I broke my half my resolve again! :(
Oh well. Better this half than the other half.
Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...
How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.
Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.
And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.
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