New year. New blog!

*rereads blog* just realised how LONG ago my last post was... heheh. guess it's time to take this ol' blog out of the dust-pile and shake it up a bit... i wish i knew html tho coz now all i have are the nice boring standard templates... owell at least this one's BLUE *griinz*

well well what shall we make this blog into? actually my purpose for taking this out again is coz i feel kinda bad abt whining and blabbing on everybody else's forum and website except mine. so since i have a blog, might as well use it rite? :)

i have to get a comments page somewhere, and nicer templates. this is gonna take some getting used to. but well at least i can form the impression tt i'm talking to an audience even if i'm not really, see? :P and i can go on and on without tiring all my frens out...

owch i just realised it's like 3.30am. but i'm not sleepy. mum knows why. guess i won't type it here (some things you just don't tell everyone, u know?) but suffice it to say i was quite down, and ended up wasting my time playing online games to cheer myself up. (ok, so maybe that was an excuse. it's such a bad excuse that it proves i was/am perturbed, right? :P) i think it might be coming to that time of the month again, which is why i have to cry.

oh yeah i still need to get used to this crying thing... i mean sometimes i really can't see what i have to cry about you know? i have this wonderful life, wonderful home, family, privileges, talents all, but every now and then i "get the blues" as they say and i really have to cry and so i pick the silliest things in the world (usually) to cry over... it could get embarrassing over time. but now it's just silly. i wonder: does this mean that it's really impossible for a person who hasn't experienced certain kinds of suffering to ever really appreciate life in its full beauty? i mean yeah i know that there are pple dying of hunger and starvation, pple dying of dirt and disease, pple dying of being tired of living and so forth, but i still eat lavish meals (sometimes), still grumble that i don't have a perfect figure (actually this happens only when i go shopping, which is why i dislike shopping. then again it happens when i go swimming too, but i LIKE swimming. hmm. but i digress), and still whine that my life is so boring. boring?!?!?! when i have so many things to do?? but yeah, boring. i dunno.

i just want to write. i just want to sit in a huge library and read books all day, and write all night, and never venture out into the world to get hurt or scorned at or put down or disregarded. or judged. i know everybody says you can't write very much or very good stuff if you don't experience life in its entirety but maybe i can write good one-dimensional books. i don't know. i want to connect with people, but i don't want to connect with people. and sometimes i feel horrible because i feel like i'm only interacting with people coz i want to find out what life is like so that i can write. everything's about writing. i want to write. this is bad.

and this is really really bad considering i shouldn't be letting writing take over my life. passion, fair enough, but i really shouldn't forget my First Love -- God. i know i'm tremendously indebted to Him and He's my Lord and Creator but lately i've been feeling unmovable. i mean, shouldn't i be loving Him and deeply in love with Him all the time? i sing the songs but sometimes i wonder if i mean them like i should, or i'm just doing vocal cord exercise. it's a horrid, horrid feeling: like you want to love someone so, so much and to show that love and really appreciate them but sometimes you just forget and after that you get really really guilty... i hope it doesn't last. i like it when i was a kid, when i knew nothing complicating and all i felt was this deep sense of peace and security coz i knew God would take care of me no matter what. now that i've a mind of my own it keeps interfering and every day becomes instead a struggle, or rather a teetering between what's right and what's wrong... sometimes it's just what's right and what's not-so-right. somebody told me before (i think it was michael) that i was such an uptight person coz i was always balancing on the line btwn good and bad, always afraid of falling, but he (was it a he?) said maybe sometimes it's not bad to fall... you just pick yourself up again. but i don't know what i'm falling into; i don't know if it's a nice soft bed or an endless abyss, a bed of thorns or rippling stream, so i don't dare to fall just in case some unforseeable circumstance denies me the chance to get back up again. i've seen so many of my friends spiral downwards and downwards into muck and mire, and i don't want it to happen anymore please God... i want to save them all but i don't know if they'll want to be saved. i can't reach them with my short weak arms; God, please reach out and hold them! don't just touch them, hold them... and let them know that they are loved, that it's not to late to stop yourself falling, that You will still love them please God...

but sometimes pple kindof like the muck and mire. oh of course they would be happy to be saved, washed and dressed in clean white linen, but while they're in muck and mire they decide to enjoy it while they can; after all, everybody else is in some sortof muck aniwei!! then they wallow, and dig themselves in, and decide it's cooler down there than up there, and besides you have lower to fall... that sorta thing. i guess it's easier to just lie down and wait for someone to save you, than to be up there on the tight wire doing the balancing act.

but the show must go on. and i need to go and sleep sometime soon. i am waking up, what -- 10am? got class at 12. FT in the evening -- really hope to be revived in spirit and ready to do God's work then. so much is at stake here i really can't be slack at this kinds of things u know? talking about slack i am having difficulty accepting what i'm currently reading as part of my quiet time. i never knew it was so hard to be disciplined. i always thought i was a pretty good Christian; well like they say in Chinese "there's always a mountain higher than the next".

ooh brought the couplet home that i purchased frm the USP... it looks nice and my mum is very pleased with it. she wants me to translate; i can barely read out the words! but they are nice words though. things to do with nature -- very pretty.

so much more to say haha. can't imagine why i neglected my blog til now. this is therapeutic, of a sort. now the only debate left is whether or not i actually want to let my friends read this... *hmm on one hand it would be nice to know one is talking to actual PEOPLE out there but on the other hand not everything is addressing to a person sometimes i talk to myself or to God but then again if i have a blog and don't show it to anyone then i'll just go back to the forums coz i need human response and that would just irritate everybody again...* i'll decide tomorrow. this is a way too long blog. but it is MY blog and i'm talkative. haha. i am wondering how this is supposed to help me shut up in real life (looks like it might work the other way instead) but it is too late to think Serious Things and so i think i'll just shuttup, and go to sleep. g'nite world~