Unexpectantly

It always bugs me to bits when people say "unexpectantly" when they really mean "unexpectedly"... So I decided to use it for my title :P (No, I don't make sense. Was that a surprise? :P) According to my own non-logic, my next title really ought to be "irregardless". Bah.

Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.

(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)

Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.

(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)

Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.

Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)

Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)

Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain

(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)