Exams And Dreams Again (grahhhh!)

(Heh I originally posted this on LJ. Then I remembered my blogger was MEANT for these kinds of dreams and songs things :P)

Was contemplating not blogging about this, because I couldn't really make head or tail of it... But for some reason I feel the need to share.

Last night (or early this morning) I had a dream... it started out I have no idea how, but eventually I was talking to Ryan as we were walking around some huge mall and we agreed to buy some stuff back to CG to play the "Props" game we modified from Whose Line Is It Anyway (:P), but after we had checked out the other floors... and the floor we were on actually looked quite interesting with many things lying around (I only remember clothes, but they were brightly-coloured, and I'm surprised coz my dreams aren't often that colourful -- I think). Then we went on to the higher floor, and it was this like garden market, some weird hybrid between a wet market and a supermarket (e.g., the lettuce were all wrapped up individually like they usually are at the supermarket but this was applied to the chickens and the meat and every other type of vegetable too, and the floor was still wet :P).

I can't remember how much of the dream I spent in that place, and the only part I remember after that is about my family in a car, and some ang moh guy with us who seemed to be a family friend, but not a close one. This wasn't even the car my family usually drives, it was some dark green angular thing. Anyway, the part I remember was when we'd stopped at this petrol kiosk for some reason or other and were pumping gas and for some reason we needed to pump water as well. (Suddenly I remember playing with the water pump in an earlier part of the dream. Or was it the gas pump? Like trying to squirt stuff out of it. I can't remember but it sounds dangerous 0_o) But at first there was only a trickle of water, and then there was no water at all. And I remember praying, but it was the sort of prayer you say automatically while waiting for the water to come out, and later when I looked at the prayer it felt like I had taken God for granted and was just like, "God the water's coming soon right?". So no water came out, and the family friend was like "Hah! So much for praying" and I was distressed on that account, and was walking around anxiously praying in my heart that he would come to see God... and at this point was where my Mum was saying "You know earlier on you might have been spraying gas droplets all over us" (which was why I thought I had played with the pump earlier or something).

Well they went to pay (I remember Mum asking Dad if he had an international passport so he could pay) and I went back to the pump to look at the hose again because I couldn't believe it would run out of whatever-it-was-supposed-to-have. When I jiggled the thing two attendants (who looked like policemen, incidentally 0_o) hurried up and asked me what I was trying to do. I explained about the shortage and they said "Oh yes we're having renovations" (or something like that) and I went back to explain to my family and for some reason that relieved them. And then one of the attendant-cum-policeman reassured us, and then out of the blue said something about prayer support. So he prayed for us right there next to the car and my Mum was with my brother and my Dad was praying with his hands on the car and I was praying with my hands on my Dad's shoulders. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that this other Singaporean lady that we somehow knew (for some reason I felt she was connected with the car too, perhaps some insurance agent or car agent or something) was also praying, and I "felt" (in the dream) that she was a Christian so that was expected, but surprisingly the ang moh family friend (who had found another ang moh to chat with) put his hands on the car and prayed too. 0_o I have weird dreams.

Well, anyway immediately after we prayed, I had this feeling of trust and surety in God, as if just now my prayer was a sham, frivolous one but now it was sincere and from the heart and I KNEW God would answer it. But before I could find out whether the prayer worked (I'm not even sure now what the prayer was for! :S), I woke up. Heh cliffhanger! :P

Well when I was properly awake and everything I told myself that should serve as a reminder to pray with sincerity instead of just saying words. *Nods*

Still feel sleepy gahhh. But that is my fault entirely. My thoughts are too dangerous to be left unchecked nowadays >.< Must submit them to God. Read today's article just now about a car accident that killed a pedestrian and critically injured another, and was suddenly moved to pray for protection for a friend and for my family. Can't wait for today (and next Wednesday) to be over :S

I REALLY don't know what I'm going to do after graduation. :S

This song has been running in my head this morning. Guess I really need God's forgiving grace >.<

Purify My Heart
Teach me Your ways
O Lord, my God
And I will walk in Your truth
Give me a totally
Undivided heart
That I may fear Your name

Purify my heart
Cleanse me Lord, I pray
Remove from me
All that is
Standing in the way
Purify my heart
Cleanse me Lord, I pray
Remove from me
All that is
Standing in the way
Of Your love

For some reason, I've always had the impression that the last line of the verse was "That I may seek Your face"... Also always thought that the 3rd-5th lines of the chorus were "Remove from me all burdens standing in the way". Well, I suppose those are covered in "all that is" as well :)

Dear God, You know right now I'm too distracted to really mean this song... But as it plays on and on in my heart and head, help me to eventually mean it and give my full attention to You okay? :S

My Mama Said

Perhaps sometimes I do over-react emotionally.

Mum calmed me with just a few words today.

"My little girl is grown up now, she has to make her own decisions even though Mummy don't agree, and she has to face the consequences. It's all part of growing up right? In our family, we are so used to agreeing on many things, and that is very good, but we can't agree on everything... There is disagreement, but there is still love."

Thank you Mummy. Thank You God. :)

God, You're still the One I run to, the One that I belong to. :)

Is precious in His eyes~

Give them all, give them all
Give them all to Jesus

-One last big essay (and the attendant tedious transcribing)

-Exams which are very near (and not yet studied for)

-Parental care manifested in the form of mild spoken dispproval

I am pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted, not abandoned. God holds me in His loving hands, and he is always there for me. What more can I ask for? In the midst of my trials I still call myself blessed.

One day, I will look back at this period of time and thank God for it. I will have forgotten the pain (like most human minds do) because it is so transitory. I will remember the joy. Because it is mine to remember, because "the joy of the Lord is my strength". And I will remember it from everlasting to everlasting, when I finally behold the beloved face of my Lord. Oh, what a day to look forward to! *bliss*

And there shall be no more tears. :)

Every Tear You Cry Is Precious In His Eyes

I know I should be transcribing now. But Daddy just tossed me the book I asked him to buy off Doulos, Elizabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity", and I curiously decided to flip through and see what it was all about...

And I haven't been able to stop crying since. Oh it's not like a soap opera or anything like that, and I haven't even read it seriously like every word and dwelled on it, but just flipping through like I did, God jumped out of the book every few pages and touched my heart so deeply, oh so deeply, I felt He was just speaking to my very heart again and again and again. I can see there is much to think and pray about there, many answers to questions I have been asking so far... and I can't wait for exams to be over so I can really concentrate on reading it and absorbing God's replies. :) It was just being answered so very directly through the words in the book that made me cry out of gladness, out of reassurance that God really is guiding us, directly and intimately.

Thank You for these tears, Lord. Thank You for this book. Thank You for the many people whom You have "conspired" with to bring me to this book, chief among them being Ade and Daddy (thank you to you two too. :P).

Thank You for Your love, without which how could humans ever feel alive? :)

Thank You God... for showing that You care. :')

(Going to transcribe now. What interesting ways God uses to wake one's mind up :P)

Lunch Post :P

Okay I can't let the QT postings pile up too long, else I'll get a list as long as the uncapitalised one below :P

Sunday's QT:

Okay I shan't cheat by pretending I read the Bible passage, because I didn't :S Well it WAS a Sunday, after all, which generally means a surfeit of Bible passages/verses. Hee. (Will put up sermon insights... sometime. :P) But here's a verse from the passage that DID catch me now I read it.

Philippians 2:14 Do all things without murmuring and disputing,

(And I was like "Oops! Sorry God for all my complaining about schoolwork :S")

The sharing story was about how some church member praised the church caretaker for his faithful job of keeping the church sparkling clean, and the caretaker replied: "I love my work. And when I go to heaven, I hope to have a job just like this." The church member was stunned at his reaction (and so was I! :S) and went on to ponder: "It was a tedious job that didn't pay a lot. Yet he was cleaning with the joy of the Lord in his heart, saying he hoped to have 'a job just like this' in heaven. ...Could I take a menial job and find joy in serving?"

And that question has struck me too. Could I?

That reminds me of my mum and how she faithfully does all the housework, ALL, without complaining. And of how I really should be starting to help her out much more than washing dishes twice a week. :S

Monday's QT:

Psalm 109:26-27 Help me, O Lord my God! Oh, save me according to Your mercy, that they may know that this is Your hand-- that You, Lord, have done it! (I assume "done it" here means "saved me" :P)

Psalm 109:29 Let my accusers be clothed with shame, and let them cover themselves with their own disgrace as with a mantle. (I bring this up because it reminds me of the point in the sermon about "putting on" various virtues like pieces of clothing -- this seems to be the same though pointing in the other direction :P)

Psalm 109:30 I will greatly praise the Lord with my mouth; yes, I will praise Him among the multitude. (This is an answer to anybody who ever asks me whether I feel I am shoving my faith in the face of people too much by talking about Christian/church stuff, or blogging about God all the time. If my God is so great, can He be hidden in the private recesses of one's life? Should He not be proclaimed all the time, in every way? I will not insist that you believe in Him right now, but neither will I accept it if you tell me to stop talking about Him. I can't. "Can't stop talking 'bout everything He's done / He's the best thing happened since the world begun" :D)

Today's QT!

I am continually amused by how God uses my Bible's lack of the book of Luke to point me to interesting things nonetheless. Everything I've had to refer to Luke for has been a story, and seeing as I'm using the New Living Translation for these Luke excursions it seems particularly apt :P

Luke 9:10-17
It's the story of Jesus feeding the... well it doesn't say here how many. But a huge multitude of people fed with just 5 loaves and 2 fish, and with 12 baskets left over too. This really reminded me of something I read on Ade's blog just a day or so ago:

(Again, from Elizabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity" :P)

One morning I was reading the story of Jesus' feeding of the five thousand. The disciples could find only five loaves of bread and two fishes. "Let me have them," said Jesus. He asked for all. He took them, said the blessing, and broke them before He gave them out. I remembered what a chapel speaker, Ruth Stull from Peru, had said: "If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad."

Been thinking about that part I bolded, and wondering if God was trying to speak to me through it. I did blog about something like that before, about sharing love with people who need it and don't get it (like the socially ostracised) rather than reserving it for that One Special Person because so many more people are blessed that way. But as I thought and prayed and tried to imagine it in my mind's eye, I remembered that it's not a win-lose situation. It's not that the little lad whose lunch was taken to feed the crowd had to forego his lunch in order that the crowd be fed. Jesus asked for food, the lad offered his lunch, Jesus asked the Father's blessing and broke it in pieces and gave it out, and the lad was one of the 5000 who was fed to the full. In other words, as I see it, it's not that you have to deny yourself of something forever in order that others be filled, but that you give it over to God to handle, and He multiplies it by His grace such that not only others are filled, but you are too. His grace is sufficient... for everybody, including yourself.

And I think... if I (in the guise of lunch :P) hadn't been given to a little lad, I might have only been serving my own family of fishermen, perhaps an entire village of friends and acquaintances, and some strangers passing through. The wise Mother up there (God is both our Mother and our Father, if Henri Nouwen is to be believed :D) gave me to a little lad, and if he had kept me to himself, I might only have fed a few more of his buddies, maybe another family and village if he was generous (my metaphor's getting fuzzy here). But this little lad placed me in God's hands, and now Jesus can use me to feed a multitude of family, friends, strangers beyond count, and people who may not yet even be in the world... none of which could have happened if I had remained lunch at home, and not been given to the little lad.

Does that sound crazy? :D I admit I might have overstretched the metaphor. But it was a sudden inspiration upon reading the story. :P

Oh another thing that struck me about the passage was that Jesus asked God's blessing on the food. Was thinking about how my family says Grace before meals and the focus seems to be slightly different... We often thank God for the food. Dad will say "please help it to bless our bodies" and we do follow him sometimes, but it doesn't crop up as often as "thank You for the food on the table and mummy for cooking it". I wonder if it's time to pay a bit more attention to the blessing part, particularly as my parents begin to age gracefully? :P

The QT sharing did touch me too though, it was about a bunch of teens who used the church lawn for hanging out and were unpopular among church members because of their habit of leaving litter on the lawn. One day a church member spoke to them kindly instead of scolding and invited them to join the church youth for pizza and games. The church youth followed up the invitation and some of them did join in eventually. the sharing ended with "Inviting those outside the church to come in -- isn't that what being the Lord's people is all about?" And I quite agree! :) Now if only I could muster up the courage to put that into practice... (Thinking of a certain S. Not the little girl I talked about before. Wondering and praying. Draw her to You, dear Lord.)

Other sentences from the sharing that drive home the point :P

"Lord, help us to welcome those who are not wanted, those who are displaced, those who don't quite fit in. May we reach out to offer friendship and spiritual nourishment and draw people into Your house. Amen."

"Most people need an invitation to get them to come to church."

A song I've always quite liked (reminded of it also through Ade's blog :P)

As bread that is broken, use our lives
As wine that is poured out, a willing sacrifice
Empower us Father, to share the love of Christ
As bread that is broken, Lord, use our lives

Sing, Sing A Song

Or two :) I was supposed to post a story but I'll do it tomorrow, I think. Supposed to be working on my assignment now but feel type-y. :P As this will be a songpost first and foremost, other non-song insights may be subsumed... or maybe I shall just type them later when I feel like it. :P ("It's My Blog")

Yesterday I was thinking about some Mandarin Christian songs for a friend's mum. This morning my dad was whistling one of them. I *break out into huge grin* :D

shen ming you xian
shi guang ye hui zhou
ru guo ni bu zhen xi
ji hui nan liu
li wu sui ran hao
ru guo ni bu yao
ni ze me neng gou de dao
ze me neng de dao

(Pardon my horrible hanyu pinyin. It sounds a lot better than it looks here, honestly. :P)

Last night I posted about "My peace I give unto you". This afternoon at Contemporary Worship we sang it. 0_o Isn't God cool :D

Also during Contemporary Worship, we sang Make Me A Channel Of Your Peace. I was sortof adding that into my prayer yesterday, so it was a nice surprise :)

Make me a channel of Your peace
Where there is hatred, let me bring Your love
Where there is injury, Your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in You.

Make me a channel of Your peace
Where there's despair in life let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

O Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of Your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving of ourselves that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal life.

And we also sang Still. It's a beautiful song at any time (it's one of my favourite "cry to the Lord" songs :P) but I was looking at the lyrics and re-appreciating them in the context of my flood of stress and emotions this past week, and how God has shown time and time again (at least 5 times this week, I am certain :P) that He has control over everything, EVERYTHING, even things I think are nearly impossible. And this one line struck me: "I will be still / Know You are God". I think partly this struck me because I was telling a dear friend yesterday that I think when I get to God's throne I will just have started to comprehend God's awesome goodness and glory, and this comprehension will probably take forever to fully finish dawning so I might just be standing there gazing at God in awe forever. :P Well, nobody can predict what we'll really do when we get there. But to me these two lines of lyrics just express the spirit of that image so well. Also, they're good reminders that I haven't exactly been very still the past week. A bit hard to do so in the harried pace of life, at least here in Singapore! But well, as said in the sermon today, "Hurry is the key enemy of tenderness" and I think so too. :)

Anyway since I'm talking so much about yesterday I might as well blog about it too. :P Ever since yesterday's worship practice I've been loving Shepherd Of My Soul.

Shepherd of my soul
I give You full control
Wherever You may lead
I will follow
I have made the choice
To listen for Your voice
Wherever You may lead
I will go

Be it in a quiet pasture
Or by a gentle stream
The Shepherd of my soul
Is by my side
Though I face a mighty mountain
Or a valley dark and deep
The Shepherd of my soul
Will be my guide

For Offertory, we sang one of my favourite ever songs (Adrian knows this one :P), This World Is Not My Home. I used to like it coz of its expressed desire for Heaven and it's the kind of song that catches the kid in me, but when I actually went to go find and memorise the other verses I realised just how very meaningful it is.

This world is not my home
I'm just a-passin' through
My treasures are laid up
Somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me
From Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home
In this world anymore

Chorus:
O Lord, You know
I have no friend like You
If Heaven's not my home
Then Lord what would I do
The Saviour beckons me
From Heaven's open door
And I can't feel at home
In this world anymore

They're all expecting me
And that's one thing I know
My Saviour pardoned me
And now I onward go
I know He'll take me through
Though I am weak and poor
And I can't feel at home
In this world anymore

There's a third verse but nevermind. :P Also maybe one of the reasons I was reminded of S yesterday was that I taught her to sing Did You Ever Talk To God Above so that she wouldn't be lonely because she would have God as her Friend... And I saw how much she clung and clung to that song on the last day.

Did you ever talk to God above
Tell Him that you need a friend to love
Pray in Jesus' name believing that
God answers prayer
Have you told Him all your cares and woes
Every tiny little fear He knows
You can know He'll always hear
And He will answer prayer

You can whisper in a crowd to Him
You can cry when you're alone, to Him
You don't have to pray out loud to Him
He knows your thoughts
On a lofty mountain peak, He's there
In a meadow by a stream, He's there
Anywhere on earth You go
He's been there from the start

Find the answer in His word, it's true
You'll be strong because He walks with you
By His faithfulness He'll change you, too
God answers prayer.

I truly believe that my childhood and upbringing has had a great impact in founding my life on the Solid Rock of Christ Jesus :) I may seem childish at times but it is returning again and again to these simple songs -- simple in the sense that they are not complicated, easy to sing and to cling to, and simple in their expression of faith and great truth -- that I find my faith is made ever-stronger through trials. "With faith Like A Child", anyone? :P

To end this really long songpost (:P), I think I'll put up the lyrics of He Never Sleeps by Don Moen. I first heard this song at FOP this year (the more worshipful second half that I liked :P) and I bought the Hiding Place CD hoping it would have it, and also because I fell in love with the title song. I can't remember now whether the CD had this song, because I can't find the CD. *sad* And one day I want to go and get his Thank You Lord CD too. I am really inspired by Don Moen's example as a songwriter and worship leader, really. But anyways yeah I mention this song because I heard it on the way home in a friend's car today, and found that it speaks to me in the way that I was looking for when I said I wanted a song about how "God is faithful, even when I am faithless". :)

When you've prayed every prayer that you know how to pray
Just remember the Lord will hear and the answer is on it's way

Our God is able
He is mighty
He is faithful

And He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He never tires of hearing our prayer
When we are weak He becomes stronger
So rest in His love
And cast all of your cares
On Him

Do you feel that the Lord has forgotten your need
Just remember that God is always working in ways you cannot see

Another reason why I really like this song is that it has a really nice piano intro. :)

How Will The Story End?

It's been awhile since I wrote that story :) And I thought I should update.

The thing is that there really isn't an end to the story... yet. The ending's different for everyone. And I really don't mean that in a postmodernist "it's all up to individual opinion" kinda thing, nor is it meant to be an artsy "it's in your hands, you finish the script however you want, art for the masses!" type of thing. It doesn't have an end because the story has not ended. It is still going on, and it will still be going on until something happens to the little girl that can be written into the story. But in the meantime it's still a long corridor she's walking down (I did mention it was a long corridor right?) and she still has to wait for her Father's answer and frankly, I don't think the answer is all that necessary right now.

Heh that seems quite different from the tone of urgency in the story right? Well I think God has been speaking to me through various people these past few days... and I think I'm getting a sense of what it means to just trust and let go. To not think too much and trust in God that He will continue to guide us in everything we do. It's a new concept I'm trying to get my head around because for the first time I see that "maybe you don't Need To Know in order to live it out" but I know it's possible because I see that someone can have peace even under such circumstances. And oh, such peace!

My peace I give unto you
It's a peace that the world cannot give
It's a peace that the world cannot understand
Peace to know, peace to live
My peace I give unto you

I remember singing that to the kid I counselled back in last year's camp... I was trying to sing her to sleep. And she really did calm down and fall asleep! I've been reminded of her these past few days, I think I shall pray for her. I always remember that last night when she clung to me and I was told by the helper to leave her (they were practising the painful but necessary step of gradual distancing) and I just went to the counsellors' room and curled up and cried. I think I was the only one who cried and I think I shocked all of them. But I really did love her like the little sister I never had... And I should continue to pray for her more regularly as the sister-in-Christ that I shall probably never see again in my lifetime, until we meet before God's throne. Sweet little S... I hope you grow into a strong and lovely woman of God. :)

Oh yeah so anyway as I was saying... Maybe it's a story that doesn't need to be finished quite so soon. But that's only my feeling about it :) For many other little girls out there, their feelings and the Father's answer to them can be very very different. And the only way to know how the story ends... is to go back to the Author and Finisher of our faith (and our stories :P). :)

Another story waiting in the wings though :) To be written when I'm not so stressed about assignments >.< But I will not be over-stressed, because God is good, all the time. :)

I couldn't think of a song about God being faithful even while we are faithless... so maybe I will write one someday, God willing. :)

God Will Make A Way

Can I share a story?

Once upon a time, there was a Father. This Father owned lots and lots of land and property and had a thriving business. He had a little girl whom He loved very dearly and He would make time for her anytime she wanted, but He also knew that she would be overwhelmed by His power and the honour that others gave to Him if He were to keep her by His side all the time.

So He designated a pretty little cottage in a peaceful sunny field for her to live in, and would come and visit her from time to time. The Father appointed many people to help take care of His little girl; a Nanny and a Guardian and a Tutor and many, many other people who helped to keep the world of the little girl warm and sunshiny. The little girl had everything she needed and sometimes was even given a little more sweets than were strictly necessary, because the Father loved her so much and wanted her to be happy.

Ever since this little girl could remember, all the people around her told her of a Treasure the Father was reserving for her. It was told to her when her hair was being brushed; it was sung to her as she swung on swings in the sunshine; it was whispered to her as a lullaby before she fell asleep at night. Nobody knew what this Treasure was, only they knew it would be given to her in due time, and that it was absolutely certain that it would be given to her one day. But this made the little girl wonder and wonder about it as she ran about day by day, and the leaves on the trees in the little wood nearby whispered many things to her as she played next to it. None of these leaf-whisperings were true, but the impatient little girl clung onto them because she wanted so much to know what it was.

Now everyday the Father would want to come and be with His little girl, but being only a very young and restless little girl, she would often forget to meet Him, or despise her homework and run away to play and forget about meeting Him, or only stay a few minutes before she would get fidgety and run out of the room. But when she did remember, she would love that time spent with her Father, because He was loving and firm and helped her to grow just that little bit bigger than she was before. Yet the fickle little girl often forgot this wonderful time spent with her Father and ran about her own business, avoiding her homework as much as she could even though she knew it was good for her.

One day, the little girl came across a room on which there was a sign saying "Do Not Look", but being an incurably curious as well as disobedient little girl, she pushed open the door a little way and peeked in. There she saw her Father against a bright light, and He was standing in front of a velvet box labelled "For My little girl" which was wide open. In one hand He held a sparkling gem, and the brilliance of that gem caught the little girl's breath and took it right away. It was so beautiful, that gem, and the little girl wanted it very, very badly. She tried to pull herself away from the door because she knew she should not have been so sneaky, but her eyes had been caught by the sparkling gem and by her own will she could not turn away. She tried to go no further than the door, but the more she stood there the less she could control her feet. All the while the Father stood there gazing lovingly at the gem in His hand.

Suddenly, the little girl could take it no more. She dashed forward and grabbed the gem from the Father's hand, and without waiting for Him to say a word, she ran away to her hidey-hole to hold the gem up to her face and look at it closely. Away from the Father's light, the gem shone less brilliantly, but it was no less beautiful and the little girl admired it very much. Maybe, she thought, this was the Treasure! It was very, very precious to her and from that day on she vowed not to let it out of her possession.

The Nanny and the Guardian and the Tutor and all the other people who heard about what the little girl had done came to try and persuade her to return the gem, but she refused. After all, hadn't the Father meant to give it to her? She was sure He had taken it out of that box and it was going to be for her, so why shouldn't she have it? Besides, the Father never told her to give it back, not even when she met up with Him in the days afterward. So no matter how much they scolded her and tried to punish her, she believed that the Father meant for her to have it and she held onto it tightly because it was the first thing that had meant so much to her. It was her Treasure, after all! What right did they have to take it away from her? Besides its great beauty, it held the Father's love for her, and so it was very very precious to her.

But gradually she began to remember the sign on the door, and that she had disobeyed it. She also realised that she had vaguely seen other boxes around, that might not have had her name on them. Couldn't the Father have meant this gem for someone else? And might she be stealing this gem from someone else? The little girl was torn, because the gem was so precious to her but at the same time she could see how precious it would be to someone else. It would be terribly unfair of her to keep it away from that someone else.

Slowly the little girl remembered other details of the scene. She remembered that as she dashed forward to grab the gem, she had seen in the Father's other hand a chisel, held as if it was about to keep shaping the gem. She looked at the gem and thought that it looked beautiful as it was, but she knew that the Father's taste was much better than hers and if He was going to continue shaping the gem, it would turn out more beautiful than before, perhaps the most beautiful gem in the world. By taking it away, she might have interrupted the Father's work! How could she, a mere little girl, do that to her almighty and ever-loving Father?

At this thought, the little girl could stand it no more. She took the precious sparkling gem from her hiding place, and made a decision that she would return it to her Father. The decision was very painful because the gem was so very precious to her and it had made her so happy for a few precious days. But she knew that she would have no peace until she knew what the Father wanted to do with the gem.

And so she went, step after painful step, down the hallway to the room where she knew her Father would always meet her, no matter what time of the day it was. "When I get before my Father," she thought, "I will open my palms and hold the gem up to Him and tell Him that I am sorry I snatched it from Him that day. Maybe He will tell me this gem is not for me and take it away, and that He has something else for me that is the true Treasure I am supposed to have. I will be very sad, but I will know that I am doing what my Father pleases. Maybe He will tell me that it's okay and that He meant for me to have the gem soon anyway so I can keep the gem now. I will be very happy, and I will be happy that I am doing what my Father wants. Maybe He will tell me that yes, this is the Treasure for me, but because He is not done chiselling it yet, He will take the gem back for now and I will have to be patient and wait until He is done with it. But whatever He does, I have to remember that this gem belongs to my Father and it is only mine if He makes a gift of it to me. And I must not allow my fingers to tighten around the gem if He is going to take it away. I must give it up to Him entirely, because He knows what is best for me."

And so the little girl goes, step by painful step, down that long hallway to the room where she is to meet her Dad. And she prays, fervently, for the strength to open her fingers one by one in order to offer the gem fully and willingly to her Father and say to Him, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

Ok I stopped writing the story there :) Haven't decided how to end it. Somehow, "gem" reminds me of To Kill A Mockingbird, and I laugh at the thought of Precious Jem. Teehee! :P

Can I share a song?

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways
We cannot see
He will make a way for me

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

God will make a way. I only have to Trust and Obey. :)

Precious Jem... remember you are beautiful to God. And to me.

QT Quotes

(gahh can i be lazy for once and not capitalise everything? :P i'll do it eventually. teehee.)

sunday's QT:
"Hebrews 13:5 tells us that God will never leave or forsake us, and Philippians 4:19 says that God will meet all our needs. when we accept Christ as our personal saviour, God promises eternal life. We trust God's promises, and God can help us to keep the promises we make."

"when we keep our promises, we model the faithfulness of God"

Genesis 9:14 "it shall be, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the rainbow shall be seen in the cloud;"

monday's QT:
Psalm 1
v2: But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.

v3: he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither; and whatever he does shall prosper.

v6: for the Lord knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the ungodly shall perish.

"that foggy morning helped me to remember the spiritual fog in my own life that had obscured my way. slowly but surely God lifted that fog for me by opening my heart each day to the light of God's presence."

"whether our spiritual fog is denial, unbelief, intellectualism, anger, fear, grief, addiction, abuse, pride, or anything else that hides the path, God can lift it. as we attend to God's presence and will, the way becomes clearer. the fog may not lift suddenly, though that has happened for some. as the path becomes visible, we are able to move ahead with confidence and assurance." (this has new meaning for me after a few days' worth of events :)

tuesday's QT:
1 Corinthians 12
v12: for as the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body, so also is Christ.

v13: for by one Spirit we wre all baptized into one body -- whether Jews or Greeks, whether slaves or free -- and have all been made to drink into one Spirit.

v15: if the foot should say, "because i am not a hand, i am not of the body," is it therefore not of the body?

v17: if the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? if the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?

v18: but now God has set the members, each one of the, in the body just as he pleased.

v20: but now indeed there are many members, yet one body.

v21: and the eye cannot say to the hand, "i have no need of you"; nor again the head to the feet, "i have no need of you."

v22: no, much rather, those members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary.

v23: and those members of the body which we think to be less honorable, on these we bestow greater honor; and our unpresentable parts have greater modesty,

v24: but our presentable parts have no need. but God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it,

v25: that there should be no schism in the body, but that the members should have the same care for one another.

v26: and if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

wednesday's QT:
"we have our houses, cars, gadgets, and clothes and find ourselves working not to earn a living but to pay for everything we have. in this way we become controlled by our possessions."

"if we have abundant possessions, let us consider how we can use them to serve God and neighbour."

"help us remember, O God, that everything we have comes from You."

[skipped thursday's QT coz had CG :P ok, bad excuse. sorry God :S here's some bits that caught me now, though.]
Isaiah 58:6-9 "is this not the fast that I have chosen: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke? is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and not hide yourself from your own flesh? then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, 'here I am'."

"Isaiah 58:7 explains that relieving the suffering of others is a valid way to fast."

"while denying myself the comforts of home and the convenience of regular routine in order to serve others, i learned that fasting is making the choice to give up valid desires in order to please God."

"i offered to God my work in the homeless shelter as a spiritual fast. the 12-hour days of cooking and cleaning required me to eat regular meals to keep going. being rigid about not eating could have weakened me and thus kept me from the holy task of giving suffering people a hot meal. each situation calls for different forms of self-denial that draw us close to our Lord."

"the fast that pleases God is different for each of us, as we serve those in need."

[skipped friday's QT :S sorry God!]

saturday's QT:
Habakkuk 3
v3: God came from Teman, the Holy One from Mount Paran. Selah~ His glory covered the heavens, and the earth was full of His praise.

v4: His brightness was like the light; He had rays flashing from His hand, and there His power was hidden.

v6: He stood and measured the earth; He looked and startled the nations. and the everlasting mountains were scattered, the perpetual hills bowed. His ways are everlasting.

v10: the mountains saw You and trembled; the overflowing of the water passed by. the deep uttered its voice, and lifted its hands on high.

v13: You went forth for the salvation of Your people, for salvation with Your Anointed. You struck the head from the house of the wicked, by laying bare from foundation to neck. Selah

v17: though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; though the flock be cut off from th efold, and there be no herd in the stalls--

v18: yet i will rejoice in the Lord, i will joy in the God of my salvation.

v19: the Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer's feet, and He will make me walk on my high hills. (i almost said "high heels" here :P :P)

sunday's QT:
Acts 5
v20: "go, stand in the temple and speak to the people all the words of this life."

v24: now when the high priest, the captain of the temple, and the chief priests heard these things, they wondered what the outcome would be.

v29: then Peter and the other apostles answered and said: "we ought to obey God rather than men.

v32: "and we are His witnesses to these things, and so also is the Holy Spirit whom God has given to those who obey Him."

"Lord, give us grace to be your faithful witnesses, even in hard circumstances."

monday's QT:
2 Corinthians 9
v6: but this i say: he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.

v8: and God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, have an abundance for every good work.

v11: while you are enriched in everything for all liberality, which causes thanksgiving through us to God.

"this reminds us that we too can become "dead seas" if we do not share our time, our resources, or ourselves with others."

"we keep the waters of life flowing through us and avoid spiritual stalemate by serving, giving, and sharing."

"loving God, show us how to let Your living water flow through us to others."

Message To My Family. (even though none of you read this blog)

Don't give up on me

Please tell me... what am I supposed to do?

What are you feeling?

What are your concerns?

What do you think I should do?

Most importantly... what can I do to make you happy?

I want to see you all happy... I want peace in my family, I really do.

Am I only allowed one happiness in my life?

And if I am... which one do I choose?

Dear God, I was thinking about all this yesterday... and I wondered "What if Jesus comes tomorrow? So much for 7 years" and I laughed.

But if there isn't a huge announcement and a trumpet and a Loud Voice Saying something or other... what am I going to do?

Please don't be hurt. I'm probably overreacting. Let God handle it for me :) You just schmile, and lean on Him.

Do Not Grow Weary Of Doing Good >.<

Nnnngggggggghhhhhhhh!!!

Colours, Like Kites, Only Fly If You Put Enough Effort In Running. >.<

Thank You God for motivation.
Now Grace, Striveeeeeeeeeee!!!

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darlin' wait and see
And between now and then, 'til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me

Later :P

Ok yes I said I would elaborate about YAF... Well basically the point was that to be an "overcomer" for God, we have to surrender to Him everyday and even more than once a day, even. And what that means is to let the Holy Spirit come to the fore whenever we face anything doubtful like temptation, and let Jesus affirm His authority of having already overcome even the potential to sin with the forgiveness that He has already paid for with His blood. Or something like that... I know it sounds rather complicated :P

My main take-away point in YAF: God Sees Our Heart.

Today was a day that I was struck with many little thoughts. I list them down here (so as not to kill my LJ friends' pages, again :P).

In DK Worship, we sang this song and it's one of my favourites because it always, always echoes the cry of me heart and reminds me to let myself be drawn to Him...
Draw me nearer to You
Nearer to You
Fill my life with Your presence
The way You want to
'Til my soul is ablaze
Each and every day
Draw me nearer
Nearer to You

There was an announcement about the Dolous (did I spell that right?) ship coming to Singapore next two weekends and the kids seemed pretty excited about visiting. I myself am rather interested, but gahhh schedules. At any rate it's amazing, because this ship is a travelling Christian bookstore whose crew sometimes does inland missions as well. Dawny has been on Logos, the sister ship, before. But this one was apparently built two years before the Titanic and is still in running condition... Making it like the oldest surviving ship ever built, I believe. All the kids were asking how it could possibly last so long, and the adults were giggling about it being due to GPS -- God's Protection System :P I do love DK service.

We did the Holy Communion ritual before going down to the sanctuary, and there were a couple of phrases that caught my mind then -- and I was reminded of them again later when I took Holy Communion in Contemporary Service too. (Ever since young, I've been very aware of the possibility of confusing "Contemp" with "contempt", and so I never really like to say "Contemp Service"... :P)

"Free us for joyful obedience" reminds me alot of my friend Cheryl from New Creation, and how she quoted the verse about "there is now no condemnation" at just the right time I needed to hear it. Yes, we need to be reminded that we are sinners and need God's grace... but God also means for us to be "freed for joyful obedience", not grudging work. Joyful obedience! I'll have to try to apply that to my studies, Lord... :S

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord" reminds me of Shu May :) I'm sure it reminds me of a few other people as well, but she comes to mind most easily because she recently commented on my blog about how it's so much easier to connect with people when you know they are Christians as well. And I find it to be so true... "blessed are those who come in the name of the Lord".

Instead of class today, we had prayer... The cynical bit of me expected the usual "bless my parents" kinda prayers as usual, and was considering bringing a bigger mat next time to kneel on, but quite quickly that bit was overcome (See? It works! :P) by God showing me how He is working even in these young children, such that they can pray with sincerity even when you think they aren't approaching God with the right amount of solemnity. Two or three prayers particularly caught me:

"Please cure my grandma from diabetes."

"Please cure my brother from his asthma, and help it not to be long-term."

"Thank You for protecting my sister when she was in Japan because I know it's cold there now."

Dear Lord... Forgive me for looking down on these Your children. I know they are Primary Four and likely to be more aware of things going on around them, but like many other adults I have discounted their ability to trust in You, to have strong and fervent faith in You. And now You have proven me wrong. Lord, help me continue to treat them like partners in this marathon of faith, not as beings who need to be coddled and spoon-fed and treated like spiritual blank slates. They need guidance Lord, but so do I and in fact I think I might need more guidance than them... And there is so much I can learn from them. Forgive me for not seeing this before Lord (or at least seeing it, but not really absorbing it into my attitude towards them).

Sometimes I find it amazing how much deeper God touches me in DK Worship than in Contemporary Service :P Thank You God for using Edmond wisely in drawing us to You.

Robin (or was it? I think it was Robin) was the Prayer Leader today, and he asked us to turn to two passages. I found these verses particularly insightful:

Ephesians 4

v29: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

v30: And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

v31: Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.

Ephesians 5

v1: Therefore be followers of God as dear children.

v2: And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.

Actually the verses immediately after that were very good reminders too. But I decided to stop here because if I went on I would be listing all the verses in Ephesians :P

I quite like it when Reverend Kang preaches :) I pray that God will continue to give us good stewards of the Word like him.

The main point of the Bible passage (Matthew 18:21-35) was that we need mercy from God, and we need to show mercy to one another. I won't go into the details of the analogy used to signify the unpayable debt we owe, because that information is probably easily available :P But one point struck me: the fellow slaves saw that the slave who had been shown mercy did not show mercy to his fellow slave, and they were distressed and reported to their lord. This reminded me that if we see any similar injustice, it is probably also our duty to report to our Lord... He already knows it because He knows everything, but in praying and lifting up to Him injustices that "distress" us, we will be comforted that God is both just and merciful, all at once, and He will punish and save according to what He deems right.

Rev Kang's main point was that there are two faces of mercy we can use to ask if we are showing mercy: forgiveness and kindness. What struck me was when he said "Kindness in your judgement on others", because often when we think of kindness we think of acts of charity like giving money to poor people etc. But there are so many other ways to be kind, too. And judging others is most certainly one way that people are usually least kind. I must really be on the lookout for this myself.

(His story of the boy's tears was rather sad. I almost teared myself. Sounds like something one could write into a song... [Kinda like Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Old Oak Tree eh? :P])

Interesting story he shared about William Gladstone too. Not going to reproduce it here because I'm not sure of all the details, but it is a very inspiring example of how one can be warm and forgiving even in the midst of public embarrassment, which is something rather hard for me to imagine -- public embarrassment is one of my greatest fears. (I had a rather bad nightmare this morning about me going back to MGS and experiencing quite a bit of bad public embarrassment. Gahhh not to think about it.)

Two things Rev Kang said before Holy Communion also caught me:

"This is not a table for those who are righteous. If you think you don't deserve to come, then the table is for you." -->Highlighting, of course, how much we need God's mercy.

"Put God's gift of mercy into your mouth and in your life." -->I ALWAYS wondered what eating the bread and wine had to do with receiving God's forgiveness in the form of Jesus Christ. Now it makes much more sense to me. :)

So much, so much to think about. Hope that I will be able to be thinking about these insights God brings into my life as I go about my everyday activities... Perhaps this is what it means to "meditate on the word" at all times, after all. As in, not the words themselves, but the meaning and the lessons behind them.

How could You have given me
Such sweet and steadfast love?
More than what the world could see
Much more than I deserve.

Still Waiting

Still praying for God to show me whether He's speaking to me through my mum... Or speaking to my mum through me. *Sigh*

Must not be obsessed. >.< Must pray for discipline!

As shared in YAF today (and will be elaborated later), must let God take over my every thought, my every battle of the thought.

FOCUS.

Peace Of My Mind :P

You know how in Christian literature, they often talk about having Shalom, that deep abiding peace from God that is present even in the most troubled times? The thing about it is that I've never really been sure whether I feel it. For sure, I don't feel calm and sure and stable all the time... There are times, even long periods of time, when I feel almost shaken to the core, almost beaten to the ground.

But as the song goes:

I am pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down, but not destroyed
I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
And His joy's gonna be my strength
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

And in that case, I do know that I experience peace in bad times, not because I go through them calmly and with equanamity, but because no matter how pained and abandoned and crushed I feel, I know that in the end God will take me through. Whether He lifts me out or carries me through or lets me walk through it but never leaves my side, He will be with me all the way. And that is what I think peace really describes, the security of that knowledge even if your heart trembles with fear and your soul cries deep rending tears. Even if you think "God, you seem so far away", you know that He is there and He cares for you. And that is much more precious than any fake stability that anything on earth can give you. :)

Yesterday I was happy, but it was that kind of tense, binding happiness where you can't believe you're happy, you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking that it can't last. But when God had sorted things out and there's stuff to look forward to and duties to fulfil in the meantime, I could finally relax and say I was content, and at peace. The closest I can describe it is: Imagine you've picked up a $1000 note that doesn't belong to anybody (and, in the pattern of primary school compositions, you've taken it to the police station and been told that you can keep it. :P) and of course you're ecstatic. You put it in your wallet and all day long you are walking around thinking of the $1000 note in your wallet, being happy but being so anxious that your wallet might get stolen, or the note might fall out when you take out your wallet to buy something, or the police station might find the owner and call you up to return it or something. You're happy, but tense. But then at the end of the day you go to the bank and you deposit the note into your bank account and then you start thinking, "What should I do with this unexpected windfall? How can I give back to God the blessings He has given me?" and then you start planning to set up a fund for poor children in your country, and you set up a timeframe and a plan of how to go about it... You have something to DO with that money now. And that's contentment and peace. :) (At least according to my story :P)

Yesterday's CG was good, we just had a time of worship, sharing and prayer. Couple of songs God seemed to be pointing in my direction that day, I'll just list their titles: "Times of Refreshing" and "Still". "Lead me to the cross" also seemed to call out to me, and when Kumuthan read out Psalm 91 I couldn't help remembering the Children's Ministry theme song of the same name. :)

I will dwell in the secret place
Of the Most High
I will stay in the shadow of Your wings
For Lord You are my refuge
My tower of strength
My hope is in You
Secure I stand

You will deliver me
Your truth will be my shield
Jesus You cover me
In Your love no fear prevails

No evil
No terror
No arrow
No plague
Shall ever come near me
For You are my safety
My hiding place
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in
Jesus I trust in You.

During sharing, Adeline shared a part of Elizabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity". (I want to get that book sometime :P) She wrote that when she and Jim Elliot (that famous missionary who was killed by cannibals and whose widow later ministered to them and the whole tribe converted -- I think) first confessed their feelings for each other, Jim said he couldn't commit because God might call him away to missions. Sure enough, He did, and Elizabeth spent the time waiting, praying that God would take away her feelings for Jim because it hurt so much and she didn't even know if it would amount to anything in the end. (Don't forget in those days, mission work was very dangerous and one could get killed while on missions -- so the uncertainty was much more amplified too.) But God rewarded their faithfulness and after 5 years they were finally reunited, and eventually married. I thought that was such a beautiful story of two faithful people and one ever-faithful God :)

And of course it's always edifying to pray in a group... even if it's about something as strange as shoes ;P

One thing I love about songs is that their meaning (or at least, their personal application to your life) changes when the context that you sing them in changes. One of the reasons why I often advocate ambiguity :) I think ambiguity leaves room for God to work in.

Still You
Hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You tell me who I am
I am Yours

What A Difference A Spot Of Sunshine Makes :)

Oh, I know there will be trials
And rocky roads to face
And times when all we can do
Is lean upon God's grace
We might have to face mountains
And many a choppy sea
But knowing that someone is there
Is quite enough for me. :)

It Takes Time

Dear God, what have I done... I cared for him too much to keep silent but I needn't have gone that extra mile, either. Once again, my desire to know has undone me.

Had a heart-to-heart talk with Mum and the outcome of it is, "It's not the right time." And you know what? I think I can accept that... if only I knew whether:

1) He really does reciprocate (unlike the many other times when it has been one-way, and I always feel like those are my fault. Is it wrong of me to be overly affectionate? Why do I always feel an implicit accusation that it's my fault I care so easily for people? I don't know, another question to be answered by God.)

2) This is really the right path for us at all.

And I guess to me that is really the most important question, the question I've been praying over and over again for the past couple of months. The only thing Mum could say when I asked her, "How do you know??" is "It takes time."

And I can appreciate it taking time. I don't even think it's wise to rush things considering how much farther there is to go. But is there even anything there for me to wait for? Or is God trying to tell me "You're just good friends"??

I did think this morning that I wanted to settle it today, because I said a little too much and now it's like i'm running away from it. But all the wise advice points to this big sign --> WAIT. Yes, I can see how it most probably isn't the right time. (Another example of my stubborness; nobody except God can convince me, I swear. Well, maybe he can. I don't know if he's ever tried.) But dear God, will there ever be a right time at all, for this particular person? Or should I really save us both the trouble and just stay away from him, hoping to starve whatever feeling I have for him?

I'm just avoiding the middle road, aren't I? Yes, the middle road of not saying a word, but just waiting for God to bring things to happen, either to let it fade away or to grow. Of not trying to do things by myself. Of Waiting On The Lord, For Heaven's Sake!! (So much for taking my own advice >.<)

I was going to post the lyrics of the hymn "Take My Life, And Let It Be" here as a reminder of what I should strive for, but re-reading my words made me laugh at an alternative version of a well-known song that I came up with some time ago. I know it's mildly disrespectful to the original writers, but I find it true too. :P

It takes time to wait upon the Lord
It takes time to listen to His voice
Unless the Lord builds the house
We labour in vain
'Coz it takes time to wait upon the Lord.

And You Know

It is for the best.

Stupid girl, why did you even start this in the first place? Looking back now, you know you chose to walk down a dodgy path even though you didn't know it would be quite so dodgy then. But on hindsight, you had a choice, no matter how small or inconsequential it seemed, you made that choice, and now you just have to face the consequences.

The least you can do now is pray.
The most you can do now is keep away.

AND STAY AWAY... from him.
Stupid. Little. Girl.
(There's a reason why I call myself a woolly-headed lamb.)

Lambs are always playing all day in books, but this lamb has work to do. (Maybe she will try to be PRAYing all day instead? :P) And she will depend on God for strength and discipline.

And she WILL stop doing dodgy debatable things. Gahhh.

Pride Comes Before A Fall

This is what pride can do.

So much for asking "Is he spiritually mature enough for me?" Now I find myself asking "Am I spiritually mature enough for him?" And increasingly I find the answer is "No"...

One year (or thereabouts) of talking to him, and I make myself into a simpering fool. That's not even as long as our difference in ages. How could I have thought that I had what it takes? What could I have been thinking??

How wise You are, O Lord... and how wise You have made him.

Help me to be obedient to Your will, Lord. And teach me what to do now so that I will not drag him down in his spiritual walk.

And most of all Lord, help me not to be jealous of his hunger for You, of Your closeness to him. Oh, I know I shouldn't even be jealous in the first place, but You know how this flesh of ours creeps up and assails us from behind when we're not looking... Dear God, I need You to put Your hand on my heart and help me refocus on You and You alone. :S

But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
This is what I am now.

I want to be this:
Oh God I'm so needy, needy
Oh God I'm in need of You

Lord, help me:
Fix my eyes on You Jesus
As I run this race
Help me fight this fight of faith

It's always a struggle, Lord, but I know I am not alone.

Joshua 1:5 "...As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."

[Later edit: It comes to mind that perhaps one of the reasons I admire him so much is because he is like my Mum in terms of being a faithful lover of God, ever so faithful a servant of Him. And as I have often bemoaned before, I am not enough like my Mum. Oh well.]

Once Again

Over and over again, I find peace in God's presence :)

Managed to put aside last night's frustrations and focus on worshipping God during DK Worship this morning, for which I am devoutly thankful to God Himself :P (Btw, I love how the kids are really taking to Hallelujah To The Lamb. It's generally considered one of the more complicated songs, but they picked it up so quickly and always sing the "hallelujah" part so enthusiastically, it never fails to bring tears to my eyes :') Indeed it is true that "out of the mouths of babes and infants, You have ordained praise"...) Later though when Randall, Abigail and Abigil (I keep wanting to stick an A into her name :P) had left and I was sitting by myself just under the keyboard (if you've never been in DK Worship, you wouldn't understand this :P), those ponderings came back and assailed me again. At that time, Amos (I keep wanting to call him Uncle Amos but he explained the last time how that made him feel old -- I get this alot from adults now that I'm supposedly one myself :P) was telling the story of the olive oil that filled up all the pots and pans in the house and he was doing a pretty good job of it too! I can tell all the kids enjoyed it and I wasn't sure the adults weren't having a ball of a time too :P I was only just able to keep my mind on the lesson, all the time pleading with God in my heart: "God, You know what's going on in my heart and what I am facing... What am I supposed to do that will be pleasing to You? What's in Your plan for me? And how will I know? Give me an answer... How am I supposed to live for You if I don't know what it means in this situation? Please give me an answer..." It helped that in my position I could see the huge cross in the chapel and be quite close to it, so I glanced up at it every now and then to reassure myself that God was listening to me, that He was THERE. That went on more or less until the story ended and Amos switched on the computer to show a slide that said...

"Psalm 34:10 ...those who seek the Lord will lack no good thing."

I don't know why, but it just seemed like God's answer to me somehow, even though at that time I hadn't fully thought out how it was His answer to me. But it just kept running on and on through my mind as Jennifer (almost Aunty Jennifer -- gahhh!) shared Wajiyah's story, and I kept staring at the cross (which was easier now because Jennifer was using the projector so it wasn't like I wasn't paying attention or anything) and I gradually became aware that the knots inside of me were slowly being unwound, not like physically but really in terms of emotions, I just felt myself begin to relax under God's warming influence... And somehow the story just served to impress the lesson further upon my heart.

Basically what she shared was how God took care of Wajiyah, this missionary lady from our church. Wajiyah first came to Singapore from Indonesia many years ago to work as a maid (the more politically-correct term is domestic helper. But in the local context, "maid" is more widely recognisable) and her employer happened to be Mrs Sonya (Sonia?) Cheong, mother of one of the DK teachers. Sonya treated her maid very well and even asked her what her ambitions were, and Wajiyah indicated that she would like to learn English. So Sonya taught her English, and as part of the lessons she taught her to read the Bible as well. As a result, Wajiyah became a Christian from believing what she read in the Bible.

After her contract expired, Wajiyah expressed a desire to serve God in Indonesia, but didn't know how to go about it. Sonya helped her contact a missionary in Indonesia named Dr Tan Kok Boon (I think) and asked what she should do. Dr Tan advised her to go to the Bible College in Lawang, which would give her 4 years of theological training. But Wajiyah wanted to know what would happen after that, where would she be able to serve God with her training? Dr Tan didn't know either, but he said he would pray about it.

As the 4 years went by, Dr Tan kept receiving phone calls from Indonesians who wanted to learn how to be missionaries -- but they didn't know English, and so they needed to be taught in Bahasa Indonesia. But he didn't know of any such school they could go to, so all he could do was take down their contacts and tell them he would pray about it. He had an idea that perhaps Batam would be a good place to set up something, but he had no concrete plans beyond that. Various other people prayed and prayed with him, but nobody seemed to have any idea what to do.

Finally the 4 years were drawing to a close, and Wajiyah called up Dr Tan, saying that she would be graduating soon and asking if he knew where she was going to go after her studies. She had not lost faith in God's providence all this time. Dr Tan could only tell her that he did not know as yet.

One day soon after that conversation, Dr Tan received a phone call from a woman who said she was going to donate a house. Dr Tan was delighted: "That's wonderful! Where is the house?" The reply came: Batam. It was God's answer to their prayers! :)

So Wajiyah finished her studies, and she and Dr Tan set up a Bible School in Batam with the (big, bungalow) house that the woman had donated, teaching all the Indonesians who wanted to be missionaries. Not only that, but when two other houseowners in that neighbourhood discovered what they were doing, they donated their houses too! So now the missionaries had THREE houses, and besides a Bible School they set up a kindergarten as well, and another centre whose purpose I've forgotten :P But that story was just amazing.

After that, Jennifer talked about how God loves to make jigsaw puzzles and bring all these separate pieces (Wajiyah, Mrs Sonya Cheong, Dr Tan, the Indonesians, the houseowners) together to form one beautiful picture (Wajiyah's ministry, providing the Indonesians with a Bible School). And as she did so, I was ruminating on the story by myself (still staring at the cross). The take-home point for the whole session was that God works miracles in our lives each and every day, and we only have to look out for them to recognise them. ("Take a look at the ordinary / don't need to look for paradise" :P) But through thinking about the verse and what it means to me, I came to this conclusion:

"With or without a partner, I will run this race. I'll walk Your path for me; I will seek Your face!"

As in marathons (or so I've heard; not much of an athlete myself :P), if you have a running partner you can actually be motivated to run faster and further because the both of you are providing each other company along the arduous, tedious route and spurring each other on to the end. But that doesn't mean that if you don't have a partner you will deflate and sink to the ground; you can still finish the race by simply continuing to give of your best, and striving on for the goal! And you will be no less rewarded by God :) (In fact, some theories have it that if you have a partner the journey becomes even more arduous instead. But I don't know anything about this so I shut up :P)

And I repeat again the verse that brought this home to me :)
Psalm 34:10 "...But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."
(Interestingly, God has been pointing me to Psalm 34 quite frequently in recent times. I think I will "test God" by waiting awhile to see if He points me back to another part of it again before I post it up in whole ;P)

And yes, that's one of the reasons why I didn't go for Contemporary Worship today. I felt more or less like I had attended a full service already, which is what Edmond always intended for the Children's Ministry anyway :) Besides which, I had an essay to rush that I'm still rushing :(

Totally unconnected song, but what the heck :D

And once again I look upon the cross where You died
I'm humbled by Your mercy, and I'm broken inside
Once again I thank You
Once again I pour out my life

*Deep Breath*

I must calm down.

I must not do rash things.

Dear God, I don't know if You were trying to speak through my brother. (Lord, You know how I feel about my brother speaking to me. :P Help me not be biased Lord...) I don't know if he was highlighting to me something that I ought to change, or rein back, or is natural and oughtn't to be interfered with because it comes from You.

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day...
No expectations, remember?

Dear God, I'm very bad at following my own advice :'( Please help me, Lord.

Play hide and seek with the boy next door
Maybe I should stop.

What's the name of the game
Does it mean anything to you

It's not a game, it's never a game, I've never treated it as a game, but it's a game all the same... (That Rhymes :D) It's a game because it doesn't mean anything to everybody else. It's a game because I must always keep it hidden, all the time. It's a game because I never know, never will know (although this is debatable), don't want to know but want to know all at the same time. I want to know because I don't want it to be a game. I don't want to know because I'm so afraid of the deep hurt it brings. So uncertainty, or heartbreak? The Devil and the deep blue sea. (Actually, I rather like blue... and the sea [or more specifically the beach]. But I meant that phrase metaphorically :P)

And they called it Puppy Love
Just because we're in our teens
Well, I'm not in my teens anymore, and frankly that only confuses me further. Since I'm not in my teens anymore, does that mean I won't experience Puppy Love, only the Real Thing? Or does it have more to do with the quality, the maturity of the relationship itself?

And in that case, what does it say about me if somebody thinks I am experiencing "Puppy Love"?

Sorry... I'm being too self-centred again. "Me me me" I can start singing Sound Of Music at this rate :P

It's just that it looks like it's shaping up to be another "me versus the family" issues. And my track record on those have not been good recently.

Dear Lord, please speak to me. Because I need guidance pretty badly, and I think I need it quite soon before I pass the point of very-difficult-to-return.

At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord...

God, You rock!!! You are greater than any issues or challenges I might face :)

There is no problem too big
God cannot solve it
There is no mountain too tall
He cannot move it
There is no storm too dark
God cannot calm it
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe it

If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world
Upon His shoulder
I know my sister that He will carry you

He said "Come unto Me
All who are weary
And I will give you rest"(X2)

Unexpectantly

It always bugs me to bits when people say "unexpectantly" when they really mean "unexpectedly"... So I decided to use it for my title :P (No, I don't make sense. Was that a surprise? :P) According to my own non-logic, my next title really ought to be "irregardless". Bah.

Flipped back through my written diary last night (Digression: good thing I don't have a diaryland blog too, else I'll have an LJ, a blog and a diary all online :P) and although I haven't written much, there's enough to show me what I've learnt. And what I've learnt (all over again, I must add) is that Things Never Turn Out The Way I Expect Them :P (shades of negotiation class!!! Oh No) No, really. I even wrote a script about this but I'm very bad at taking my own advice :P Expect the Unexpected, so they say. I used to have this superstition that whatever I thought about wouldn't happen, so sometimes when I thought about happy stuff I'd cry because they'd never happen because I'd thought about them! And then of course when I didn't want bad stuff to happen I'd think about it too (so that it wouldn't happen) and then cry because it made me so sad :P Gahhh emotional weathercock. Boo.

(Let's not talk about superstitions -- I have one about Plaza Singapura and movies -- and maybe anyway they're not really superstitions but straws showing which way the wind is blowing... "the answer my friend / is blowin' in the wind" And anyway they don't exactly have a 100% response rate -- gahhh statistics!!!)

Yes, sorry. Lessons. Teach me to be less of a control-freak, Lord... You know how my adolescence was like and You know how that dug me in to be more or less a metal stake in a flowing river, but even my family says I've become more Go-With-The-Flow now and I wonder if it isn't part of Your plan, Lord.

(Thinking about a song from that period of my life made me laugh. Lord, thank You for being there even when I hardly knew You :)

Michael was right. I'm DEVASTATINGLY afraid of losing myself, and so I keep a very tight rein on everything I do and analyse it obssessively. (Is that what Joshua calls stubborn?) But neither do I want to be a overused rubber band that flops around aimlessly and is swept away by the rushing waters of the world. I want to stand for You Lord, and I want to be flexible for You Lord. And I don't know how.

Oh well, while I'm trying to learn that, help me cultivate a longer attention-span, dear Lord >.< Today was sortof a half-step in the right direction, but could be Loads Better. (Why do I always feel like such a CHILD??? :S Maybe because I behave like one GAHHHH)

Okay this post has been sortof a squabble between me and my subconscious :P Interesting. Something else that has been prodding my subconscious: (God, I'm quite sure he doesn't know what that song means to me. And from the looks of it, I'm not going to be able to tell him. And You know what? I'm not obssessed over the fact. :) And I thank You Lord.)

Will try to live with no expectations (or at least, less). Again I sing my favourite song-which-sounds-like-a-hymn-but-isn't-in-the-hymnal:

I don't know about tomorrow
I just live from day to day
I don't borrow from its sunshine
For its skies may turn to grey
I don't worry o'er the future
For I know what Jesus said
And today I'll walk beside Him
For He knows what is ahead

Refrain:
Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know Who holds tomorrow
And I know He holds my hand

Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb
Ev'ry burden's getting lighter
Ev'ry cloud is silver lined
There the sun is always shining
There no tear will dim the eye
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Refrain

I don't know about tomorrow
It may bring me poverty
But the One Who feeds the sparrow
Is the One Who stands by me
And the path that be my portion
May be through the flame or flood
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Refrain

(Haha, refrain. That's a good one, Lord! :P)

Morning Musings (okay afternoon really but who cares :D)

Okay I deleted THAT post too :P I'm fickle. Nah, anyway it was too much an angsty tantrum thrown by an ungrateful sleepy child.

Dear God, I thank You that even when I plan to give my body less sleep than it needs, You always force me to have enough sleep to be refreshed (i.e. I missed my alarm AGAIN today :P) and always wake me up just when I need to :) Thank You!

And I thank You for my daily bread of strength and peace and joy. Actually I "woke up this morning / feeling kinda blue"... Perhaps bone-tired and miserable is a better way to describe it really. But You got me up out of bed, and took me to Your Word, and suddenly I realise what I have been missing all along. God doesn't get any smaller or less glorious or less caring just because I'm stupid enough to let myself be engulfed with worries and hurt... He is still as glorious as ever. (Reminds me of Jet and how she explained to me about saying the rosary and "My Glorious" and stuff like that :P) And the world is as beautiful as ever despite me not seeing the beauty, and God is still able to use me to bring peace and joy to other people, if only I would stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.

Heh all that was sparked off by reading yesterday's QT sharing this morning. Here's an excerpt: "Sometimes this world seems so troubling that we may long for the future world God promises. But trusting in God doesn't mean only that we believe things will work out well in the end. Our faith and hope can bring joy and peace in our present circumstances." This wasn't so much a smack in the head as I have described previous epiphanies :P More like a gentle warming of my heart.

The smack comes in this next part :P "[Jesus] was not telling us just to be ready for a specific time yet to come but to be ready all the time -- right now -- so that we can enjoy God's amazing display of every day." My gosh, I thought, how could I have been so blind to this? If Jesus comes tomorrow -- or indeed, the next minute -- how would He find me? Would I be crumpled up in a ball of hurt, miserable and focused only on my feelings? Would I be secretly resentful of Him for not giving me enough of what I want? Or would I be Ready... Would I be found with the love and joy and hope of Jesus in my heart, doing my best to serve others to the very end, enjoying God's beauty all around me, eager to behold the Lord who did not even wait until I was in physical form to love me?

[This also reminds me of yesterday's sermon and Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." The biggest thing that jumped into my face was "self-control" and I said, "God, I am lacking this so much! Holy Spirit, cultivate this in me..."]

That was quite a mental "getting up" for me :) Today's QT sharing only served to reinforce the lesson with:

Luke 10:27 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind"; and, "Love your neighbour as yourself." --> With all my heart! I'm sorry Lord, I have been a disobedient child lately :S And I note here that it does not say to love my neighbour as much as I love God. It says to love God wholly, and then as much love as I would spend on a mortal human like myself in comparison, I should spend on other mortal humans -- remembering always the huge difference in scale.

"For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever." Amen! :D

God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise
in this heart of mine

What a beautiful lesson on God's goodness even when walking through the valley of deep sadness (I dare not use the word depression; that generally means a much longer period), and how a change of attitude can change almost everything. :) Thank You God!

Last night (or more accurately, this morning) I dreamt again. I don't remember very much of my dreams, only that Sean and one or two other members from Ronin (as far as I can recall, I think it was Derryn and Bang, the only two people apart from Levan that I actually know as a result of Literature classes) were there in what seems to be a classroom, but they've just said something incomprehensible and I turned to Queenie (my niece) who is sitting beside me and remarked that what they said sounded like what her twin younger sisters are accustomed to saying (they tend to pronounce vowels but consonants aren't very clear). For some reason Sean seems to recognise me and even talk to me (I've barely even said "Hi" to him before) but I don't remember having anything to say to him (which happens in real life too -- in fact they hardly even recognise me when I bump into them in school -- not that it's surprising since I hardly knew them anyway). And then there's something about me having to take home a couple of trophies that are for some reason dismantled to save space (???) and a board game as well as a huge bag of other stuff and I'm digging around for plastic bags and then I don't remember what happens next. It was just the Sean thing that made an impression because I was quite surprised by it.

Well back to summarising. I am so darned late with my summary that I feel really quite guilty to my group mates, but am determined to finish it by the afternoon. I will postpone thinking of what I have to do until I reach the end of this task.

A final verse to remind me of how I should live (also from yesterday's sermon): 1 Peter 3:3-5
"Do not let your beauty be that outward adorning of arranging the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands"

So Complicated

*cries*

Father, hold me...

The Tempest

Heh. Blog or no blog, I STILL end up inundating my LJ friends with posts. :P

This morning, I tried to tell Mum some of what was in my heart... But she didn't seem to really get what I was saying and I got really upset. I know she cares for me, but somehow I was unable to communicate to her what I felt, and Mum being my closest confidante since young, I felt like there was nobody in the world I could cry out to. :S

Went to do QT and found this wonderful passage. (From the New Living Translation which is good for telling stories :)

Luke 8:22-25
One day Jesus said to His disciples, "Let's cross over to the other side of the lake." So they got into a boat and started out. On the way across, Jesus lay down for a nap, and while He was sleeping the wind began to rise. A fierce storm developed that threatened to swamp them, and they were in real danger.

The disciples woke Him up, shouting, "Master, Master, we're going to drown!"

So Jesus rebuked the wind and the raging waves. The storm stopped and all was calm! Then He asked them, "Where is your faith?"

And they were filled with awe and amazement. They said to one another, "Who is this Man, that even the winds and waves obey Him?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Indeed, if Jesus can calm the wind and waves, can He not calm this tempestuous heart of mine? Of course He can! :)

3 things caught me in the sharing:

"Life is fragile, and often we are like the disciples, frightened and with little faith. But we can also know that especially in those times Jesus Christ is present, closer than we imagine."

The author wrote about having his family being in difficulties and him undergoing immense stress and worry and emotional turmoil. One night as he was crying, his 3-year-old daughter woke up and said "Don't cry, Daddy. You know I am here!" He found that a message direct from God and a wonderful reminder that God is with Him all the time, and indeed many of us would draw that connection too. But at that point in time when I was reading the passage, what I felt was more like "Daddy-in-Heaven, cry for me... I need to know someone does." Just then, Mum walked by and came over and hugged me. Just hugged me and held me without saying anything. And I am reminded of Mother's Tears... and Mother's Love. :')

Matthew 28:20 Jesus said, "I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

in the Cross
in the Cross
be my glory ever
'til my restless soul shall find
rest beyond the river

Wishy-Washy Hint Hint Stuff :P

I broke my half my resolve again! :(

Oh well. Better this half than the other half.

Frankly... I don't know whether it's wise to post this. It could just be impulse again. It could serve basically no purpose at all, yet make things worse. But dear God, it hurts so bad...

How does it hurt? Let me count the ways.
1) I think I care deeply for him. (I think.)
2) It is just possible that he knows this. (I could be wrong.)
3) It is, perhaps, slightly possible that he might care for me too. (Again, I could be wrong; oh this constant paranoia of seeing things that aren't really there -- will I never forget that shadowy pain of the past?)
4) For reasons known only to God (well, okay, He's given me a couple of realistic ones too), I am convinced this is not part of God's plan for us, at least not now.
5) I am trying to behave in a way that will not draw us closer to each other without God's permission. It hurts. Badly.

Dear God, how could I possibly disobey You when Your guidance is so clear? Please help him see that I don't mean to hurt him -- that's if he is even hurt at all. He could merely know point 2 but be trying to hint that he's not interested -- God You know how easily miscommunication can occur, especially in these days of distant yet constant communications. Is it even wise for me to know how he feels? Probably not, else it'll hurt even more. But dear God, based on the assumption that the feeling is mutual, please put Your hands on his heart and take the pain away... And if the feeling is not, put Your hands on him anyway and bless him, God.

And most of all, God, please hold me...
Because Your strength is perfect when my strength is gone.
You'll carry me when I can't carry on...
And I praise You, for You are God.

Today, I found peace in QT again :) (read LJ for more)

Interestingly though, it's head-banging to frivolous tunes that is managing to cheer me up somewhat :) Like this one! (Disclaimer: I don't actually know the whole of this song, only the chorus -- I've only just discovered the context! :P But the chorus is oddly contagious.)

What's Love Got To Do With It -- Tina Turner (the Power Woman!)

You must understand
That the touch of your hand
Makes my pulse react
That it's only the thrill
Of boy meeting girl
Opposites attract
It's physical

Only logical
You must try to ignore
That it means more than that

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

It may seem to you
That I'm acting confused
When you're close to me
If I tend to look dazed
I've read it someplace
I've got cause to be
There's a name for it

There's a phrase that fits
But whatever the reason
You do it for me

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

I've been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I've been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel that way

Ohh, what's love got to do
Got to do with it
What's love but a second hand emotion
What's love got to do
Got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

What's love got to do
Got to do do with it
What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion
What's love got to do got to dooo
Got to do with it

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
you wander around
on your own little cloud
and you don't know the why
or the wherefore

Who's In Control?

I have only just realised my own controlling behaviour -- or at least, the desire to control things. I wonder if it stems from the frustration of being unable to control my own procrastinating behaviour and hence, I try to control other things in my environment? I do apologise if you're one of the people I have been taking it out on lately. Father, help me remember it is Your ministry and not my own...

Today's QT really spoke. Usually I try to discipline myself to read the suggested Bible passage before the "story/testimony" bit, but today the title just caught me and I went along with it, with the Bible passage later on giving me even more insights into the testimony bit instead of the other way around -- an interesting way of doing things. I guess it doesn't really matter to God what order I do it in :) I really must learn to be less meticulous in the way I do things.

Learning To Float:
First of all the highlighted verse caught my eye. Psalm 18:16 "[The Lord] reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters." This reminded me of MercyMe's Coming Up To Breathe... And I really do feel like I have been very overwhelmed with work and stuff lately, so this verse gave me a glimmer of hope :)

The author of the short sharing told of how she learned to float: "fighting the urge to struggle" and learning that as she lay back, "some water came over my face; but as I remained still [instead of panicking], the water also lifted my body up and I floated peacefully in the pool." And I thought that was so true: we always ask God to lift us high and dry out of our situations or like Peter desire to walk on water, but for many of us the way to trust in God (and His natural laws of physics :D) is to let some "water" wash over our faces while knowing that the rest of it will buoy our bodies such that we won't sink to the depths. For me, it's a reminder that although (school)work is tedious and tiring, it's necessary to have some of it, but also not to struggle and be anxious, and instead to trust in God and be buoyed up by the very thing we thought we would drown in. Very interesting thought!

What touched me even more was when the author shared: "Sometimes I struggle to control a situation until I feel overwhelmed." And I thought: Yeah, that's me! (This SO came at the right time.) Often I feel overwhelmed not because of the tasks themselves but my controlling tendency that makes me want to organise and standardise and confirm every little last detail... Like I said, too meticulous. (It takes me on average half an hour the night before to prepare everything I need for the next day, down to what I'm going to wear sometimes. And YET I still forget stuff and am often late!) So what should I do? The author suggests: "when I remember to be still and to trust, God holds me up so that I can float peacefully in God's care." Yes, I have to learn all over again what it means to Trust.

Then the suggested prayer said: "Remind us of Your presence, and help us to offer Your assurance to others." At this point I said "yes, Lord" but at the same time my heart was saying "Lord, how do I offer Your assurance without getting my heart into emotional problems? I'm afraid to show Your care sometimes!" and immediately after that I read the suggested prayer focus, which was "those who are afraid". And I was like whoa! Ok God You are really talking directly to my forehead tonight :)

Speaking of which I caught myself frowning in my brain again as I tried to pray and had to consciously relax my brow... I know I spoke about the heart-brain connection before but I find when I pray, I prefer to try and restrict the role of my brain and give more room for the heart and soul to cry out directly to the Lord. Because my brain rationalises things too often i.e. "I must pray for so-and-so because they asked me to" instead of letting a prayer arise out of sincerity e.g. "I feel so-and-so's need, and this is what I pray for them..." I feel it's an important difference. One of the reasons why I tend to prefer perfect silence when praying... :)

Ok going on to the Bible passage! Psalm 34:1-8. The moment I read the first few lines I got caught up in a song :D you'll see why:

At all times I will bless Him
His praise will be in my mouth
My soul makes its boast in the Lord
The humble men will hear Him
The afflicted will be glad
And join with me to magnify the Lord

Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
I sought the Lord, He heard me
And delivered me from my fears
Let us exalt His Name, together, forever
O sing His praises magnify the Lord

Another lovely old song :) We don't sing these often enough.

So the first thought was: Do I really bless the Lord at all times? And I was immediately led to try and bless and praise Him. The next verse goes: "my soul shall make its boast in the Lord", and I wonder what that means. The only thing I boast about is my Lord? Something to work towards, definitely. (Always a struggle for those involved in the arts, traditionally a bunch of activities more or less centred on the self as a creating being!) The next verse I see as a call: "Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name forever"! Very appropriate for communities of faith :)

This next part (v4-6) I see as very important -- one of the most important things in the Christian life. They are testimonies to God's wonderful salvation from fears and troubles! I used to wonder if testimonies and sharing really serve their purpose in our church service, but then I realised that these testimonies are also what gives people hope and encouragement to keep persevering, that the Lord will come and save you. Cerebrally, I've known this fact for quite awhile, but it took this set of verses to reach me personally :)

Another thing that particularly strikes me is "they looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed." This reminds me of what I've heard twice recently: "There is now no condemnation..." I don't remember the reference and all that, but it made a great impression on me somehow because lately I have become a bit bowed down with thoughts of guilt and inadequacy... But God just put a finger under my chin and whispered: "Look to Me and be radiant, child." To be radiant! To look up, and laugh, and love, and lift. And we are assured that God will save -- not just walk with you through your suffering as we keep being told He does, but also save us "out of all [your] troubles"! I think this aspect of God's salvation tends to be much less emphasised in church nowadays, perhaps because Christians are afraid that people seeking God will place all their hopes on miraculous salvations and then turn away from God in disappointment when it doesn't happen the way they want it to. But it's true! God's salvation can come both ways: alongside you in your trouble, but also save you out of your trouble! And why not, indeed? He is after all an Omnipotent and Almighty God, why should we restrict Him to only walking beside us in the valley of death and not consider the very real possibility that He could take us out of it altogether? :) It doesn't do to focus entirely on the miraculous happenings, of course, but neither should we neglect them entirely!

And finally. "Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!" (Exclamation mark not mine :D) What this really reminds me of is that Hokkien song (I think?) that so joyfully invites people to believe in Jesus because He is good...

jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)
[a line that I can't catch the pronunciation :P but basically says "every day of the week"]
jin jia ho, lai xin ya soh
jin jia ho (jin jia ho!)

Had a taste lately? ;)

To remind myself:

If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
If my life were like a car
I would give the key to Jesus
Lord, turn on the engine
I'll roar for You
Drive me where You will
I trust my life to You