*cries*
Father, hold me...
Saturday, October 21, 2006
The Tempest
Heh. Blog or no blog, I STILL end up inundating my LJ friends with posts. :P
This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S
Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)
Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.
The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"
So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"
And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)
3 things caught me in the sharing:
"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."
The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')
Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river
This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S
Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)
Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.
The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"
So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"
And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)
3 things caught me in the sharing:
"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."
The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')
Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river
Friday, October 20, 2006
Wishy-Washy Hint Hint Stuff :P
I broke my half my resolve again! :(
Oh well. Better this half than the other half.
Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...
How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.
Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.
And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.
Oh well. Better this half than the other half.
Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...
How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.
Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.
And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Today, I found peace in QT again :) (read LJ for more)
Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)
What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)
You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore
Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)
What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)
You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical
Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it
There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way
Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken
What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore
Monday, October 16, 2006
Who's In Control?
I have only just realised my own controlling behaviour -- or at least, the desire to control things. I wonder if it stems from the frustration of being unable to control my own procrastinating behaviour and hence, I try to control other things in my environment? I do apologise if you're one of the people I have been taking it out on lately. Father, help me remember it is Your ministry and not my own...
Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.
Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)
The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!
What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.
Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)
Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)
Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord
Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.
So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)
This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)
Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!
And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
Had a taste lately? ;)
To remind myself:
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You
Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.
Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)
The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!
What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.
Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)
Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)
Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:
At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord
Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.
So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)
This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)
Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!
And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
Had a taste lately? ;)
To remind myself:
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You