Still troubled

i don't know why, but i'm still troubled over something that happened recently. i know i shouldn't, but that doesn't stop me from feeling doubtful of myself all the time and wondering if i can really make it as a leader. i didn't ask for this -- never did, but it came my way and God saw to it that everything fell into place, and now i'm just hyperworrying that everything's gonna fall apart. i shouldn't, really. i think i need help.

it must be my pride acting up again. i've always thought (for long periods of time, at least) that i hadn't any, but at times like this the ugly beast rears its head and i'm looking all too disgustedly at myself behaving like a little kid. 5 mins ago mum added onto that by coming into my room and complained that i (along wif my dad and bro) never moved without being pushed and how tired she was pushing us to do this and that all along (for example, changing our bedsheets and so forth). i could see where she was coming frm, but at the same time i felt so bone-tired about everything i had to do, and i really didn't know how to respond so i said nothing. i've been doing that an awful lot nowadays. maybe this is good. maybe this is training me to shut up more. my tongue (and in certain cases, my fingers) has run away with me more than once and i've always told myself i'd be careful what i say from now on. so maybe this is practice.

i don't know, and i've got to go now. but i'm still troubled. i wish i weren't.