God answered a prayer of mine most quickly (Thank You, Lord :D) but that means the Dreams are back. Gahh! I'm even having them during naps now, and it's rather tiring...
This afternoon's was somewhat distressing too. It started off well, because I had a vague impression of being with my crush and being very happy, and even bumping into one or two of my ACJC classmates with friendly greetings. Then in between (or was it?) there was a part about helping my parents with something or other... And then I went back to look for those ACJC classmates to tell them this great idea I had for a reunion party/meetup. Was very pleased to see even more classmates turn up and they organised an impromptu gathering right then and there, but I couldn't join them because my parents were waiting for me to go somewhere... So I tried to tell them so, and ask them if they would be open to my idea for the reunion party, but nobody was listening to me except one girl. She asked the rest and nobody seemed to reply me, with only one Christian girl smiling at me without saying anything... And on top of that I had the impression that a few of my classmates were deliberately ignoring me.
Now this is a very hurtful feeling, even in a dream, so I made to go... I wondered if I should tell them I was going but nobody really seemed to care and even people whom I used to be able to talk to in the class were making arrangements to meet up with each other and nobody really bothered about me. And then a sudden rush of memory intruded my dream and I remembered the (real-life) reunion party that I was conveniently forgotten from, and in my dream I walked away briskly to find my parents and could hardly hold back my tears. :'(
Then it became even more distressing as I realised I'd taken longer than I expected and my parents would be fuming by now, so I rushed to the carpark to look for them... and they weren't where they were waiting before. I started worriedly walking around the carpark to try and find them, and I met a church auntie who said my parents were waiting for me in the next row, but before I got to the next row I saw two people who looked exactly like my parents but they were not in our car, instead in a sortof hybrid mini-van vehicle. I walked up to them but they didn't seem to see or recognise me, and made to drive off.
At this point I woke up... But the pain and distress have not yet fully left me. I know in many ways I have had a blessed, sheltered, some would say pampered life, but the pain of being a social outcast is very, very, VERY real, and nobody should ever discount that. :(
But I can't say I haven't been blessed. I've come a long way from my "social outcast" status and last year someone described me as "the life of the party". I'm not blind enough to agree with that, but I will admit that by God's immense grace I've learnt to be socially pliable in certain ways, while still maintaining the principles that got me labelled as an outcast in the first place. I've been given the opportunity to interact with a wide range of people such that I don't have to restrict my choices of friendships, and have been able to gather a good group of people in various areas of my life that I can talk to freely and pleasurably. Most importantly, throughout the years of pain I had wonderful support from my family that always, ALWAYS reminded me I was loved and valued as a person (except for my pimples, but that's another story). And through it all, I thank God for being my Rock and my Redeemer, for wiping my tears when I could no longer hold them back, for leading me to people who matter immeasurably more than I could have ever thought.
Here's to You, God, for taking a loner and making her into an extrovert over a period of 4 years with Your unfailing love. :)
Here's to you, my family, for always being there, always valuing, always encouraging (even in my failed endeavours), always praying with me and for me. :')
Here's to you, Dawny, my loving, laughing, closest friend of 10 years. :)
Here's to you, my love... for finally completing the circle of love God has put in my heart. :')
However, this post doesn't end with me... Having, as I say, a completed circle of love, I must make it my goal ever more to share this overwhelming, overflowing love I've received with others. And with my upcoming graduation, it seems the perfect time to look for a job that would allow me to do that as part of my daily activities. Don't you agree? :)
May your circle of love be complete in God. :)
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