It always bugs me to bits when people say "unexpectantly" when they really mean "unexpectedly"... So I decided to use it for my title :P (No, I don't make sense. Was that a surprise? :P) According to my own non-logic, my next title really ought to be "irregardless". Bah.
Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.
(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)
Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.
(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)
Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.
Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)
Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)
Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:
I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead
Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand
Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.
Refrain
I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.
Refrain
(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Morning Musings (okay afternoon really but who cares :D)
Okay I deleted THAT post too :P I'm fickle. Nah, anyway it was too much an angsty tantrum thrown by an ungrateful sleepy child.
Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!
And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.
Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.
The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?
[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]
That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:
Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.
"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D
God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine
What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!
Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.
Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.
A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"
Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!
And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.
Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.
The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?
[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]
That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:
Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.
"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D
God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine
What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!
Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.
Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.
A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"