Dear God, what have I done... I cared for him too much to keep silent but I needn't have gone that extra mile, either. Once again, my desire to know has undone me.
Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mum and the outcome of it is, "It's not the right time." And you know what? I think I can accept that... if only I knew whether:
1) He really does reciprocate (unlike the many other times when it has been one-way, and I always feel like those are my fault. Is it wrong of me to be overly affectionate? Why do I always feel an implicit accusation that it's my fault I care so easily for people? I don't know, another question to be answered by God.)
2) This is really the right path for us at all.
And I guess to me that is really the most important question, the question I've been praying over and over again for the past couple of months. The only thing Mum could say when I asked her, "How do you know??" is "It takes time."
And I can appreciate it taking time. I don't even think it's wise to rush things considering how much farther there is to go. But is there even anything there for me to wait for? Or is God trying to tell me "You're just good friends"??
I did think this morning that I wanted to settle it today, because I said a little too much and now it's like i'm running away from it. But all the wise advice points to this big sign --> WAIT. Yes, I can see how it most probably isn't the right time. (Another example of my stubborness; nobody except God can convince me, I swear. Well, maybe he can. I don't know if he's ever tried.) But dear God, will there ever be a right time at all, for this particular person? Or should I really save us both the trouble and just stay away from him, hoping to starve whatever feeling I have for him?
I'm just avoiding the middle road, aren't I? Yes, the middle road of not saying a word, but just waiting for God to bring things to happen, either to let it fade away or to grow. Of not trying to do things by myself. Of Waiting On The Lord, For Heaven's Sake!! (So much for taking my own advice >.<)
I was going to post the lyrics of the hymn "Take My Life, And Let It Be" here as a reminder of what I should strive for, but re-reading my words made me laugh at an alternative version of a well-known song that I came up with some time ago. I know it's mildly disrespectful to the original writers, but I find it true too. :P
It takes time to wait upon the Lord
It takes time to listen to His voice
Unless the Lord builds the house
We labour in vain
'Coz it takes time to wait upon the Lord.
1 comment:
dear gracie, i really think we might be facing similar situations! and right now i'm so thankful to God that somehow like we reconnected (haha despite like not seeing each other for ages and never really properly talking? but our God is an amazing God) and your blog has brought me so much encouragement. i feel so comforted that i'm not the only one who's going this kind of weird situation, not knowing what's God's will and when is His perfect timing and just trying to be a good Christian friend while battling inner feelings. the temptation especially is so strong (like this year suddenly there've been soo many couples popping up in my class), and ever more i feel the burden to let this go according to what GOD would've wanted. but it's hard.
so anyway, i thank God so much for a friend like you! i pray that He'll continue to fill you with joy and strength and most of all peace, to know what's the right thing to do (or not to do). and i look forward (REALLY!) to meeting up! hahaha. best of all, i think we've similar tastes in books because i really wanna read "Passion and Purity" too! :D okay see you, this is such a long comment haha.
Post a Comment