i think red is truly a happy colour. i have been wearing as much red as possible the whole of todae n everybody who sees it seems happy. (happy)
but i guess it's truly God's doing. after that talk wif my mum, n reading 4 consecutive days of daily bread, i'm almost convinced to dump the other quiet time material i was doing coz it didn't seem to help me at all n only made me more aware of how much more i had to do, while daily bread just totally helped me to see it all, cleared my mind and everything... but at the same time i shouldn't be so complacent so i guess i'll keep reading that harder one, only i'll read daily bread at the same time too so i won't be too stressed out every day.
tmr is reorganising day. i'm hoping to get lots of things done. which reminds me that if i wanna do so, i gotta go sleep now. but i must state this on my blog first so that i don't chicken out of it later. TMR IS REORGANISING DAY.
g'nite :)
Friday, January 23, 2004
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Cried in the car...
... and scared my family to death. particularly my bro since he was arguing wif me over some small thing a few moments b4 that. but it wasn't him, really it wasn't, it was just my feelings taking over me again. must be PMS.
then again i don't think it's all that unjustified. i was so happy tonight, u know? we'd had reunion dinner wif my mum's family and the company was good and the food was plentiful and boy, you shoulda seen the scallops -- BIG. yeah, i was happy. then we came home and i had a nice time wif my parents; doing the yearly "bao hong bao" before the first day of visiting... and arranging sweets and all that. all cheery and full of fun, logged on to check mail and wish pple happy lunar new year (after sending countless sms that is) and *boom* i get hit again.
why does this happen? i thought i had enough to deal with already. i mean yeah, first time i get the msg, u know? i'll work on it, just leave me some time to try... i mean maybe you wanna remind me but really some things cld be said nicely u know? i just felt totally struck down and silenced once more... i couldn't say anything last time and it really isn't going to help if you do this again you know.
i mean i know i shouldn't take this so personally, there's truth in it and besides i suppose you're doing it for the edification of the whole group but there's just sth niggling there that doesn't sit right with me and it's messing up my whole emotional balance and i struggle to sleep each night. do you know that? do you mean to cause that? i like to think you don't, but sometimes bare words can seem more cutting than they actually are. this is getting me so down, and sometimes i wonder if i should just step back, step away, but i can't because God put me there and who am i to question if He's right? i just have to keep working at it i guess. just do my job even though i've lost that blush of enthusiasm for it. it's a responsibility; i guess it doesn't have to be a pleasure as well. but oh, how i wish things were different!
then again, it must be as that speaker at FT said: "The first mark of being a Christian is love. The second is suffering." yeah i guess if i look at it that way i can grit my teeth and bear it somehow. it won't be easy but i've told myself from the beginning that i'm such a small, insignificant person, with such small ability for this role, that i have to trust God in everything and let HIM shine through... let HIM lead. and now i just have to believe that. i've always had problems with the fear of God -- because i always viewed Him as a friendly entity, and it never occurred to me that He IS God, and He is great, and it is only out of the goodness of His heart that He treats us like children, like His friends... i need to learn that awe of Him all over again. and i guess this could be one of the ways that i'm learning it.
but this is a really hard lesson, and i just wish i could sleep at night. you're not alone Dawn when you say you wish you could sleep. it's escapist to say i don't want to think about it, but i can't do much even if i DO think about it... i mean there's nothing that i have to say to the group right now, at least nothing that is impt and can be condensed. i'm not even confirmed yet; not yet a full member of the church. sometimes i really feel like the most inferior, the most immature in the whole group, and i'm taking on this huge role??? and i want to ask God why but it's so disrespectful to. i'm just so messed up and confused here. God... please give me strength!
i don't even dare to reply anymore. i don't even dare to talk on forums anymore. i'm drawing into myself, and i don't like it, i really don't. am i doing the right thing? is there something else i should be doing? should i react in one way or another? i don't know, God! i'm just so lost and hurt and confused. and i shouldn't be, but that doesn't change the fact that i am. i just don't know how to deal with this; i wish i did dear God...
i'm crying now, and it's horrible. i don't look very palatable even at the best of times, and this is not one of them. how can i be happy tmr? i hope i can be happy tmr. it's not very nice to show "a black face" as my mum wld say, at other pple's houses. i want to be polite and friendly and caring, but how do i do that when i'm not even sure what kind of a person i am, i'm not even sure if everybody hates me for talking too much when there is absolutely no need for doing so???
there, i've said it. yes, i talk too much. i've always wielded the fact like a shield when anybody showed the slightest sign of irritation, and i suppose it's "all coming back to me now" and i find my shield has cracked and can't protect me anymore. i do talk too much, i do, i do. and i SHOULD cut down, yes i should i should. but dear me, it feels like i'm pulling off an arm and a leg and it HURTS... it really does like deep chest pain hurt not just the "oh i'm so hurt that i'm not a perfect person" kindof hurt. i just don't like being plain and uninteresting. i don't know if that's me. maybe that kindof thing SUITS me. you know, no frills, just direct and straight to the point. i mean, i'll be ever so much more efficient and get much more things done. but i wouldn't enjoy it as much. but was my enjoyment ever supposed to be accounted for in the first place?
times like this i realise how much i really live for myself and not for God. if my life were truly God-centred i don't think i'll be having all these vacillations. human flesh and pride; worldly thoughts and ideals. but i always thought becoming like Christ was a long lifetime process, and some pple go faster and some go slower and those that go slower do so coz they can't handle so much at one time. and i thought i was one of those pple. but am i? maybe i'm just lazy. maybe this is prodding me, telling me to hurry it up. is it? dear God, i don't know...
i guess end of the day there's just one thing i can stick to, and it's this: "Whatever you do, do it as to the Lord, and not as to Man" (i'm sure i've misquoted this verse but i really have no clue as to where in the Bible it might be; new testament maybe?) basically the idea that Man can say what they want but ultimately it is God who will judge what is right. and although some men may speak the words of God and provide needed admonishment, there are times when all you can do is ask God to show you the right thing and then do it and never mind what they say. i guess i have to learn to do that this time. i just pray that God will help me to succeed.
and just to cheer everybody up a bit: Happy Lunar New Year to all out there (if there's any) :)
then again i don't think it's all that unjustified. i was so happy tonight, u know? we'd had reunion dinner wif my mum's family and the company was good and the food was plentiful and boy, you shoulda seen the scallops -- BIG. yeah, i was happy. then we came home and i had a nice time wif my parents; doing the yearly "bao hong bao" before the first day of visiting... and arranging sweets and all that. all cheery and full of fun, logged on to check mail and wish pple happy lunar new year (after sending countless sms that is) and *boom* i get hit again.
why does this happen? i thought i had enough to deal with already. i mean yeah, first time i get the msg, u know? i'll work on it, just leave me some time to try... i mean maybe you wanna remind me but really some things cld be said nicely u know? i just felt totally struck down and silenced once more... i couldn't say anything last time and it really isn't going to help if you do this again you know.
i mean i know i shouldn't take this so personally, there's truth in it and besides i suppose you're doing it for the edification of the whole group but there's just sth niggling there that doesn't sit right with me and it's messing up my whole emotional balance and i struggle to sleep each night. do you know that? do you mean to cause that? i like to think you don't, but sometimes bare words can seem more cutting than they actually are. this is getting me so down, and sometimes i wonder if i should just step back, step away, but i can't because God put me there and who am i to question if He's right? i just have to keep working at it i guess. just do my job even though i've lost that blush of enthusiasm for it. it's a responsibility; i guess it doesn't have to be a pleasure as well. but oh, how i wish things were different!
then again, it must be as that speaker at FT said: "The first mark of being a Christian is love. The second is suffering." yeah i guess if i look at it that way i can grit my teeth and bear it somehow. it won't be easy but i've told myself from the beginning that i'm such a small, insignificant person, with such small ability for this role, that i have to trust God in everything and let HIM shine through... let HIM lead. and now i just have to believe that. i've always had problems with the fear of God -- because i always viewed Him as a friendly entity, and it never occurred to me that He IS God, and He is great, and it is only out of the goodness of His heart that He treats us like children, like His friends... i need to learn that awe of Him all over again. and i guess this could be one of the ways that i'm learning it.
but this is a really hard lesson, and i just wish i could sleep at night. you're not alone Dawn when you say you wish you could sleep. it's escapist to say i don't want to think about it, but i can't do much even if i DO think about it... i mean there's nothing that i have to say to the group right now, at least nothing that is impt and can be condensed. i'm not even confirmed yet; not yet a full member of the church. sometimes i really feel like the most inferior, the most immature in the whole group, and i'm taking on this huge role??? and i want to ask God why but it's so disrespectful to. i'm just so messed up and confused here. God... please give me strength!
i don't even dare to reply anymore. i don't even dare to talk on forums anymore. i'm drawing into myself, and i don't like it, i really don't. am i doing the right thing? is there something else i should be doing? should i react in one way or another? i don't know, God! i'm just so lost and hurt and confused. and i shouldn't be, but that doesn't change the fact that i am. i just don't know how to deal with this; i wish i did dear God...
i'm crying now, and it's horrible. i don't look very palatable even at the best of times, and this is not one of them. how can i be happy tmr? i hope i can be happy tmr. it's not very nice to show "a black face" as my mum wld say, at other pple's houses. i want to be polite and friendly and caring, but how do i do that when i'm not even sure what kind of a person i am, i'm not even sure if everybody hates me for talking too much when there is absolutely no need for doing so???
there, i've said it. yes, i talk too much. i've always wielded the fact like a shield when anybody showed the slightest sign of irritation, and i suppose it's "all coming back to me now" and i find my shield has cracked and can't protect me anymore. i do talk too much, i do, i do. and i SHOULD cut down, yes i should i should. but dear me, it feels like i'm pulling off an arm and a leg and it HURTS... it really does like deep chest pain hurt not just the "oh i'm so hurt that i'm not a perfect person" kindof hurt. i just don't like being plain and uninteresting. i don't know if that's me. maybe that kindof thing SUITS me. you know, no frills, just direct and straight to the point. i mean, i'll be ever so much more efficient and get much more things done. but i wouldn't enjoy it as much. but was my enjoyment ever supposed to be accounted for in the first place?
times like this i realise how much i really live for myself and not for God. if my life were truly God-centred i don't think i'll be having all these vacillations. human flesh and pride; worldly thoughts and ideals. but i always thought becoming like Christ was a long lifetime process, and some pple go faster and some go slower and those that go slower do so coz they can't handle so much at one time. and i thought i was one of those pple. but am i? maybe i'm just lazy. maybe this is prodding me, telling me to hurry it up. is it? dear God, i don't know...
i guess end of the day there's just one thing i can stick to, and it's this: "Whatever you do, do it as to the Lord, and not as to Man" (i'm sure i've misquoted this verse but i really have no clue as to where in the Bible it might be; new testament maybe?) basically the idea that Man can say what they want but ultimately it is God who will judge what is right. and although some men may speak the words of God and provide needed admonishment, there are times when all you can do is ask God to show you the right thing and then do it and never mind what they say. i guess i have to learn to do that this time. i just pray that God will help me to succeed.
and just to cheer everybody up a bit: Happy Lunar New Year to all out there (if there's any) :)
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Still troubled
i don't know why, but i'm still troubled over something that happened recently. i know i shouldn't, but that doesn't stop me from feeling doubtful of myself all the time and wondering if i can really make it as a leader. i didn't ask for this -- never did, but it came my way and God saw to it that everything fell into place, and now i'm just hyperworrying that everything's gonna fall apart. i shouldn't, really. i think i need help.
it must be my pride acting up again. i've always thought (for long periods of time, at least) that i hadn't any, but at times like this the ugly beast rears its head and i'm looking all too disgustedly at myself behaving like a little kid. 5 mins ago mum added onto that by coming into my room and complained that i (along wif my dad and bro) never moved without being pushed and how tired she was pushing us to do this and that all along (for example, changing our bedsheets and so forth). i could see where she was coming frm, but at the same time i felt so bone-tired about everything i had to do, and i really didn't know how to respond so i said nothing. i've been doing that an awful lot nowadays. maybe this is good. maybe this is training me to shut up more. my tongue (and in certain cases, my fingers) has run away with me more than once and i've always told myself i'd be careful what i say from now on. so maybe this is practice.
i don't know, and i've got to go now. but i'm still troubled. i wish i weren't.
it must be my pride acting up again. i've always thought (for long periods of time, at least) that i hadn't any, but at times like this the ugly beast rears its head and i'm looking all too disgustedly at myself behaving like a little kid. 5 mins ago mum added onto that by coming into my room and complained that i (along wif my dad and bro) never moved without being pushed and how tired she was pushing us to do this and that all along (for example, changing our bedsheets and so forth). i could see where she was coming frm, but at the same time i felt so bone-tired about everything i had to do, and i really didn't know how to respond so i said nothing. i've been doing that an awful lot nowadays. maybe this is good. maybe this is training me to shut up more. my tongue (and in certain cases, my fingers) has run away with me more than once and i've always told myself i'd be careful what i say from now on. so maybe this is practice.
i don't know, and i've got to go now. but i'm still troubled. i wish i weren't.
Late night again
i told myself i was gonna do this but i think my brain's gonna give up on me anytime soon.
at any rate today was a good day... i think. FT was awesome, the speaker really spoke to issues i was dealing with and i'm having a struggle with myself all over again. angela also told me some really gd stuff i need to think over about how to be a Christian and an artist at the same time and not compromise either... totally changed my pt of view and i shld really go thank her. think i'll find her email add tmr and send her a msg. but as for the info itself... i need to allocate one day to really sit down and deal with this; i'm thinking tmr wld be a gd day to start but i hope the stuff i have to do doesn't take over everything like it usually does.
so much to do
musical
homework
organising
artsradar
other writing
deardear there is so much to do. it isn't very early now either and i have a 10am class. sleep grace sleep!!!
at any rate today was a good day... i think. FT was awesome, the speaker really spoke to issues i was dealing with and i'm having a struggle with myself all over again. angela also told me some really gd stuff i need to think over about how to be a Christian and an artist at the same time and not compromise either... totally changed my pt of view and i shld really go thank her. think i'll find her email add tmr and send her a msg. but as for the info itself... i need to allocate one day to really sit down and deal with this; i'm thinking tmr wld be a gd day to start but i hope the stuff i have to do doesn't take over everything like it usually does.
so much to do
musical
homework
organising
artsradar
other writing
deardear there is so much to do. it isn't very early now either and i have a 10am class. sleep grace sleep!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
New year. New blog!
*rereads blog* just realised how LONG ago my last post was... heheh. guess it's time to take this ol' blog out of the dust-pile and shake it up a bit... i wish i knew html tho coz now all i have are the nice boring standard templates... owell at least this one's BLUE *griinz*
well well what shall we make this blog into? actually my purpose for taking this out again is coz i feel kinda bad abt whining and blabbing on everybody else's forum and website except mine. so since i have a blog, might as well use it rite? :)
i have to get a comments page somewhere, and nicer templates. this is gonna take some getting used to. but well at least i can form the impression tt i'm talking to an audience even if i'm not really, see? :P and i can go on and on without tiring all my frens out...
owch i just realised it's like 3.30am. but i'm not sleepy. mum knows why. guess i won't type it here (some things you just don't tell everyone, u know?) but suffice it to say i was quite down, and ended up wasting my time playing online games to cheer myself up. (ok, so maybe that was an excuse. it's such a bad excuse that it proves i was/am perturbed, right? :P) i think it might be coming to that time of the month again, which is why i have to cry.
oh yeah i still need to get used to this crying thing... i mean sometimes i really can't see what i have to cry about you know? i have this wonderful life, wonderful home, family, privileges, talents all, but every now and then i "get the blues" as they say and i really have to cry and so i pick the silliest things in the world (usually) to cry over... it could get embarrassing over time. but now it's just silly. i wonder: does this mean that it's really impossible for a person who hasn't experienced certain kinds of suffering to ever really appreciate life in its full beauty? i mean yeah i know that there are pple dying of hunger and starvation, pple dying of dirt and disease, pple dying of being tired of living and so forth, but i still eat lavish meals (sometimes), still grumble that i don't have a perfect figure (actually this happens only when i go shopping, which is why i dislike shopping. then again it happens when i go swimming too, but i LIKE swimming. hmm. but i digress), and still whine that my life is so boring. boring?!?!?! when i have so many things to do?? but yeah, boring. i dunno.
i just want to write. i just want to sit in a huge library and read books all day, and write all night, and never venture out into the world to get hurt or scorned at or put down or disregarded. or judged. i know everybody says you can't write very much or very good stuff if you don't experience life in its entirety but maybe i can write good one-dimensional books. i don't know. i want to connect with people, but i don't want to connect with people. and sometimes i feel horrible because i feel like i'm only interacting with people coz i want to find out what life is like so that i can write. everything's about writing. i want to write. this is bad.
and this is really really bad considering i shouldn't be letting writing take over my life. passion, fair enough, but i really shouldn't forget my First Love -- God. i know i'm tremendously indebted to Him and He's my Lord and Creator but lately i've been feeling unmovable. i mean, shouldn't i be loving Him and deeply in love with Him all the time? i sing the songs but sometimes i wonder if i mean them like i should, or i'm just doing vocal cord exercise. it's a horrid, horrid feeling: like you want to love someone so, so much and to show that love and really appreciate them but sometimes you just forget and after that you get really really guilty... i hope it doesn't last. i like it when i was a kid, when i knew nothing complicating and all i felt was this deep sense of peace and security coz i knew God would take care of me no matter what. now that i've a mind of my own it keeps interfering and every day becomes instead a struggle, or rather a teetering between what's right and what's wrong... sometimes it's just what's right and what's not-so-right. somebody told me before (i think it was michael) that i was such an uptight person coz i was always balancing on the line btwn good and bad, always afraid of falling, but he (was it a he?) said maybe sometimes it's not bad to fall... you just pick yourself up again. but i don't know what i'm falling into; i don't know if it's a nice soft bed or an endless abyss, a bed of thorns or rippling stream, so i don't dare to fall just in case some unforseeable circumstance denies me the chance to get back up again. i've seen so many of my friends spiral downwards and downwards into muck and mire, and i don't want it to happen anymore please God... i want to save them all but i don't know if they'll want to be saved. i can't reach them with my short weak arms; God, please reach out and hold them! don't just touch them, hold them... and let them know that they are loved, that it's not to late to stop yourself falling, that You will still love them please God...
but sometimes pple kindof like the muck and mire. oh of course they would be happy to be saved, washed and dressed in clean white linen, but while they're in muck and mire they decide to enjoy it while they can; after all, everybody else is in some sortof muck aniwei!! then they wallow, and dig themselves in, and decide it's cooler down there than up there, and besides you have lower to fall... that sorta thing. i guess it's easier to just lie down and wait for someone to save you, than to be up there on the tight wire doing the balancing act.
but the show must go on. and i need to go and sleep sometime soon. i am waking up, what -- 10am? got class at 12. FT in the evening -- really hope to be revived in spirit and ready to do God's work then. so much is at stake here i really can't be slack at this kinds of things u know? talking about slack i am having difficulty accepting what i'm currently reading as part of my quiet time. i never knew it was so hard to be disciplined. i always thought i was a pretty good Christian; well like they say in Chinese "there's always a mountain higher than the next".
ooh brought the couplet home that i purchased frm the USP... it looks nice and my mum is very pleased with it. she wants me to translate; i can barely read out the words! but they are nice words though. things to do with nature -- very pretty.
so much more to say haha. can't imagine why i neglected my blog til now. this is therapeutic, of a sort. now the only debate left is whether or not i actually want to let my friends read this... *hmm on one hand it would be nice to know one is talking to actual PEOPLE out there but on the other hand not everything is addressing to a person sometimes i talk to myself or to God but then again if i have a blog and don't show it to anyone then i'll just go back to the forums coz i need human response and that would just irritate everybody again...* i'll decide tomorrow. this is a way too long blog. but it is MY blog and i'm talkative. haha. i am wondering how this is supposed to help me shut up in real life (looks like it might work the other way instead) but it is too late to think Serious Things and so i think i'll just shuttup, and go to sleep. g'nite world~
well well what shall we make this blog into? actually my purpose for taking this out again is coz i feel kinda bad abt whining and blabbing on everybody else's forum and website except mine. so since i have a blog, might as well use it rite? :)
i have to get a comments page somewhere, and nicer templates. this is gonna take some getting used to. but well at least i can form the impression tt i'm talking to an audience even if i'm not really, see? :P and i can go on and on without tiring all my frens out...
owch i just realised it's like 3.30am. but i'm not sleepy. mum knows why. guess i won't type it here (some things you just don't tell everyone, u know?) but suffice it to say i was quite down, and ended up wasting my time playing online games to cheer myself up. (ok, so maybe that was an excuse. it's such a bad excuse that it proves i was/am perturbed, right? :P) i think it might be coming to that time of the month again, which is why i have to cry.
oh yeah i still need to get used to this crying thing... i mean sometimes i really can't see what i have to cry about you know? i have this wonderful life, wonderful home, family, privileges, talents all, but every now and then i "get the blues" as they say and i really have to cry and so i pick the silliest things in the world (usually) to cry over... it could get embarrassing over time. but now it's just silly. i wonder: does this mean that it's really impossible for a person who hasn't experienced certain kinds of suffering to ever really appreciate life in its full beauty? i mean yeah i know that there are pple dying of hunger and starvation, pple dying of dirt and disease, pple dying of being tired of living and so forth, but i still eat lavish meals (sometimes), still grumble that i don't have a perfect figure (actually this happens only when i go shopping, which is why i dislike shopping. then again it happens when i go swimming too, but i LIKE swimming. hmm. but i digress), and still whine that my life is so boring. boring?!?!?! when i have so many things to do?? but yeah, boring. i dunno.
i just want to write. i just want to sit in a huge library and read books all day, and write all night, and never venture out into the world to get hurt or scorned at or put down or disregarded. or judged. i know everybody says you can't write very much or very good stuff if you don't experience life in its entirety but maybe i can write good one-dimensional books. i don't know. i want to connect with people, but i don't want to connect with people. and sometimes i feel horrible because i feel like i'm only interacting with people coz i want to find out what life is like so that i can write. everything's about writing. i want to write. this is bad.
and this is really really bad considering i shouldn't be letting writing take over my life. passion, fair enough, but i really shouldn't forget my First Love -- God. i know i'm tremendously indebted to Him and He's my Lord and Creator but lately i've been feeling unmovable. i mean, shouldn't i be loving Him and deeply in love with Him all the time? i sing the songs but sometimes i wonder if i mean them like i should, or i'm just doing vocal cord exercise. it's a horrid, horrid feeling: like you want to love someone so, so much and to show that love and really appreciate them but sometimes you just forget and after that you get really really guilty... i hope it doesn't last. i like it when i was a kid, when i knew nothing complicating and all i felt was this deep sense of peace and security coz i knew God would take care of me no matter what. now that i've a mind of my own it keeps interfering and every day becomes instead a struggle, or rather a teetering between what's right and what's wrong... sometimes it's just what's right and what's not-so-right. somebody told me before (i think it was michael) that i was such an uptight person coz i was always balancing on the line btwn good and bad, always afraid of falling, but he (was it a he?) said maybe sometimes it's not bad to fall... you just pick yourself up again. but i don't know what i'm falling into; i don't know if it's a nice soft bed or an endless abyss, a bed of thorns or rippling stream, so i don't dare to fall just in case some unforseeable circumstance denies me the chance to get back up again. i've seen so many of my friends spiral downwards and downwards into muck and mire, and i don't want it to happen anymore please God... i want to save them all but i don't know if they'll want to be saved. i can't reach them with my short weak arms; God, please reach out and hold them! don't just touch them, hold them... and let them know that they are loved, that it's not to late to stop yourself falling, that You will still love them please God...
but sometimes pple kindof like the muck and mire. oh of course they would be happy to be saved, washed and dressed in clean white linen, but while they're in muck and mire they decide to enjoy it while they can; after all, everybody else is in some sortof muck aniwei!! then they wallow, and dig themselves in, and decide it's cooler down there than up there, and besides you have lower to fall... that sorta thing. i guess it's easier to just lie down and wait for someone to save you, than to be up there on the tight wire doing the balancing act.
but the show must go on. and i need to go and sleep sometime soon. i am waking up, what -- 10am? got class at 12. FT in the evening -- really hope to be revived in spirit and ready to do God's work then. so much is at stake here i really can't be slack at this kinds of things u know? talking about slack i am having difficulty accepting what i'm currently reading as part of my quiet time. i never knew it was so hard to be disciplined. i always thought i was a pretty good Christian; well like they say in Chinese "there's always a mountain higher than the next".
ooh brought the couplet home that i purchased frm the USP... it looks nice and my mum is very pleased with it. she wants me to translate; i can barely read out the words! but they are nice words though. things to do with nature -- very pretty.
so much more to say haha. can't imagine why i neglected my blog til now. this is therapeutic, of a sort. now the only debate left is whether or not i actually want to let my friends read this... *hmm on one hand it would be nice to know one is talking to actual PEOPLE out there but on the other hand not everything is addressing to a person sometimes i talk to myself or to God but then again if i have a blog and don't show it to anyone then i'll just go back to the forums coz i need human response and that would just irritate everybody again...* i'll decide tomorrow. this is a way too long blog. but it is MY blog and i'm talkative. haha. i am wondering how this is supposed to help me shut up in real life (looks like it might work the other way instead) but it is too late to think Serious Things and so i think i'll just shuttup, and go to sleep. g'nite world~