Horrified

Yesterday, I realised in horror:

If anyone were to read through my past posts, they would get a very inaccurate view of what was going on in my life.

Yes, there was doubt and fear and uncertainty and hurt.

But there were the times of reassurance, refreshment, renewal... Of beauty and of love. Those were the times that made up most of my experiences, but I lived them or wrote them in my (offline) diary instead of here.

It is horrifying to think that those posts could have given a very skewed idea of how I really felt.

I was tempted to take down those posts, or hide them, but I think that would be dishonest.

I really, really wish I had never posted them, or had posted the subsequent events to those postings.

I'm sorry.

I will try to do better next time.

(Please, allow me a next time.)

Stop it.

Maybe, this is what he thinks of me.

That I've degenerated into this.
That this is all I'm capable of.

So you know what?

I'm going offshore.

This book is going to be closed again.

If I ever come back
(a sudden wrench)
It will be for what I originally intended it.

But I'm not ready yet.

Love never fails

Hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts

Love never gives up.
It's not the end (yet).

Struggling not to let the fear overpower me
Not yet, at least.

I need Thee, every hour.

Manifesto

Oddly, my resolve is strengthened.
Ironically, I don't know if that will push you away.

I don't know if you are in the frame of mind right now that ANYTHING I do/say will push you away.
Because maybe you've already decided our fate and this prolonging it is against your will.

If so, then just let me know.
It will hurt, but I don't want to hurt you too.
And I don't want to hold you back if you want to be free.

And maybe, after all, I don't need you to have all the answers.
I just want to be sure you're not doing this out of emotions alone
Because if you do,
We'll both be hurt bad
And we'll both find it really hard to trust anybody again.
(In fact, I'm not sure I can after this.)

But, please...
Don't hurt me just because you don't want to face your demons.
God is with you, and
I never shied away from facing them with you.

3-second answer

"Please keep my hand from the blade."

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I sought the Lord, He heard me and delivered me from my fears.
If I can't take one day at a time,
One hour at a time,
Surely I can take one minute at a time.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Job honoured God, you can too.
Breathe in, breathe out.

God is good, all the time
Even when I don't feel that way.

Dying inside

And how do I stop these tears
And how do I keep from panicking
And how do I break this chain of always
Wanting to self-destruct?

I'm not ok
But I can't tell you that because
That would be adding pressure to you
And you're already not ok.

But these words, they hurt
And echo
And echo
And echo
And echo
And echo and they won't shut off.

And it drives me crazy
But I can't tell you that either
And I can't tell you how it hurt
Over weeks.

Weeks.
How stupid.
How can 3 weeks make me so weak
I'm supposed to lean on Him,
Supposed to be strong
But I have had to struggle to be strong for too long

I'm breaking down.

God, help me.
Please keep my hand from the blade.

What does it feel like?

Like I've just committed harikiri.*

Now, more than ever, I want to go home.

*I won't.

Precious Lord, Take My Hand

Yesterday, the ball dropped.
We picked it up and hung it back on the hook.
Now to see if God will let it drop again.

Either way, rebuilding will be needed.
Either way, healing will be needed.
Either way, I need to learn to sleep again.

Maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
~Corrinne May, Everything in its time

I need Thee every hour, O precious Lord

What origin, this intense jealousy?

Be still, my heart.  

(Like a foolish child, I learn 
Of how impulse can burn.)

In Christ Alone

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand

Dear Lord, what a lot has changed since I last wrote. I read these posts full of woe, full of insecurity, so full of my own pain but forgetting to look at my Healer. Though I am not yet fully healed, yet I know You have placed me on the road to Your eternal healing.

Grant that all those who stumble on this humble post may find their way to You, O Lord. :)