) This is really the right path for us at all.
And I guess to me that is really the most important question, the question I've been praying over and over again for the past couple of months. The only thing Mum could say when I asked her, "How do you know??" is "It takes time."
And I can appreciate it taking time. I don't even think it's wise to rush things considering how much farther there is to go. But is there even anything there for me to wait for? Or is God trying to tell me "You're just good friends"??
I did think this morning that I wanted to settle it today, because I said a little too much and now it's like i'm running away from it. But all the wise advice points to this big sign --> WAIT. Yes, I can see how it most probably isn't the right time. (Another example of my stubborness; nobody except God can convince me, I swear. Well, maybe he can. I don't know if he's ever tried.) But dear God, will there ever be a right time at all, for this particular person? Or should I really save us both the trouble and just stay away from him, hoping to starve whatever feeling I have for him?
I'm just avoiding the middle road, aren't I? Yes, the middle road of not saying a word, but just waiting for God to bring things to happen, either to let it fade away or to grow. Of not trying to do things by myself. Of Waiting On The Lord, For Heaven's Sake!! (So much for taking my own advice >.<)
I was going to post the lyrics of the hymn "Take My Life, And Let It Be" here as a reminder of what I should strive for, but re-reading my words made me laugh at an alternative version of a well-known song that I came up with some time ago. I know it's mildly disrespectful to the original writers, but I find it true too. :P
It takes time to wait upon the Lord
It takes time to listen to His voice
Unless the Lord builds the house
We labour in vain
'Coz it takes time to wait upon the Lord.
Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mum and the outcome of it is, "It's not the right time." And you know what? I think I can accept that... if only I knew whether:
1) He really does reciprocate (unlike the many other times when it has been one-way, and I always feel like those are my fault. Is it wrong of me to be overly affectionate? Why do I always feel an implicit accusation that it's my fault I care so easily for people? I don't know, another question to be answered by God.)
2) This is really the right path for us at all.
And I guess to me that is really the most important question, the question I've been praying over and over again for the past couple of months. The only thing Mum could say when I asked her, "How do you know??" is "It takes time."
And I can appreciate it taking time. I don't even think it's wise to rush things considering how much farther there is to go. But is there even anything there for me to wait for? Or is God trying to tell me "You're just good friends"??
I did think this morning that I wanted to settle it today, because I said a little too much and now it's like i'm running away from it. But all the wise advice points to this big sign --> WAIT. Yes, I can see how it most probably isn't the right time. (Another example of my stubborness; nobody except God can convince me, I swear. Well, maybe he can. I don't know if he's ever tried.) But dear God, will there ever be a right time at all, for this particular person? Or should I really save us both the trouble and just stay away from him, hoping to starve whatever feeling I have for him?
I'm just avoiding the middle road, aren't I? Yes, the middle road of not saying a word, but just waiting for God to bring things to happen, either to let it fade away or to grow. Of not trying to do things by myself. Of Waiting On The Lord, For Heaven's Sake!! (So much for taking my own advice >.<)
I was going to post the lyrics of the hymn "Take My Life, And Let It Be" here as a reminder of what I should strive for, but re-reading my words made me laugh at an alternative version of a well-known song that I came up with some time ago. I know it's mildly disrespectful to the original writers, but I find it true too. :P
It takes time to wait upon the Lord
It takes time to listen to His voice
Unless the Lord builds the house
We labour in vain
'Coz it takes time to wait upon the Lord.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
And You Know
It is for the best.
Stupid girl, why did you even start this in the first place? Looking back now, you know you chose to walk down a dodgy path even though you didn't know it would be quite so dodgy then. But on hindsight, you had a choice, no matter how small or inconsequential it seemed, you made that choice, and now you just have to face the consequences.
The least you can do now is pray.
The most you can do now is keep away.
AND STAY AWAY... from him.
Stupid. Little. Girl.
(There's a reason why I call myself a woolly-headed lamb.)
Lambs are always playing all day in books, but this lamb has work to do. (Maybe she will try to be PRAYing all day instead? :P) And she will depend on God for strength and discipline.
And she WILL stop doing dodgy debatable things. Gahhh.
Stupid girl, why did you even start this in the first place? Looking back now, you know you chose to walk down a dodgy path even though you didn't know it would be quite so dodgy then. But on hindsight, you had a choice, no matter how small or inconsequential it seemed, you made that choice, and now you just have to face the consequences.
The least you can do now is pray.
The most you can do now is keep away.
AND STAY AWAY... from him.
Stupid. Little. Girl.
(There's a reason why I call myself a woolly-headed lamb.)
Lambs are always playing all day in books, but this lamb has work to do. (Maybe she will try to be PRAYing all day instead? :P) And she will depend on God for strength and discipline.
And she WILL stop doing dodgy debatable things. Gahhh.
Pride Comes Before A Fall
This is what pride can do.
So much for asking "Is he spiritually mature enough for me?" Now I find myself asking "Am I spiritually mature enough for him?" And increasingly I find the answer is "No"...
One year (or thereabouts) of talking to him, and I make myself into a simpering fool. That's not even as long as our difference in ages. How could I have thought that I had what it takes? What could I have been thinking??
How wise You are, O Lord... and how wise You have made him.
Help me to be obedient to Your will, Lord. And teach me what to do now so that I will not drag him down in his spiritual walk.
And most of all Lord, help me not to be jealous of his hunger for You, of Your closeness to him. Oh, I know I shouldn't even be jealous in the first place, but You know how this flesh of ours creeps up and assails us from behind when we're not looking... Dear God, I need You to put Your hand on my heart and help me refocus on You and You alone. :S
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
This is what I am now.
I want to be this:
Oh God I'm so needy, needy
Oh God I'm in need of You
Lord, help me:
Fix my eyes on You Jesus
As I run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith
It's always a struggle, Lord, but I know I am not alone.
Joshua 1:5 "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
[Later edit: It comes to mind that perhaps one of the reasons I admire him so much is because he is like my Mum in terms of being a faithful lover of God, ever so faithful a servant of Him. And as I have often bemoaned before, I am not enough like my Mum. Oh well.]
So much for asking "Is he spiritually mature enough for me?" Now I find myself asking "Am I spiritually mature enough for him?" And increasingly I find the answer is "No"...
One year (or thereabouts) of talking to him, and I make myself into a simpering fool. That's not even as long as our difference in ages. How could I have thought that I had what it takes? What could I have been thinking??
How wise You are, O Lord... and how wise You have made him.
Help me to be obedient to Your will, Lord. And teach me what to do now so that I will not drag him down in his spiritual walk.
And most of all Lord, help me not to be jealous of his hunger for You, of Your closeness to him. Oh, I know I shouldn't even be jealous in the first place, but You know how this flesh of ours creeps up and assails us from behind when we're not looking... Dear God, I need You to put Your hand on my heart and help me refocus on You and You alone. :S
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
This is what I am now.
I want to be this:
Oh God I'm so needy, needy
Oh God I'm in need of You
Lord, help me:
Fix my eyes on You Jesus
As I run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith
It's always a struggle, Lord, but I know I am not alone.
Joshua 1:5 "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
[Later edit: It comes to mind that perhaps one of the reasons I admire him so much is because he is like my Mum in terms of being a faithful lover of God, ever so faithful a servant of Him. And as I have often bemoaned before, I am not enough like my Mum. Oh well.]
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Once Again
Over and over again, I find peace in God's presence :)
Managed to put aside last night's frustrations and focus on worshipping God during DK Worship this morning, for which I am devoutly thankful to God Himself :P (Btw, I love how the kids are really taking to Hallelujah To The Lamb. It's generally considered one of the more complicated songs, but they picked it up so quickly and always sing the "hallelujah" part so enthusiastically, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes :') Indeed it is true that "out of the mouths of babes and infants, You have ordained praise"...) Later though when Randall, Abigail and Abigil (I keep wanting to stick an A into her name :P) had left and I was sitting by myself just under the keyboard (if you've never been in DK Worship, you wouldn't understand this :P), those ponderings came back and assailed me again. At that time, Amos (I keep wanting to call him Uncle Amos but he explained the last time how that made him feel old -- I get this alot from adults now that I'm supposedly one myself :P) was telling the story of the olive oil that filled up all the pots and pans in the house and he was doing a pretty good job of it too! I can tell all the kids enjoyed it and I wasn't sure the adults weren't having a ball of a time too :P I was only just able to keep my mind on the lesson, all the time pleading with God in my heart: "God, You know what's going on in my heart and what I am facing... What am I supposed to do that will be pleasing to You? What's in Your plan for me? And how will I know? Give me an answer... How am I supposed to live for You if I don't know what it means in this situation? Please give me an answer..." It helped that in my position I could see the huge cross in the chapel and be quite close to it, so I glanced up at it every now and then to reassure myself that God was listening to me, that He was THERE. That went on more or less until the story ended and Amos switched on the computer to show a slide that said...
"Psalm 34:10 ...those who seek the Lord will lack no good thing."
I don't know why, but it just seemed like God's answer to me somehow, even though at that time I hadn't fully thought out how it was His answer to me. But it just kept running on and on through my mind as Jennifer (almost Aunty Jennifer -- gahhh!) shared Wajiyah's story, and I kept staring at the cross (which was easier now because Jennifer was using the projector so it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention or anything) and I gradually became aware that the knots inside of me were slowly being unwound, not like physically but really in terms of emotions, I just felt myself begin to relax under God's warming influence... And somehow the story just served to impress the lesson further upon my heart.
Basically what she shared was how God took care of Wajiyah, this missionary lady from our church. Wajiyah first came to Singapore from Indonesia many years ago to work as a maid (the more politically-correct term is domestic helper. But in the local context, "maid" is more widely recognisable) and her employer happened to be Mrs Sonya (Sonia?) Cheong, mother of one of the DK teachers. Sonya treated her maid very well and even asked her what her ambitions were, and Wajiyah indicated that she would like to learn English. So Sonya taught her English, and as part of the lessons she taught her to read the Bible as well. As a result, Wajiyah became a Christian from believing what she read in the Bible.
After her contract expired, Wajiyah expressed a desire to serve God in Indonesia, but didn't know how to go about it. Sonya helped her contact a missionary in Indonesia named Dr Tan Kok Boon (I think) and asked what she should do. Dr Tan advised her to go to the Bible College in Lawang, which would give her 4 years of theological training. But Wajiyah wanted to know what would happen after that, where would she be able to serve God with her training? Dr Tan didn't know either, but he said he would pray about it.
As the 4 years went by, Dr Tan kept receiving phone calls from Indonesians who wanted to learn how to be missionaries -- but they didn't know English, and so they needed to be taught in Bahasa Indonesia. But he didn't know of any such school they could go to, so all he could do was take down their contacts and tell them he would pray about it. He had an idea that perhaps Batam would be a good place to set up something, but he had no concrete plans beyond that. Various other people prayed and prayed with him, but nobody seemed to have any idea what to do.
Finally the 4 years were drawing to a close, and Wajiyah called up Dr Tan, saying that she would be graduating soon and asking if he knew where she was going to go after her studies. She had not lost faith in God's providence all this time. Dr Tan could only tell her that he did not know as yet.
One day soon after that conversation, Dr Tan received a phone call from a woman who said she was going to donate a house. Dr Tan was delighted: "That's wonderful! Where is the house?" The reply came: Batam. It was God's answer to their prayers! :)
So Wajiyah finished her studies, and she and Dr Tan set up a Bible School in Batam with the (big, bungalow) house that the woman had donated, teaching all the Indonesians who wanted to be missionaries. Not only that, but when two other houseowners in that neighbourhood discovered what they were doing, they donated their houses too! So now the missionaries had THREE houses, and besides a Bible School they set up a kindergarten as well, and another centre whose purpose I've forgotten :P But that story was just amazing.
After that, Jennifer talked about how God loves to make jigsaw puzzles and bring all these separate pieces (Wajiyah, Mrs Sonya Cheong, Dr Tan, the Indonesians, the houseowners) together to form one beautiful picture (Wajiyah's ministry, providing the Indonesians with a Bible School). And as she did so, I was ruminating on the story by myself (still staring at the cross). The take-home point for the whole session was that God works miracles in our lives each and every day, and we only have to look out for them to recognise them. ("Take a look at the ordinary / don't need to look for paradise" :P) But through thinking about the verse and what it means to me, I came to this conclusion:
"With or without a partner, I will run this race. I'll walk Your path for me; I will seek Your face!"
As in marathons (or so I've heard; not much of an athlete myself :P), if you have a running partner you can actually be motivated to run faster and further because the both of you are providing each other company along the arduous, tedious route and spurring each other on to the end. But that doesn't mean that if you don't have a partner you will deflate and sink to the ground; you can still finish the race by simply continuing to give of your best, and striving on for the goal! And you will be no less rewarded by God :) (In fact, some theories have it that if you have a partner the journey becomes even more arduous instead. But I don't know anything about this so I shut up :P)
And I repeat again the verse that brought this home to me :)
Psalm 34:10 "...But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."
(Interestingly, God has been pointing me to Psalm 34 quite frequently in recent times. I think I will "test God" by waiting awhile to see if He points me back to another part of it again before I post it up in whole ;P)
And yes, that's one of the reasons why I didn't go for Contemporary Worship today. I felt more or less like I had attended a full service already, which is what Edmond always intended for the Children's Ministry anyway :) Besides which, I had an essay to rush that I'm still rushing :(
Totally unconnected song, but what the heck :D
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy, and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life
Managed to put aside last night's frustrations and focus on worshipping God during DK Worship this morning, for which I am devoutly thankful to God Himself :P (Btw, I love how the kids are really taking to Hallelujah To The Lamb. It's generally considered one of the more complicated songs, but they picked it up so quickly and always sing the "hallelujah" part so enthusiastically, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes :') Indeed it is true that "out of the mouths of babes and infants, You have ordained praise"...) Later though when Randall, Abigail and Abigil (I keep wanting to stick an A into her name :P) had left and I was sitting by myself just under the keyboard (if you've never been in DK Worship, you wouldn't understand this :P), those ponderings came back and assailed me again. At that time, Amos (I keep wanting to call him Uncle Amos but he explained the last time how that made him feel old -- I get this alot from adults now that I'm supposedly one myself :P) was telling the story of the olive oil that filled up all the pots and pans in the house and he was doing a pretty good job of it too! I can tell all the kids enjoyed it and I wasn't sure the adults weren't having a ball of a time too :P I was only just able to keep my mind on the lesson, all the time pleading with God in my heart: "God, You know what's going on in my heart and what I am facing... What am I supposed to do that will be pleasing to You? What's in Your plan for me? And how will I know? Give me an answer... How am I supposed to live for You if I don't know what it means in this situation? Please give me an answer..." It helped that in my position I could see the huge cross in the chapel and be quite close to it, so I glanced up at it every now and then to reassure myself that God was listening to me, that He was THERE. That went on more or less until the story ended and Amos switched on the computer to show a slide that said...
"Psalm 34:10 ...those who seek the Lord will lack no good thing."
I don't know why, but it just seemed like God's answer to me somehow, even though at that time I hadn't fully thought out how it was His answer to me. But it just kept running on and on through my mind as Jennifer (almost Aunty Jennifer -- gahhh!) shared Wajiyah's story, and I kept staring at the cross (which was easier now because Jennifer was using the projector so it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention or anything) and I gradually became aware that the knots inside of me were slowly being unwound, not like physically but really in terms of emotions, I just felt myself begin to relax under God's warming influence... And somehow the story just served to impress the lesson further upon my heart.
Basically what she shared was how God took care of Wajiyah, this missionary lady from our church. Wajiyah first came to Singapore from Indonesia many years ago to work as a maid (the more politically-correct term is domestic helper. But in the local context, "maid" is more widely recognisable) and her employer happened to be Mrs Sonya (Sonia?) Cheong, mother of one of the DK teachers. Sonya treated her maid very well and even asked her what her ambitions were, and Wajiyah indicated that she would like to learn English. So Sonya taught her English, and as part of the lessons she taught her to read the Bible as well. As a result, Wajiyah became a Christian from believing what she read in the Bible.
After her contract expired, Wajiyah expressed a desire to serve God in Indonesia, but didn't know how to go about it. Sonya helped her contact a missionary in Indonesia named Dr Tan Kok Boon (I think) and asked what she should do. Dr Tan advised her to go to the Bible College in Lawang, which would give her 4 years of theological training. But Wajiyah wanted to know what would happen after that, where would she be able to serve God with her training? Dr Tan didn't know either, but he said he would pray about it.
As the 4 years went by, Dr Tan kept receiving phone calls from Indonesians who wanted to learn how to be missionaries -- but they didn't know English, and so they needed to be taught in Bahasa Indonesia. But he didn't know of any such school they could go to, so all he could do was take down their contacts and tell them he would pray about it. He had an idea that perhaps Batam would be a good place to set up something, but he had no concrete plans beyond that. Various other people prayed and prayed with him, but nobody seemed to have any idea what to do.
Finally the 4 years were drawing to a close, and Wajiyah called up Dr Tan, saying that she would be graduating soon and asking if he knew where she was going to go after her studies. She had not lost faith in God's providence all this time. Dr Tan could only tell her that he did not know as yet.
One day soon after that conversation, Dr Tan received a phone call from a woman who said she was going to donate a house. Dr Tan was delighted: "That's wonderful! Where is the house?" The reply came: Batam. It was God's answer to their prayers! :)
So Wajiyah finished her studies, and she and Dr Tan set up a Bible School in Batam with the (big, bungalow) house that the woman had donated, teaching all the Indonesians who wanted to be missionaries. Not only that, but when two other houseowners in that neighbourhood discovered what they were doing, they donated their houses too! So now the missionaries had THREE houses, and besides a Bible School they set up a kindergarten as well, and another centre whose purpose I've forgotten :P But that story was just amazing.
After that, Jennifer talked about how God loves to make jigsaw puzzles and bring all these separate pieces (Wajiyah, Mrs Sonya Cheong, Dr Tan, the Indonesians, the houseowners) together to form one beautiful picture (Wajiyah's ministry, providing the Indonesians with a Bible School). And as she did so, I was ruminating on the story by myself (still staring at the cross). The take-home point for the whole session was that God works miracles in our lives each and every day, and we only have to look out for them to recognise them. ("Take a look at the ordinary / don't need to look for paradise" :P) But through thinking about the verse and what it means to me, I came to this conclusion:
"With or without a partner, I will run this race. I'll walk Your path for me; I will seek Your face!"
As in marathons (or so I've heard; not much of an athlete myself :P), if you have a running partner you can actually be motivated to run faster and further because the both of you are providing each other company along the arduous, tedious route and spurring each other on to the end. But that doesn't mean that if you don't have a partner you will deflate and sink to the ground; you can still finish the race by simply continuing to give of your best, and striving on for the goal! And you will be no less rewarded by God :) (In fact, some theories have it that if you have a partner the journey becomes even more arduous instead. But I don't know anything about this so I shut up :P)
And I repeat again the verse that brought this home to me :)
Psalm 34:10 "...But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."
(Interestingly, God has been pointing me to Psalm 34 quite frequently in recent times. I think I will "test God" by waiting awhile to see if He points me back to another part of it again before I post it up in whole ;P)
And yes, that's one of the reasons why I didn't go for Contemporary Worship today. I felt more or less like I had attended a full service already, which is what Edmond always intended for the Children's Ministry anyway :) Besides which, I had an essay to rush that I'm still rushing :(
Totally unconnected song, but what the heck :D
And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy, and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life
*Deep Breath*
I must calm down.
I must not do rash things.
Dear God, I don't know if You were trying to speak through my brother. (Lord, You know how I feel about my brother speaking to me. :P Help me not be biased Lord...) I don't know if he was highlighting to me something that I ought to change, or rein back, or is natural and oughtn't to be interfered with because it comes from You.
I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day...
No expectations, remember?
Dear God, I'm very bad at following my own advice :'( Please help me, Lord.
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Maybe I should stop.
What's the name of the game
Does it mean anything to you
It's not a game, it's never a game, I've never treated it as a game, but it's a game all the same... (That Rhymes :D) It's a game because it doesn't mean anything to everybody else. It's a game because I must always keep it hidden, all the time. It's a game because I never know, never will know (although this is debatable), don't want to know but want to know all at the same time. I want to know because I don't want it to be a game. I don't want to know because I'm so afraid of the deep hurt it brings. So uncertainty, or heartbreak? The Devil and the deep blue sea. (Actually, I rather like blue... and the sea [or more specifically the beach]. But I meant that phrase metaphorically :P)
And they called it Puppy Love
Just because we're in our teens
Well, I'm not in my teens anymore, and frankly that only confuses me further. Since I'm not in my teens anymore, does that mean I won't experience Puppy Love, only the Real Thing? Or does it have more to do with the quality, the maturity of the relationship itself?
And in that case, what does it say about me if somebody thinks I am experiencing "Puppy Love"?
Sorry... I'm being too self-centred again. "Me me me" I can start singing Sound Of Music at this rate :P
It's just that it looks like it's shaping up to be another "me versus the family" issues. And my track record on those have not been good recently.
Dear Lord, please speak to me. Because I need guidance pretty badly, and I think I need it quite soon before I pass the point of very-difficult-to-return.
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord...
God, You rock!!! You are greater than any issues or challenges I might face :)
There is no problem too big
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
He cannot move it
There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my sister that He will carry you
He said "Come unto Me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest"(X2)
I must not do rash things.
Dear God, I don't know if You were trying to speak through my brother. (Lord, You know how I feel about my brother speaking to me. :P Help me not be biased Lord...) I don't know if he was highlighting to me something that I ought to change, or rein back, or is natural and oughtn't to be interfered with because it comes from You.
I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day...
No expectations, remember?
Dear God, I'm very bad at following my own advice :'( Please help me, Lord.
Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Maybe I should stop.
What's the name of the game
Does it mean anything to you
It's not a game, it's never a game, I've never treated it as a game, but it's a game all the same... (That Rhymes :D) It's a game because it doesn't mean anything to everybody else. It's a game because I must always keep it hidden, all the time. It's a game because I never know, never will know (although this is debatable), don't want to know but want to know all at the same time. I want to know because I don't want it to be a game. I don't want to know because I'm so afraid of the deep hurt it brings. So uncertainty, or heartbreak? The Devil and the deep blue sea. (Actually, I rather like blue... and the sea [or more specifically the beach]. But I meant that phrase metaphorically :P)
And they called it Puppy Love
Just because we're in our teens
Well, I'm not in my teens anymore, and frankly that only confuses me further. Since I'm not in my teens anymore, does that mean I won't experience Puppy Love, only the Real Thing? Or does it have more to do with the quality, the maturity of the relationship itself?
And in that case, what does it say about me if somebody thinks I am experiencing "Puppy Love"?
Sorry... I'm being too self-centred again. "Me me me" I can start singing Sound Of Music at this rate :P
It's just that it looks like it's shaping up to be another "me versus the family" issues. And my track record on those have not been good recently.
Dear Lord, please speak to me. Because I need guidance pretty badly, and I think I need it quite soon before I pass the point of very-difficult-to-return.
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord...
God, You rock!!! You are greater than any issues or challenges I might face :)
There is no problem too big
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
He cannot move it
There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my sister that He will carry you
He said "Come unto Me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest"(X2)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Unexpectantly
It always bugs me to bits when people say "unexpectantly" when they really mean "unexpectedly"... So I decided to use it for my title :P (No, I don't make sense. Was that a surprise? :P) According to my own non-logic, my next title really ought to be "irregardless". Bah.
Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.
(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)
Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.
(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)
Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.
Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)
Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)
Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:
I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead
Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand
Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.
Refrain
I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
Refrain
(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)
Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.
(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)
Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.
(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)
Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.
Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)
Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)
Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:
I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead
Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand
Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.
Refrain
I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
Refrain
(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)
Monday, October 23, 2006
Morning Musings (okay afternoon really but who cares :D)
Okay I deleted THAT post too :P I'm fickle. Nah, anyway it was too much an angsty tantrum thrown by an ungrateful sleepy child.
Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!
And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.
Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.
The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?
[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]
That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:
Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.
"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D
God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine
What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!
Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.
Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.
A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"
Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!
And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.
Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.
The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?
[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]
That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:
Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.
"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D
God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine
What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!
Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.
Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.
A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"
Saturday, October 21, 2006
The Tempest
Heh. Blog or no blog, I STILL end up inundating my LJ friends with posts. :P
This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S
Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)
Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.
The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"
So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"
And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)
3 things caught me in the sharing:
"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."
The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')
Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river
This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S
Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)
Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.
The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"
So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"
And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)
3 things caught me in the sharing:
"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."
The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')
Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river
Friday, October 20, 2006
Wishy-Washy Hint Hint Stuff :P
I broke my half my resolve again! :(
Oh well. Better this half than the other half.
Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...
How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.
Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.
And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.
Oh well. Better this half than the other half.
Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...
How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.
Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.
And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Today, I found peace in QT again :) (read LJ for more)
Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)
What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)
You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore
Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)
What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)
You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore
Monday, October 16, 2006
Who's In Control?
I have only just realised my own controlling behaviour -- or at least, the desire to control things. I wonder if it stems from the frustration of being unable to control my own procrastinating behaviour and hence, I try to control other things in my environment? I do apologise if you're one of the people I have been taking it out on lately. Father, help me remember it is Your ministry and not my own...
Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.
Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)
The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!
What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.
Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)
Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)
Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord
Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.
So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)
This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)
Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!
And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
Had a taste lately? ;)
To remind myself:
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You
Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.
Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)
The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!
What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.
Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)
Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)
Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord
Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.
So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)
This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)
Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!
And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
Had a taste lately? ;)
To remind myself:
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You
Monday, October 09, 2006
Virtually Dangerous
Is Computer Mediated Communication (CMC) really the root of all my emotional problems??
I hate to agree with Mum, but it looks like it's true... the past 3 "e-problems" have been strongly linked to the use of CMC -- things like online chat and blogging. Bah.
But a little voice inside me cries: "Don't shoot the (MSN)messenger!" It's not the channels of communication but rather my own tendency to jump to conclusions and imagine things that aren't there. In the oft-repeated words of Mum and Dad, I'm simply too "emotional" and must learn to be "rational and disciplined". No quarrels with that, only I don't know how to do that and still retain a heart.
Maybe, in the world of grown-ups, one doesn't NEED a heart -- only brains and pair of hardworking hands. Hearts are, perhaps, useless because of their tendency to make one vulnerable and weak. Personally, I don't buy that because God spoke first to my heart and then my brain, and I don't take that lightly at all. Without emotions, are human beings really human at all?
Without a brain, can human beings in today's world maintain their existence as human beings?
Even my brain is treacherous nowadays. Maybe another reason why I've never thought it possible to separate one's brain from one's heart is the fact that they are inseparably linked. He appeared in my dreams last night... something about doing homework with a whole bunch of other people but he was there. And if dreams are not from the brain, a lot of scientific research out there is wrong.
That's when I knew I'd really got it bad, like last time. And more and more I'm beginning to realise there's really nobody I can turn to for help, or even to cry my heart out to. Dangerous to approach guys (the same kind of danger that got me into this mess) and there are very few girls I feel comfortable enough confiding in; those that I'm comfortable with are too busy or in another country. (Darned globalisation effects.) And sometimes all you really want is a big, real, warm hug instead of a virtual *HuGz!!*
Mum says I'm just having PMS; well, perhaps I am. I need to pray that I will stop being so affected by it.
Last night I thought a scary thought: "I'm so tired of being human, of having to try." I didn't go beyond that but it's still scary because I've never thought to that point before. I pray that I will never go beyond that...
Father, draw me near
near to where You are
hold me in Your arms of love
for I long to be with You
take me deeper, draw me nearer
Spirit bring me to the arms of the Father
fill me with unending desire
each day I live to worship You
Lord, help me live like I mean that song...
I hate to agree with Mum, but it looks like it's true... the past 3 "e-problems" have been strongly linked to the use of CMC -- things like online chat and blogging. Bah.
But a little voice inside me cries: "Don't shoot the (MSN)messenger!" It's not the channels of communication but rather my own tendency to jump to conclusions and imagine things that aren't there. In the oft-repeated words of Mum and Dad, I'm simply too "emotional" and must learn to be "rational and disciplined". No quarrels with that, only I don't know how to do that and still retain a heart.
Maybe, in the world of grown-ups, one doesn't NEED a heart -- only brains and pair of hardworking hands. Hearts are, perhaps, useless because of their tendency to make one vulnerable and weak. Personally, I don't buy that because God spoke first to my heart and then my brain, and I don't take that lightly at all. Without emotions, are human beings really human at all?
Without a brain, can human beings in today's world maintain their existence as human beings?
Even my brain is treacherous nowadays. Maybe another reason why I've never thought it possible to separate one's brain from one's heart is the fact that they are inseparably linked. He appeared in my dreams last night... something about doing homework with a whole bunch of other people but he was there. And if dreams are not from the brain, a lot of scientific research out there is wrong.
That's when I knew I'd really got it bad, like last time. And more and more I'm beginning to realise there's really nobody I can turn to for help, or even to cry my heart out to. Dangerous to approach guys (the same kind of danger that got me into this mess) and there are very few girls I feel comfortable enough confiding in; those that I'm comfortable with are too busy or in another country. (Darned globalisation effects.) And sometimes all you really want is a big, real, warm hug instead of a virtual *HuGz!!*
Mum says I'm just having PMS; well, perhaps I am. I need to pray that I will stop being so affected by it.
Last night I thought a scary thought: "I'm so tired of being human, of having to try." I didn't go beyond that but it's still scary because I've never thought to that point before. I pray that I will never go beyond that...
Father, draw me near
near to where You are
hold me in Your arms of love
for I long to be with You
take me deeper, draw me nearer
Spirit bring me to the arms of the Father
fill me with unending desire
each day I live to worship You
Lord, help me live like I mean that song...
If I Got What I Wanted
I would find it a very bitter fruit to swallow.
Better to not have than to foolishly do what I know to be wrong.
Better to not have than to foolishly do what I know to be wrong.