You know how in Christian literature, they often talk about having Shalom, that deep abiding peace from God that is present even in the most troubled times? The thing about it is that I've never really been sure whether I feel it. For sure, I don't feel calm and sure and stable all the time... There are times, even long periods of time, when I feel almost shaken to the core, almost beaten to the ground.
But as the song goes:
I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning
And in that case, I do know that I experience peace in bad times, not because I go through them calmly and with equanamity, but because no matter how pained and abandoned and crushed I feel, I know that in the end God will take me through. Whether He lifts me out or carries me through or lets me walk through it but never leaves my side, He will be with me all the way. And that is what I think peace really describes, the security of that knowledge even if your heart trembles with fear and your soul cries deep rending tears. Even if you think "God, you seem so far away", you know that He is there and He cares for you. And that is much more precious than any fake stability that anything on earth can give you. :)
Yesterday I was happy, but it was that kind of tense, binding happiness where you can't believe you're happy, you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking that it can't last. But when God had sorted things out and there's stuff to look forward to and duties to fulfil in the meantime, I could finally relax and say I was content, and at peace. The closest I can describe it is: Imagine you've picked up a $1000 note that doesn't belong to anybody (and, in the pattern of primary school compositions, you've taken it to the police station and been told that you can keep it. :P) and of course you're ecstatic. You put it in your wallet and all day long you are walking around thinking of the $1000 note in your wallet, being happy but being so anxious that your wallet might get stolen, or the note might fall out when you take out your wallet to buy something, or the police station might find the owner and call you up to return it or something. You're happy, but tense. But then at the end of the day you go to the bank and you deposit the note into your bank account and then you start thinking, "What should I do with this unexpected windfall? How can I give back to God the blessings He has given me?" and then you start planning to set up a fund for poor children in your country, and you set up a timeframe and a plan of how to go about it... You have something to DO with that money now. And that's contentment and peace. :) (At least according to my story :P)
Yesterday's CG was good, we just had a time of worship, sharing and prayer. Couple of songs God seemed to be pointing in my direction that day, I'll just list their titles: "Times of Refreshing" and "Still". "Lead me to the cross" also seemed to call out to me, and when Kumuthan read out Psalm 91 I couldn't help remembering the Children's Ministry theme song of the same name. :)
I will dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High
I will stay in the shadow of Your wings
For Lord You are my refuge
My tower of strength
My hope is in You
Secure I stand
You will deliver me
Your truth will be my shield
Jesus You cover me
In Your love no fear prevails
No evil
No terror
No arrow
No plague
Shall ever come near me
For You are my safety
My hiding place
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in You.
During sharing, Adeline shared a part of Elizabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity". (I want to get that book sometime :P) She wrote that when she and Jim Elliot (that famous missionary who was killed by cannibals and whose widow later ministered to them and the whole tribe converted -- I think) first confessed their feelings for each other, Jim said he couldn't commit because God might call him away to missions. Sure enough, He did, and Elizabeth spent the time waiting, praying that God would take away her feelings for Jim because it hurt so much and she didn't even know if it would amount to anything in the end. (Don't forget in those days, mission work was very dangerous and one could get killed while on missions -- so the uncertainty was much more amplified too.) But God rewarded their faithfulness and after 5 years they were finally reunited, and eventually married. I thought that was such a beautiful story of two faithful people and one ever-faithful God :)
And of course it's always edifying to pray in a group... even if it's about something as strange as shoes ;P
One thing I love about songs is that their meaning (or at least, their personal application to your life) changes when the context that you sing them in changes. One of the reasons why I often advocate ambiguity :) I think ambiguity leaves room for God to work in.
Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You tell me who I am
I am Yours
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